Allie: 10 Weeks, D's 3rd Bday and Christmas

So in the last week we've had Dawson's 3rd Birthday and Christmas. We were very busy. Friday was D's 3rd Birthday and since we had already had his party a couple of weeks ago we just had a small family day and hung out. Then that night Santa Claus came (a day early) b/c Daniel was on shift Christmas Day and we wanted him to be home when the kids received their gifts. It was a great morning. Then we went to the grandparents house and received more gifts and then that evening we went to the great grands and received even more. Seriously my kids have more stuff than they could ever possibly play with. But it was a good Christmas. The family time and just being together is the best part of Christmas for me and it was a good time. Allie's first Christmas-well she slept through most of it. But I have pictures of it so she can enjoy it one day.

Allie turned 10 weeks old yesterday and she's definitely growing up already. She holds her head up so well when we do tummy time and she's always smiling and all of a sudden she's really into her toys. She just stares at them and I know it won't be long before she's grabbing for them. I noticed a flat spot on her head this past weekend so I took her to her pediatrician today just to make sure it was a positional issue and she agreed that it is. Since Allie's a good sleeper she pretty much lays in one position all night-hence the flat spot. We've got some exercises to do to make sure she doesn't always lay on that one spot and in 2 months we'll reevaluate. Her pediatrician thinks it should resolve, but if it doesn't we'll be looking at a helmet to correct it. It's not bad now, but if we don't do something now to work on it, it could get that way.

And that's pretty much all of the updates for now.

Allie: 8 and 9 weeks

Wow, it's been a busy couple of weeks. Not really in terms of having to do things but just with life in general. Allie is 9 weeks old today. She also had her 2 month well check today. My little girl is not very little!! She's already 23 3/4 inches long and wait for this...13.13 pounds. I have such a roly poly on my hands. Dawson is almost 3 (on Friday) and he only weighs 30 pounds. I have a string bean and a butterball.
Christmas is right around the corner and so is D's birthday.

Now something I could use some help with. When D was born I decided to do his vaccinations on a delayed schedule. This way he never received more than 2 shots at a time and sometimes only one if it was a combination shot. I've really been struggling with what to do for Allie. Today I allowed her to receive the rotavirus vaccination and the Hib vaccination. I absolutely do not want her to get the Dtap vacc until after she's 6 months old if at all. I didn't know this with D but apparently there are a lot of cases of SIDS occurring right after receiving this vaccine and that scares me beyond belief. She's not in daycare with no plans of daycare and neither is D. So what do you do for your child's vaccinations?

Always expect the unexpected.

Motherhood has a strange way of changing all of your plans. When you think you have it all figured it, BOOM it all changes. Friday night and Saturday morning it started. It crept back in. Postpartum something. Last time (with D) I thought it was postpartum depression...but actually I'm pretty sure it was postpartum anxiety. I had never heard of postpartum anxiety until a few weeks ago and when I read the symptoms they matched exactly what I experienced with D. An extreme fear that I would hurt him (unintentionally), mess him up in some way mentally, that I wasn't a good enough mother, etc. It took me a full year to admit that I had a problem and get help...around the time that my marriage was probably at it's darkest and I was definitely at my darkest. But, I picked up my boot straps made that ever needed doctors appointment and I was on the up swing from then on out. Then when I knew we would be trying for Allie I went off my medication and got pregnant very quickly. The first few months of my pregnancy with her were hard emotionally on me. I was very sick and tired and chasing after a 2 year old. I was drained. But it was completely situational and when I physically started to feel better I mentally did as well.

Well here we are now. The symptoms are back but different. I think this may be more of a depression less of a anxiety. I think a lot of it is related to the stress of having 2. I feel great physically so that's not it. It's definitely emotionally that I'm suffering. I called my doctor (the same one that held my hand through the rough time after D was born) and I'll go see him tomorrow. Probably back on medication, but I'm okay with that. Of course I have one question b/c it seems to correlate perfectly in timing....could birth control be causing depression? I've never correlated the two in the past...but literally a week and a half after starting back on yaz, I'm in a dark place emotionally. I'm a wreck...could that be it? I guess it could and I'll ask him tomorrow.

Allie: 7 weeks, What I've learned

With Dawson I had baby gear that I absolutely could not live without, a lot of that baby gear has carried over to Allie (b/c when pregnant with D we bought all gender neutral items so that we could reuse them) and now I've got a full fledged list of items that I could not have survived baby days without.

Source: target.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: aloadofcraft.blogspot.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: fisher-price.com via Mandie on Pinterest

so let's see that's the rainforest portable swing (Allie LOVES this, D not so much) Dove sensitive skin soap b/c both my babies have sensitive eczema prone skin, aveeno lotion for the same reason, soothie pacis for Allie (D didn't like pacis), the rainforest bouncy which both of my babies have seemed to absolutely LOVE and the moby wrap (even though I made mine myself)

Babies and Sleep

So if you've been around here a while then you know that D did not sleep for 2 years. I'm talking up every 45 mins at night for TWO years. It was pretty rough. We co slept (and continue to do so) just so it was sorta bearable. A saving grace in that was that he did nap during the day (of course I was working so I didn't get the benefits of this except on Saturdays and Sundays.)I could actually put him down in the bassinet and get things done or mostly nap. Now here comes Allie. She sleeps pretty good at night. Only up once around 2:30-3 and again around 6:30-7 (for the day then.) I can totally be okay with that. However she doesn't nap well unless you're holding her. At this point in her life I've only ever been able to put her down for about 20 mins during a nap and she stay asleep. If you hold her you can get a couple of hours. Until today. I laid her on her belly. I know I know...controversial...but I co sleep with both of my babies so I'm already a controversy. She's been asleep now for about an hour. Dawson was begging me for attention verbally and non verbally and I had to do something. And it's worked so far. I wonder if this is a fluke. Guess we'll see.

WARNING: Emotionally Heavy Post involving Child Abuse

I've titled this post the way that I have so you can choose whether or not you want to read. I didn't want to just put this in your face without a warning.

I stumbled across the most important thing I've ever read in my life yesterday. It was a blog written by a sexual abuse survivor. Her stories are hers so I won't link it here although I don't think she would mind. She suffered some absolutely unspeakable things as a child and she's made it to the other side with a lot of help and A LOT of time. She is an inspiration to me, as well as her readers and commenters. Most of them are survivors as well. Until yesterday I've been embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I too am a survivor. I was sexually abused as a child by my ex stepfather and thankfully when my mom discovered the abuse that was happening to me and my older sister she left him. She divorced him. She didn't prosecute him and I don't know how I feel about that. That doesn't matter right now. What matters is that I was embarrassed and ashamed of the abuse that happened TO ME. Not because of me. That is so hard to remember. I was a VICTIM. I was a small innocent child and I never was able to have a normal childhood because of this monster. I was never able to be exposed to sex in a loving caring manner and I didn't get to choose what I knew and didn't know and how I knew it. I was a victim and my innocence was stolen from me. I've been to therapy by my own choice, my mom never offered it to me. I sought it out as an adult after Dawson was born and I spiraled out of control with post partum anxiety and depression. I was so worried that I was going to screw my son up by not protecting him enough that I became super obsessive with making sure nothing ever happened to him. I still am VERY protective of him and now Allie too. I'm so worried that someone will harm them the way that I was harmed and their lives will be changed forever.

I don't know why I've been so ashamed of this. I don't know why. I now know that it's normal. I know that most survivors feel this way. I also know that I've used sex as a way to punish myself over the years. Punish myself for the abuse that I didn't cause. Punish myself because obviously I didn't deserve to be loved or cared about and that I was a lesser person because of my abuse. I couldn't have sex without being ashamed and this includes my husband. Sex was not intimate. Sex was something that just happened because it wasn't a loving act for me. My husband says I'm not affectionate. I don't know how to be affectionate towards men. My kids I can show affection for all day long, but a man is a different story. I don't know how he saw past all of this and married me anyway. I'm working on this. Sex has changed too. I no longer have to will myself through the act. I no longer feel ashamed and embarrassed. I can actually enjoy it. I don't feel dirty and like I want to hide in a corner afterwards. My husband loves me and I love him and sex isn't something that is meant to punish someone. Certainly not by my husband. Finally, I can show him some affection and enjoy something that is meant to be enjoyed. But it took A LOT A LOT of time for that to happen. I don't trust easy and I don't let people get close to me because I'm scared I'll get hurt. If someone who was supposed to love me and protect me could harm me to my core anyone can. I still have major issues with trust, but in order to heal I have to trust and I have to put this out there. I can't keep it a secret. No one and I do mean no one knows my story fully. I'm not ready to tell it. My best friend doesn't know anything about this. My husband and my mom know snip its and that's all. Why is it so taboo to talk about these types of things? It shouldn't be. Children that are abused deserve to be able to talk about it without being judged. Without feeling like they are being harmed all over again. They need someone to tell them it's not their fault, it's nothing shameful and that they can get past it and live a good life. A different life than non abused children, but a good life.

I wanted to put this in writing for many reasons. One so it's not a secret anymore. It doesn't have to be my secret and it's not going to be any longer. I need freedom from the restraints of keeping that secret. 2-because someone else putting it in writing may have saved my marriage and my sanity.

Allie: 6 weeks, what I've learned.

In 6 short weeks I've really learned a lot. But this week in particular I learned a very valuable lesson (Or I really realized it, I think I've known it since D was born) That lesson is:

The days are long, but the years are short.

See sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in house work, and I'll realize that it's only been oh 6 hours since I've been awake and yet I haven't had time to brush my teeth. Allie is not like Dawson in that I can put her down and she'll sleep for 2 hours. She barely will sleep for 20 minutes during the day unless you're holding her. It's actually pretty exhausting in that every few hours I'm rushing around like mad to get the laundry done or the dishes washed and put away. Nevermind getting showered, dressed and out the door. It IS a lot of work. And it IS at least 3 times harder than when I just had D. But I'm getting her first smiles and she's noticing things now and it's wonderful that I'm here to see it. I forget about most of this when she smiles at me. However, this is definitely a learning process. I know in a couple of years when she's chasing after her brother and he's chasing her back that I'll forget how hard these days are and just remember the good things about them...and now she's up again!

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What you don't know about being a Stay at Home Mom

When I really wanted to quit my full time job and stay at home with D I didn't realize how lonely this choice would be. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children. I love being with them and I'm so glad that I'm the one with them 99% of the time and making the decisions for them and raising them and feeding them and loving them. It's amazing to me that my husband works so hard for us. I'm so grateful to him for that. BUT it's a very lonely job. I'm with 2 small children all day EVERY day. I don't get weekends off, sick days, and at 5 my job is still going strong. When Daniel's on shift I really am all alone with 2 small children all day. I don't have a strong friend connection as often happens when you grow up. My friends have grown up and have lives of their own and while we talk we don't get together much. Plus as I've found it's WAY harder to get out of the house with 2 than with 1. I haven't had 10 minutes to myself since Allie was born. Sometimes we all need a break. I need a break. Dawson won't spend the night away from home, even though he used to love staying with his grandparents. He doesn't even like to go over there without me. It's killing me. He doesn't even want to go with his Dad unless I'm going to. I REALLY REALLY think he has a pretty moderate case of separation anxiety and I'm going to talk to his pediatrician about it to see what we need to do. Most likely he'll have to see a child psychologist and hopefully we can get this under control before kindergarten. He's constantly telling me he worries about me and is nervous when I'm not with him. He's 3! He has a GREAT life with no reason to feel this way. He's genuinely scared when I'm not with him. He didn't use to be like this. I think it's my fault since I quit work and am with him all the time. He was fine when he was in daycare full time but when he went part time it all changed. I don't know what to do to fix this for him.

Do my children look alike?

I think that they do. Mostly everyone thinks so. Let's examine this.

Allie at Birth

D at birth

D sometime around 7 weeks (I think)

Allie 5 weeks

Allie 5 weeks

What I've learned:

I am very blessed.

Really?

If you tell my husband about this post, I'll deny it til I die and delete it immediately, but it's definitely worth mentioning since I've really thought about it a lot.

I thought for sure after D was born that we'd have one more child. ONE more child. Just one. I thought for sure when I was pregnant with Allie that we would be done. I really thought we would be done when we found out Allie was a girl. I knew I'd never want another and that would be the end of my pregnancy days.

Parenting 2 children is at least twice as hard as one, so far. I was at a point with Dawson where I could literally do whatever I wanted. Go to the store? Throw him in the car and off we go. No diaper bag needed. No bottles, no physically feeding him. I mean he's almost 3. He can do a lot by himself now. Then Allie was born and I've had to slow down. She's only 5 weeks old (tomorrow) but she's definitely a handful.

BUT all of that said...I don't have that "we're done" feeling. I really don't. Everyone says that you'll just know when you're done. But I don't know that, not yet. Maybe it will hit me later. Maybe I'm different and don't "just know" and I'll just have to go with the flow, but it would not shock me if in a few years we decide to have just one more. It also wouldn't surprise me if we never ever go back to baby days and seriously enjoy raising our 2 babies.

Allie: 4 Weeks

So 2 days ago, Allie turned 4 weeks old. Where did the last month go? 2 weeks ago she was a full 9lbs, if I had to guess I'd say she's 10 today. She has her one month appointment tomorrow so we'll see. She's definitely a little roly poly and eats all the time! She sleeps pretty well, only really getting up once a night somewhere between 1:30-2:30 and then back up at 5:30-6:30 which is so much better than D ever did. I don't walk around tired all the time like I did with him which is nice.

So what have I learned?

1. Getting out of the house with 2 kids is WAY harder than one.
2. Getting my teeth brushed is also way harder with 2 kids.
3. Dawson has really warmed up to her and so now I can't leave the room with him and her both still in it. (Even though I always put her in the bassinet, he seems to think she wants to play with matchbox cars and I'm waiting on him to inevitably accidentally hurt her) Now she goes with me or he goes with me.
4. I'm pretty sure I'll never have time to actually have sex with my husband again so the 6 weeks rule isn't even a rule...it'll probably end up being more like 10 weeks.
5. My house actually stays cleaner with 2 than with 1 and I have no idea how.
6. Being home with my 2 babies is awesome and exhausting...and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Allie: 3 Weeks old, what I've learned...

When an almost 3 year old wakes up at midnight throwing up from an obvious stomach virus and a 3 week old are all combined... it makes for a restless night for mom and of course when things like this happen, firefighter Dad will always be on shift, guaranteed.

Source: shopquickquotes.com via Jessica on Pinterest

This is what I want for my children. I believe this will happen. I can't wait for these days!

Allie: 2 weeks old, what I've learned

Last night we had a blast trick or treating with D. He loved it and was the cutest Buzz Lightyear I've ever seen. It was so sweet that he actually picked the costume he wanted to wear this year. He loved it. Unfortunately I'm short on time so I haven't uploaded any pictures yet, but I did take some! Allie stayed with the grandparents since it was cold out and it was a nice break to only have one child to keep up with. Which brings me to what I've learned in the last 2 weeks.

1. I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to pee, eat, sleep, clean, or breathe without a child attached to me ever again.

2. Growth spurts mean a baby who's barely cat napping for 10 minutes and eating ALL DAY LONG.

3. I never thought I'd be so thankful to see my husband walk in the door.

4. I forgot how fast babies grow...she's already in 0-3 months clothes and out of newborns.

5. Whiney 3 year olds make me want cut my ears off. I also have learned to appreciate the time outs instead of feel bad about them. Having him kick, scream and cry in his room is so much better than having to deal with it in the living room.

6. The dog, whom I love very much, gets on my nerves just as much the 2nd time around with a newborn as he did the first.

7. I may never be able to keep up with blogs again.

8. Forget working to lose weight, it's happening on it's own b/c I never slow down and forget to eat often.

9. I kinda miss working full time b/c it provided a break!

10. I'm absolutey 10000000% in love with my children.

Allie: One week Old, what I've learned so far.

Allie is one week and a day old. I'm SHOCKED, AMAZED, BEWILDERED at how fast this last week has flown. I know time flies. Hello, I have an almost 3 year old that proves that, but goodness it's been a week already!!

Here's what I've learned:

1. Toddlers become a little manic when a new baby is introduced. They become even more of a handful, but just when you're frustration level has reached a new height, they do something incredibly sweet and you calm down.

2. Maybe your second baby will be a better sleeper than your first (She sleeps SO much better than D did.) I'm talking 2.5-3 hour stretches. It's awesome. For me anyway.

3. After being weepy and crying for like 3 days straight I'm over it and I might totally avoid PPD this time. I'm hoping so.

4. Patience really REALLY is a virtue.

5. Babies grow WAY too fast.

6. Baby yawns are the cutest thing ever.

7. I can appreciate the litte things more this time than last.

8. I really do have a big enough heart for both of my babies.

9. I have 2 arms and only 2 arms and I need at least 3 more.

10. My husband is a better father and husband than I could have ever hoped for.

5 Days In as a mother of 2: What I've learned.

So here I sit: 5 days into being a mother of 2, at 3:32 in the morning. I'm wide awake. Daniel and I have been taking shifts with Allie. At first I couldn't sleep through her grunts and groans and little movements. I can now, but I went to bed at 8:45 so I'm not tired now. It'll hit me at about 3 tomorrow but it'll be fine. I know I can survive sleep deprivation and she's a much better sleeper than Dawson was. We roughly get 2 hours of sleep, up to eat and a diaper change, up for about 20-30 minutes and sleep again...so far anyway. It took til day 3 for this to work itself out, but I'm not stressing it. If I know anything as an experienced mom, once you think you've got it down it changes. Go with the flow.

Emotions: As excited as I've been to meet this little girl I've experienced a WIDE range of emotions since her birth. Guilt for changing Dawson's life. Happiness-obviously. Overjoyed and overwhelmed. I find my patience thin with D and that, at first, affected the way I was looking at all of this. I'd get frustrated for D for not realizing that Allie needs me and at Allie for not realizing that D needs me. Obviously this is irrational as they are both too small to even sort of comprehend that but it's what I was feeling. The first 3 days were rough on me. I love my little boy so much and I've changed his life so much and he's acted out more because of it. He's still my loving little boy, but I can tell all of this has been hard on him. I think he's worried that I'm going to leave again (like I did to go to the hospital) and/or that Allie is getting more attention. It's working itself out, but it's definitely a work in progress. I broke down last night because D decided to stay away til 3AM and the middle of the night is my sanity right now. Handling one child is much easier than 2. I felt much better after getting all of that out. I've cried a lot. Happy tears, sad tears, overwhelmed tears, fearful tears. Just a lot of tears. I know a lot of it is hormones and a lot of it is changes.

Daniel: Daniel was TERRIFIED of D when he was a newborn. It was really intimidating to him. This time around he's WONDERFUL. He's jumped right in with all of the things that took him time to do with D. Part of me is really happy about that and having him home to help has been great, but part of me is kind of worried that he'll have a stronger bond with Allie than with D. I really really hope not. D stays really close to me but I want him to have that same bond with Daniel too. I want to bond with Allie like I have with D too.

Anyway, just some late night thoughts, but here's some pictures from the last couple of weeks. We were busy before Allie with playing outside, carving pumpkins, and loving the last few days of a one childhood household. Now we're busy playing outside and loving our 2 babies.

Allie: Birth Story

On 10/18/11 I checked into the hospital around 5am. I had my 39 week appointment on 10/17/11 and I was 3cm and 60-70% effaced. After that appointment I had contractions all day long and all night and lost the last bit of my mucus plug around 10pm that night. I don't know if that was all attributed to the cervical check or if it was just my body getting ready for labor. Upon check in to the hospital I was a 3-4cm and contracting. At 7:30 the doctor came in and broke my water. Contractions were completely manageable and my nurse kept telling me to ask for my epidural when I felt like I couldn't take much more. With Dawson I knew when that point was, without question. This time, contractions were so different. They hurt, I'm not going to lie, but they were manageable. I could breathe through them. I mean I was in labor and in pain, but I didn't feel like I was going to die like I did with D. It was totally different. I did ask for my epidural around 10 or 11 I think and it was amazing. It took away all the abdominal pain, but I could still completely feel and move my legs and I could feel the contractions in my perineum. They still really hurt, but because I had that feeling I knew exactly when it was time to push. My nurse checked me when I told her I felt a lot of pressure and I was completely ready to push. She said she'd be right back she was going to call the doctor. Except she didn't come right back. I called the nurse's station about 5 minutes later and told them I needed to push right NOW! They sent in a different nurse and she had me practice push through a contraction. I pushed twice and she said "Okay, we need to stop and I need to get your doctor." I was burning and I could feel her head and you can't tell a woman to stop pushing when she needs to. Her body does it for you. I NEEDED to push. It wasn't an option. I was going to whether I tried not to or not. She kept telling me to breathe through it, but like I said...when it's time to push, it's time, like it or not. My doctor barely walked in the door and gowned up and 2 pushes later Allie was out. It was awesome. I felt her little body slide out and I looked down and there was my daughter! It was honestly the most amazing feeling. I felt relief when Dawson was born after 2.5 hours of pushing, so this was a totally different feeling.

So a couple of stitches later and out goes the doctor and I send Daniel out to get Dawson from the waiting room. My beautiful first born walks in grinning from ear to ear to meet his baby sister and I'm so relieved to see him smiling and interested and happy in seeing her. I didn't know my heart could grow so much instantly but having my two babies together was amazing. Until Dawson had to leave with Grandma and Papa. He was sitting on my bed and I was trying to explain that Mommy had to stay with Allie and he looked at me with genuine fear in his eyes and almost crying and said " but I can't sleep...I can't sleep without you." and I lost it. It still makes me cry to think about it. He didn't want to leave me and I didn't want him to leave. It literally broke my heart I just wanted to go with him. I wanted to scoop Allie up take Dawson's hand and leave the hospital as fast as I could. It's not natural for a mom to have her babies away from her and this was no exception. It was awful. The next 24 hours were so hard for me. I wanted to go home so badly that I couldn't even enjoy the alone time with Allie. I felt guilty for making Dawson hurt and I was so hurt that he was hurting. I told Daniel after he left that I hoped that nothing ever happened to me because I know that Dawson would be genuinely heartbroken. My mother in law said that he stayed awake til 1am saying that he was just waiting on mommy and Allie to come home. She said he really forced himself to stay awake until he just fell over asleep sitting on the couch. He wouldn't even sleep in his bed. Which is why I begged and pleaded with the pediatrician to let us leave the next day even though they really wanted us to say 48 hours (since I'm GBS positive). I promised to bring Allie to the office the next day and watch her very closely for any signs of sepsis (even though the risk was SUPER low since I received antibiotics). She' fine. Dr appointment today was fine and since we left yesterday Dawson was much better. I have to say here that I finally understand why some women choose a home birth. After experiencing manageable contractions and the heartbreak of not being able to be with D I can say that I get it. I totally 100% get it.

I don't know if it's because I'm a 2nd time mom or the fact that my labor while a couple of hours longer was way easier but I feel almost totally normal and back to myself and haven't taken anything other than a motrin here or there to relieve any pain.

Anyway, so we left and we're home and we're adjusting. I want to write about all the emotions I've had since Allie's birth. I want to say that we're all adjusting great. I want to say that we're in a baby moon period. I have so much I want to say. But I have the world's cuddliest baby and she's super inpatient so it's already taken me 2 hours to write this. She doesn't sleep well...not surprising! But she's loveable and loves to be held and cuddled and I can't deny her that. We'll work on the sleeping thing and I'm sure in about 2 years she'll be sleeping through the night just like her big brother.

Allison Jewel "Allie" was born at 1:01 PM on 10/18 after 6 hours of labor and about 2 pushes. She's amazing. Pictures and birth story to come when I get home!

39 Week Cervical Check.

Had my appointment today. I'm 3cm, 70% effaced. 1 cm and 10% more effaced than last week. Doctor doesn't think it will be long before labor spontaneously happens. I kind of agree based on the contractions I've been having on and off all day. I'm also feeling very very weepy over the changes that Dawson is about to endure. His WHOLE LIFE is going to change. I know having a sibling will be wonderful because I have 2 of them myself, but I just worry so much about how all of this is going to affect him. I just feel so guilty and selfish for wanting another when Lord knows he was/is enough to be happy and content with. I know this is normal. I know it will pass, but this is what mom's do. We worry.

Allie 39 weeks (2 days)

So it's Sunday. My due date is Friday. I'm 39 weeks and 2 days. I really really hoped she'd be here by now and we'd already be home and adjusting to life with a newborn and a toddler. Not so much. I have an appointment tomorrow at 2:30. Last Monday I was 2cm and 60% effaced. I predict the same tomorrow. I have very little to say other than I'm very ready to meet her.

Decisions... Decisions...

I was induced at 40 weeks with Dawson. It was a great experience. Super fast birth, no pitocin needed because cervadil did the trick. Water broke about an hour after contractions started, went from literally 0 dilation to 10 in 3.5 hours. It was a really good experience.

I have that same option this time. Part of me doesn't want to do another induction because I want to know what it feels like to go into labor on my own (which my body is making some progress, better than last time) and the other part of me remembers how great things were with my induction with D that I'm kind of considering it again. I'm extremely nervous going past 40 weeks due to some really scary stories I've heard of meconium issues and aging placentas etc. I have some time to make my mind up but I just don't know what to do.

I plan on having another epidural so the contractions being worse with inductions doesn't bother me b/c as soon as I reach 4cms I'm asking for my epidural. I know that many people don't support inductions unless they are medically necessary. I also know that inductions can lead to c-sections etc. Natural birth can lead to c-sections. All births can lead to c-sections. I'm okay with that risk. I obviously much prefer a vaginal birth and I know that it's better for both of us if we have a vaginal birth, but if this induction were anything like my last one it would be amazing. I just can't guarantee that.

What to do, what to do....

38 week cervical check.

3 years ago at this same point in my pregnancy with Dawson I was not dilated AT ALL. Not Effaced AT ALL. and he was still sitting pretty high up.

At this point in my pregnancy with Allie I am 2cm dilated, 60% effaced, and -1 to -2 station. I think that means I'm like -1.5 station :) Which means progress. I've had several days and hours of sorta uncomfortable contractions but nothing that would signal labor or make me catch my breath. I guess my body is doing....something. All I can do at this point is wait it out and know that I won't be pregnant forever and I'm at the end of this.

Allie: 38 weeks.

So here I am: 36 weeks in the gray, 37 weeks in the blue, and 38 weeks in the black. Last week I thought dropped. This week it looks like she may have moved back up some, but I still say she's dropped mostly. I'm supposed to be checked for dilation on Monday, but I'm still unsure if I'll let that happen. I may still wait til 40 weeks since it really doesn't mean much. I've had several episodes of sorta painful contractions that were in my back and abdomen and probably real contractions just nothing to cause full blown labor by any means. I know my body is just prepping for what's to come. I'm sorta at peace right now with waiting on her. Obviously she'll come when she's ready and if needed there are medical ways to get her here safely. I feel pretty good right now actually. Sleeping better-only getting up 3-4 times to pee instead of every hour and the cramping and hip pain seem to have slowed down. It's been nice. I'm still really looking forward to meeting her, but I'm really enjoying this time with D too. Afterall his whole life is about to change as well.

An interview with an almost 3 year old.

A fellow blogger posted a couple of days ago an interview she did with her 2.5 year old son. It was really cute so I decided to do a variation of this with Dawson. Of course I decided to do it as he was throwing legos across the room insisting he was vacumming. So it was interrupted a few times with a "don't throw your toys!"

I wrote exactly what Dawson said, I wish I had recorded it because it was so much cuter in person.

What is your name?- Franklin and immediately follows that with my name is Bear. He was watching Franklin before I did this interview....
How old are you? Tee-translated to 3, except he's not yet ;)
Favorite Color? Lellow (yellow)
Favorite Animal? Simie Dog (our dog Simon)
Favorite cartoon? Handy Manny!
Favorite Book? Monkey ( I think he's talking about Curious George and the Firefighters...)
Favorite Food? "Pile of Dirt" ( I don't let him eat dirt, but whatever he says)
Favorite Song? Handy Manny Song
Favorite Toy? Handy Manny race car!!

Do you think this child loves Handy Manny, or what? We do have 92 episodes DVR'ed b/c it is something I will allow him to watch when he watches cartoons. We also have Franklin DVR'ed b/c I let him watch that when I'm over Handy Manny. Mostly though we play with toys and don't really watch much because nothing I watch is appropriate for him. Which I've learned the hard way (the hard way being my son walking around going "damnit damnit damnit")

I've decided.

Since there's nothing I can do about the timeline of when this little girl will make her appearance...I've decided to enjoy the last few days (weeks) of being a mom to one amazing son. I'm not going to stress about it. I'm just going to love on my little guy and soak it up. He's not going to be my only child for much longer. Also, I'm probably not ever going to be pregnant again...I should probably enjoy these last few days (weeks) of kicks, rolls, and having her all to myself.

It's still hard to believe that God is trusting me with TWO children to raise and love. I don't know how I deserve this, but I'm going to treasure it and appreciate it and do my best.

Fear.

Let's talk about fears. Rational, irrational, fears over the unknown.

When I was pregnant with Dawson I never contemplated the thought that at the end of 40 weeks he wouldn't come home with me. Since then I've read stories and actually know a person who experienced a still birth and I'm terrified. What if at the end of this I don't bring a baby home? How would that affect me, my husband, my son? Would I even want to try again? God willing that's not something I have to face. But it is a huge weight on my shoulders these days.

What happens if I don't love her like I do Dawson? What if he hates me for changing his life so much without even asking him? What if they never bond and get along and are never close?

Labor. Oh dreaded labor. I had a short VERY painful labor with Dawson. OMG it hurt. It really did. I haven't forgotten telling Daniel that I didn't think I could do this and felt like I was going to die. Literally. I know I felt that way. Obviously I made it through and it couldn't have been so bad because I knew when I got pregnant again that it would end with labor and delivery. I don't know if I've spoken about this but D decided about a year ago that spending the night away from me isn't so much fun. So he hasn't. He's spent a lot of evenings at my in laws but when it comes time for bed he wants to be at home in his bed. I understand it's part of his age. So how in the world am I going to work that out if I'm in the hospital? Hopefully it's only one night and they'll let me leave a day early with Allie like I did with Dawson. One night in the hospital is plenty for me, thanks. It'd be awesome if she was born early in the morning and I didn't even have to spend one night. I don't think my husband would let me leave that early though.

Since I'm a mostly stay at home mom now-what if I can't handle the stress of a newborn and a toddler and my husband won't understand and won't be a big help? I don't know how rational this is, but I can't very well ask him to help like he did with D. I was working full time then and taking care of a child wasn't my main job.

Finally, I don't know if I can handle being pregant for 3 more weeks. Mentally I'm broken. I'm so exhausted and my body hurts and sleep never happens and I'm a mess. How can I do this for 3 (or more, gulp) weeks....

Allie: 37 weeks

Well we made it: full term. 37 weeks. And I'd say from looking at this picture that I've definitely dropped some from last week.

(36 weeks)

I've been having braxton hicks contractions for 3 straight days now pretty regular, but I know that means nothing. I hope she makes her appearance soon b/c even when Dawson was sleeping at his worst I got more than 45 minutes most nights. Not now. I'm up peeing, literally every hour. My hips hurt and my legs cramp so bad that I'd rather stay up than try to sleep. It's awful. My body is not liking pregnancy as much this time as it did with Dawson. My hemoglobin is low again so I'm on iron supplements along with my prenatal vitamin and they make me kinda nauseaus, but I do have more energy during the day so that's good. I'm definitely ready to meet this little girl and I'm ready to not be pregnant anymore. Let's hope she comes soon!

Contractions.

I was up the better part of the night last night. Not like that's any different than the last two weeks. It was just for a different reason. Normally I'm up to pee every hour and then the leg cramps and hip pain keep me up. I had all of that too, but the night started with contractions. Just braxton hicks ones, but painful enough to keep me awake. I did this with Dawson too and it's not that fun. BH are NOTHING compared to the real deal, but they are still uncomfortable. My ob won't do cervical checks til 38 weeks and honestly I'm not all that interested in them anyway. They can be very disappointing. Examples? My cousin walked around at a 4 for 2 weeks before labor started. I walked around at a whopping "maybe a .5 cm" for 3 weeks before labor with Dawson and my labor was only 3.5 hours. So I know for a fact that dialating means NOTHING when it comes down to it. I may not even have them check until and unless I hit 40 weeks.

In my heart I really feel like this little girl is going to come early. I don't know how early, but I do feel that way. I guess we'll see. Daniel says October 5th b/c that's a big day for him in the working world. Only the only day in October that would kind of be a bad day for her to come. He's probably right.

I finally did it.

I've been lusting after a DSLR camera since Dawson was just a few weeks old. I never could justify the cost and kept putting it off. Well I finally (with the input of my husband of course) bit the bullet and bought one. It's nothing too fancy since I have no idea how to really use it, but it's a Canon eos Rebel t3. All the reviews says it's great for a beginner and I'm so excited to learn about how to use it properly. I can't wait to actually use it and learn a thing or 2 about it. Now to figure that part out...

Why I never open the door for strangers.

So my mother-in-law works for the judicial system in our local area. She texted me earlier and said that a man and a woman in a van are posing as "door to door" sales people and when people come to the door they are robbing them. 1. I NEVER open the door for strangers. EVER. I'll hide in one of the bedrooms looking out the window and wait for them to leave. But this makes me mad for various reasons.

Obviously I take issue with people robbing others, but what really makes me mad is that I can't feel safe taking D outside to play. I can't feel safe opening my front door and just having the screen door locked. I can't feel safe walking to check the mail. Now I live in a safe area. We don't have much crime and that's probably the problem. Everyone here is trusting so this couple can get people to come to the door. My plan? If these people show up in my driveway I'm hittng the police button on the alarm it's both audible and silent and the police will be called. I'll also call 911 myself and if someone does manage to get in my house I have a gun and am not afraid to use it if my family is threatened. I know a lot of people disagree with gun ownership, but if you walk into my house uninvited and are here to hurt me or my family I swear you're not leaving without a new hole in your body.

Allie: 36 weeks

First, my mirror is filthy!! I swear men can't brush their teeth without making a mess...yes this is all Daniel's fault. I'm going to clean it as soon as I finish this post b/c that's disgusting...

Now, WOW 36 weeks!! That means Allie really will be here very soon. She's dropped for sure and out of my rib cage which means I can sit comfortably (sometimes) now. Other times my back hurts so bad that I'm only comfortable standing. She moves all the time and is head down. WAY head down and when she gets hiccups it's really weird feeling b/c I feel them like basically on top of my cervix. Her kicks and rolls kinda hurt now b/c she's getting big and they are more defined. I'm tired b/c I don't sleep so well at night due to pain in my hips and leg cramps, but other than that I'm excited to meet her. Her crib is put together, clothes washed and put away, hospital bag packed. We're getting close!!

Allie, 35 Weeks: Good news!!

I was so nervous yesterday getting ready for my appointment. I had actually packed a little hospital bag just in case they told me I had to deliver her today. Which would have been a very real possibility if my fluid levels had gone down. The good news is they didn't!! They were at a low 9 last week and yesterday were at a 12. Doctor was pleased, I was pleased and the US tech said the baby looked great. She was moving all over, practicing breathing, and still hanging out in the head down position she should be in. I had actually lost 3 pounds from a week ago but weight loss is normal in late pregnancy. My blood pressure was great and my fundal height measured exactly 35 weeks up 3cm from the week before. All in all-Allie looks exactly like a 35 weeker should. I was so happy that all was well and I could breathe a little easier. Low fluid would have meant a probable c-section at 35 weeks. I know she'd probably be fine, but I'm not quite ready to meet her just yet. I want her lungs to be exactly where they should be so that she comes home when I do. I want her to be of optimal health-even if that means I stay pregnant for 5 more long weeks.

I know once she's here I won't be able to imagine life without her...but right now, I'm nervous as hell.

Allie: 34 week appointment, not so text book.

Yesterday morning for the first time ever I took D with me to an OB appointment. You know these appointments are 2 mins-in and out-check weight check BP, see you in two weeks. Well, yesterday not so much. My BP was fine, I haven't gained any weight since 2 weeks ago, but when the Dr. checked my fundal height I was measuring 31 weeks. She wasn't too concerned, but she was concerned enough to order an US. So we waited for the US and the baby is measuring great, my amniotic fluid-not so much. It's measuring at a 9. Which is normal, but on the low end of normal. (Should be between 7-23)So I have strict orders to rest, drink tons of water and come back next week for another US and to check growth again. My dr. said she wasn't too concerned yet, but she would need to see improvement next week to not be worried.

However, there was a highlight to all of this-well 2 really. First Dawson did wonderful!! I mean he was a total dream for the 1.5 we were there. All the nurses loved him and he sat in the chair and just watched everything intently. Secondly-Allie has hair!! Which is amazing b/c D was very bald. This explains the heartburn.

Lastly-for the first time EVER D told me he needed to pee!! Potty training is definitely working very well!

Dreams.

I dream every night. Most of them are very vivid and I often wake up remembering every detail of them. Actually when I dream, I often have full control of my actions and emotions in my dreams. I can wake up in the middle of a dream and go back to sleep and finish the dream. I can make myself wake up during a dream to avoid finishing it.I think this is called lucid dreaming. I'm pretty sure that not everyone has the capability, but I do and have for as long as I can remember. Last night...I had the worst dream of my life. It started out fine.

I was somewhere beautiful with an ocean and the house we (my husband, Dawson and in laws) were staying in was gorgeous. Huge. Surronded by water. A long dock went into the ocean. Apparently the ocean was very deep and you could jump off the dock and swim. There was no beach. Just rocks that seemed to create a hill that would have been impossible to climb because it was that high. The dock sat very high too, it was almost like a pier and not a dock. Anyway, at night time all these sea creatures would come to the dock and swim and jump and practically dance. Dolphins and whales and it was just beautiful. We watched the first night cautiously and then the second night we noticed people in the water playing with these creatures and having so much fun. Well Dawson and I sat on the dock watching everyone else in the water. Then at some point Dawson was in the water with a family member and wanted to get out. So I got him out and he ran from me and jumped in the water by himself. I jumped in right after him and grabbed him. I felt him slipping through the water and grabbed him up just in time. We swam to the edge of the dock to get up and then something happened. He slipped or I slipped and we couldn't both get on the dock and I lost my grip on him. I felt him sliding by me in the water. I had my hands on him and he kept going like I was made of water too. He slipped past my legs and I tried so hard to get him. I just couldn't grab him and he was gone. I forced myself to wake up at this point. I just couldn't. I wanted to finish it because I wanted to find him, but I knew at this point all hope was lost and he was gone. If I finished this dream I knew that I was going to be miserable all day long.

I got out of bed this morning and looked at my little fellow. I can't imagine losing him. He's so important to me and such a big part of my life. He seems to be the force behind every decision I make and the thought of him being here one minute and gone the next makes my stomach hurt and tears come to my eyes. I hope I never know what it's like to lose him.

I am the wife of a firefighter and I will remember 9/11/01.

9/11/01 I was sophomore in highschool. I was in the office meeting with my academic advisor for the school year and the secretary said " a plane hit the World Trade Center" well I'll be honest....I didn't even know what the World Trade Center was. I had no reason to know this and it didn't really affect me. Later in my Chemistry class I was watching the news when the second plane hit. I don't know that it really registered with me what was happening until later on. Now 10 years later I am a married mother and my husband is a firefigther. He's a first responder. He is a man that will run into a building when it's not safe and he will stay with his crew until the end. Just like the 343 of 9/11 did. I hope to God that he never has to experience a tragedy like that. I hope to God that I don't lose him in the line of duty. I hope he's an old old man who's live a very long life before he dies. But that's neither here nor there. What's important is that I live a life knowing how passionate he is about his calling. I know that I could very well be a widow of a disaster like 9/11. And I'm okay with that-it stays in the back of my mind.

But there are countless people and families that lost their spouses, friends, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. 10 years later the pain has probably eased some, but it's never forgotten. And we can't forget what happened that day to this country too. Many of us experienced War first hand. The United States was, for a short few hours, the frontline of War. Thousands of our military have now experienced 10 years worth of war. I feel for their families. To live through deployment to not know if your family member is coming home. To experience the loss of a family member at war. Unimaginable.

I hope I never experience anything like 9/11-ever again. I hope that we never forget how the nation felt that day. How United we became as a nation-and I hope that we can find that unity again...without the tragedy.

In a funk.

I'm in a funk. Down, blue, a little sad. I'm not sure if it's all the 9/11 footage and documentaries that are being shown right now due to the 10th anniversary ( I suspect this is the culprit) or a case of pregnancy hormones mixed with a lack of sleep but whatever it is I'm ready to move past it. We went to the fair this weekend and enjoyed a delicious funnel cake, caramel apple, and all the farm animal feeding we could. Dawson isn't into rides yet and I'm not into the rides for him. I don't like that in SC the LLR doesn't really regulate carnival rides and mix that with the fact that they are put up in like one day...it makes me uncomfortable. So we walked around, looked at all the rides lit up like a Christmas tree and ate good food. We also played some carnival games and D won all the cheap prizes a 2 year old could enjoy. He also FREAKED when we left because he didn't want to leave and has been asking to go back to the fair since. He did excellent with his potty training while we were there and that was the longest we've been out of the house since we started, which was comforting. He still doesn't tell me when he needs to go so any advice on that would be really appreciated! Right now I just take him every 1.5 - 2 hours and that seems to work....but not always. So any ideas on that?

Allie: 33 weeks

So, 33 weeks. I feel huge!! I know I'm only going to get bigger, but goodness it's hard to walk. I'm having a really hard time getting on the floor to play with Dawson due to a really uncomfortable feeling under my ribs when I sit too long, and I definitely waddle, but other than that I feel great. She moves all the time and according to my weekly email is about 17 inches and 4 pounds. I believe it! I'm having a small family shower on 9/18/11 and I'm pretty excited about it. I really felt strange having another shower when I have a 2.5 year old but my in laws feel like every baby deserves something so I agreed. We really don't need anything at all since everything we bought with Dawson was gender neutral (as far as big items go) and we've picked up tons of clothes from consignment. I think all I need are diapers and new bottles. Time is really winding down and we're getting very excited to meet this little girl!!

Potty Training-2 full weeks in

Monday was the 2 week mark of potty training and let me tell you the 2nd week was WAY better than the first. When we started potty training, I made up my mind. No more diapers, except during sleep. Period. He's been in underwear (super cute, IMO) since day one. I was doing like 2 loads of laundry of a day for the first week to make sure I washed them ASAP when he had an accident. But the 2nd week-we had maybe 6 accidents total in 7 days. He still doesn't tell me when he needs to go, but he does tell me when he doesn't need to go. He can hold his urine for a little over 2 hours most of the time and as long as I remind him to go we are accident free. I haven't bought any diapers since the 70-count pack I bought on 8/15 and that's awesome!! (Of course I'll be buying diapers again, very soon, but a few weeks without them has been nice). So my advice on potty training-It's a grueling-hard process...but that's what it is-a process and to stick with it!

Allie: 32 Weeks

32 Weeks. At this point, I'm having a hard time remembering how many weeks I am. My weekly email reminder and now every 2 week appointments are the only thing keeping me on track. What's going on at 32 weeks? She moves ALL THE TIME and now her movements hurt a little. Heartburn that even 2 (sometimes 3) Zantac 150 have a hard time slowing down. My hips hurt really bad when I wake up so does my back. It's getting really hard to bend over now and getting up is getting harder too. Carrying D has become challenging, but he doesn't understand so I do it anyway.

I know how bad all of that sounds. It's not bad. It's just a sign of a growing baby, even though I did not have a single one of those problems when I was pregnant with Dawson. I didn't hurt and I never reached the point where being pregnant was just down right uncomfortable, but I'm at that point with her. I'm pretty certain that it's all in the way she's laying and since D was laying diagonal(ish) I think that's why I didn't feel this way.

Mentally: I'm WAY better than I was in the beginning of this. I'm getting really excited to meet her and bring her home and I'm really really excited to see my two babies together. In 8 short weeks (56 days!!!) I should have another newborn in my arms to love and cuddle and raise. It's going to be great!

My husband.

My friend Amy wrote a post about her husband today. It was very humbling. After 5 years of marriage and working on year 9 of our relationship I sometimes forget how important my husband is to me. He's not only the person who funds our family and lives he's the love of my life and the father of my children. We don't always agree. We don't always get along. We fight. But we always come back together to make it right. He's an amazing man with the most wonderful attributes and I only wish that I could be as good of a person as he is. I am very proud of him. He works his tail off for us. He loves us. He rarely complains. He's a good man who comes from a good family and he loves me despite my many flaws. Thanks, Amy for reminding me of the important stuff!

Think about it.

Source: healthyhazards.tumblr.com via Laurie on Pinterest

The Hot Sauce Mom

Disclaimer: if you watch the video you may find it disturbing. I certainly do.

Are you famaliar with the hot sauce mom? You know, the mom who used hot sauce and ice cold showers to punish her small (I think 6 or 7 year old son). Oh, your not. Here I'll enlighten you. When her small son got in trouble the mom would pour hot sauce in his mouth, make him hold it in his mouth without spitting it out and then when she deemed it necessary she'd put him in a freezing cold shower. All the while screaming at him. Belittling him. If you watch the video you can hear the sheer fear in this small child. Honestly it makes me sick to watch. It hurts my heart. It makes me really angry. Not only did this mom do this countless times, she went on the D.r. P.H.I.L. show to "get help" and someone made a recording of her doing this. I believe if I had been the one recording I would have slapped the mom across her face and call CPS myself. Anyway, today she was found guilty of child abuse for doing this to her child. Do you agree with the verdict?

Motherhood

Source: ohmyhandmade.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Potty Training Update

First, I wanted to tell you how I feel about my last post (the one with kids playing with toy guns.) I knew when having a boy and living in the South and being part of a family that has no opposition to real guns that toy guns would probably be introduced to my child some day. I, like others, have real guns in my home (that D has NEVER even seen) and take issue with children playing with something that so closely mimics something that can be so dangerous so I did not want D to have toy guns. He did/does have a squirt gun that looked nothing like a real gun and I cringed when I first saw it but Dad gave it to him before we ever had the discussion and I couldn't take it back at that point. But guns that look like real guns have no place for play in my home. That's just how I feel about it. I've made it clear to extended family that I don't like them and don't want them given to D to play with. If he receives any they'll be thrown out. I just don't want him to ever associate guns with toys because they certainly are not. When he's old enough D will be taught proper gun handling and safety just like I was and just like his Dad was. I don't want him to fear them because then curiousity can get the best of him and I don't want him to think they are this "fun" "neat" thing because he has no business handling one as a child or adolescent. He needs to know how they work and he needs to know how dangerous they can be.

Now moving on. Yesterday was one week of potty training and I must say that they first 5 days were horrific. Stressful. HARD. Then on Sunday, something just clicked. While D won't tell me he has to go he can tell me immediately after an accident and knows to go to the potty and try to finish. He also can hold it much longer than the 20 minutes we started with. I think we're at about an hour and a half or so. So we're improving. It's been a process but I'm not stressed anymore at all. We get up, go potty and continue to go as needed. I've been able to leave the house for short trips and I'm just not worried about it so much now. So if you're starting soon or trying to potty train now, just know that eventually the stress leaves and it's just another part of parenthood.

I have a very distinct opinion on this but im curious what others think... should toddlers and small children be allowed to play with toy guns?

Fyi: operation potty training started on Monday (D wasnt ready when we tried months ago) and it's been more frustrating than newborn days. I want to cry.

This is bull

http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/08/16/new.york.911.memorial/index.html?hpt=hp_t2

I'll summarize this article for you. 1st responders are not invited to the memorial on the 10th anniversary of 9/11. It doesn't matter that all of these people lost their friends, brothers, sisters, etc that day. It doesn't matter that those towers coming down killed 343 firefighters and countless others. It doesn't matter that these people risked their lives to save others. It doesn't matter that MANY of them are now living with terrible diseases caused by their heroism. It doesn't matter that many have died from the after affects of saving those lives. Nope, doesn't matter. They can't come to the memorial. Sorry guys. Sorry girls. The most defining moment of your life, you can't remember with the others. This is bullshit.

Back from vacation.

I don't like to announce when we'll be out of town because you never know who might be waiting on that type of info so I waited until we got back. We came back Sunday afternoon from a week at the beach. It was a really good time and D LOVED it. Of course I thought he would but seeing him really enjoy the beach was awesome. I wish we lived closer, but of course we do live only 4-5 hours away so it's not too bad. We stayed in a beautiful house and did literally next to nothing the whole time we were there. It was so refreshing to take a real break from home. Now we're home and the countdown is on. I'll be 31 weeks on Friday, so we're getting there. We're getting anxious now for a few reasons but mainly because we've had two babies born in the last 2.5 weeks and my little sister is due in 3 weeks. Then me. So the countdown really is on.

Pregnancy and sex...

When I was pregnant with Dawson, once I got over the morning sickness at 14 weeks I felt great up until the day I delivered him. I slept pretty good, I didn't hurt and ache and in general I felt the best I had ever felt in my life. I sort of expected this pregnancy to be the same. And for the most part I feel okay, but some obvious differences are that I was sicker and for longer, once that ended I can't sleep-waking up every 2-3 hours and sometimes staying awake for longer than an hour afterwards. And the biggest complaint is the sciatica. I have never had any kind of back pain or anything like that but if I sit too long or lay down or stand too long or walk too much the back pain that radiates down my left leg kills me. It's hard to walk sometimes and I probably look like an 85 year old woman trying to move.

That brings me to the sex during pregnancy. Up until this point I've made it a point to make sure that Daniel was-um, satisfied- in that area. Even when I didn't feel up to it because that is my responsibility as a wife. But honestly I'm at the point where I'm uncomfortable enough and big enough that I'm just not that into it. I feel bad for him, but not really at the same time. It just hurts to move and combine that with the positions that do work, well it's not the most pleasurable experience for me. Anyone else have this issue in later pregnancy?

11 weeks and 1 day to go.

I had my 28 week appointment today. I'm 28 weeks and 6 days so we squeezed that in just in time. I had my glucose test and I go back in 3 weeks. I just thought I should update how things have been with this pregnancy. Just like with Dawson, things are going textbook perfect. My bp today was 120/76, I've gained 23 pounds so far, and I have no complaints. Things went this smoothly with D so I don't expect any problems to pop up. I felt fine after drinking my sugary drink and anticipate those results to be normal as well. With D I was induced with cervadil only (b/c pitocin wasn't needed after the cervadil) and from the start of contractions to 10cm was 3.5 hours ( I wasn't dilated at all when labor started) and I pushed for 2 hours. The only hiccup was that D was in a diagonal lie with his head basically in my right hip. My wonderful doctor was able to move him enough to be born vaginally but he was posterior as well so 2 hours of pushing was necessary. I can only hope that this labor goes this smoothly. I'm not scared of labor or the pain because I know that it will pass and that epidurals (for me) are WONDERFUL things and an option that I have. I also know at the end of the entire process I'll have a little baby in my arms. Tomorrow I'm 29 weeks. I delivered D at 40 weeks and 1 day, so I could have about 11 weeks to go til we meet this little one. How exciting!

I am super jealous...

If you all remember correctly, Dawson didn't sleep through the night for 2, yes TWO years. I'm not exagerating or lying or anything like that. We were up multiple times a night for years. Well we have a newborn baby in our family, born 7/29/11 and that baby has slept 7 and 8 hour stretches at a time...and I'm jealous. I think every new mom prepares to be up multiple times a night and I think every new mom should have to experience that because it DOES make you appreciate your sleep a little more...but how do new moms get to be so lucky that their child sleeps and mine didn't?? I can about guarantee that this new baby will not sleep well either. I just don't get so lucky...but I sure am I jealous of those babies that do.

Speaking of jealous-I am super jealous of the moms that don't have a toddler with severe and I mean severe seperation anxiety. It's time for me to come clean. Dawson won't let me leave him with anyone (which would only be grandparents) to go out to dinner with my husband or on a date without a serious meltdown. I can't get him to spend the night away from home and he follows me all over the house most of the time. I love him, Lord do I love this child, but I RARELY get a break. He doesn't even like to be left with his dad. I mean he cries, BIG tears, has really bad meltdowns, and gets terrified when I leave him. Shockingly he will let me leave him with his aunt to go to work for a few hours a week, but that's about it. Most of the time I fall asleep in his bed with him at night because he won't go to sleep unless I'm there with him. I can get up after he's asleep, but falling asleep on his own has never happened. I'm at the end of my rope. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make him more comfortable with my leaving. I always come back and I'm terrified that if something were to happen to me that he would have a nervous break down. Seriously. I don't know what were going to do when I have to go to the hospital to have Allie. This is exactly why I took him out of daycare (b/c he was miserable, every single day) and one of the biggest reasons I quit my full time job. I can't stand the thought of him being scared and miserable and sad and anxious but I can't ever get a break. A weekend trip with just my husband, never happening. A girl's night....not in this lifetime. I don't know what to do.

3rd Trimester!

I am 28 weeks pregnant today! Which means I've entered the third trimester and In 12 weeks or hopefully a couple less we'll be meeting this baby girl.

I try not to think about it.

Being married to a firefighter is just a way of life for me now. The shifts, the sudden "gotta go babe, overtime" the interesting stories, the sad stories, etc are all just a common part of our lives here in this household. It's nothing new to me and I don't really ever think much about it until something like this happens. In a department, maybe 60 miles from my house, a 37 year old father of 3 was killed trying to fight a fire. I know what my husband does for a living is dangerous. I also know that driving down the road to go to the grocery store is dangerous, but it really hits home when someone just doing his job loses his life. It makes you stop and think about how important your family really is. Please pray for the fellow firefighters, the family, and the friends of this department. They have suffered a tremendous loss and will need support and prayers to get through it.

What to do?

What do you do when someone you love and care about hurts you to your core? Do you write them out of you life forever, do you take some time to forgive them? What if this person has the potential to hurt your child too. I mean if they said what they said to you, they would probably say it to your child if provoked too.

My sister and I had a small argument that escalated this weekend. It turned ugly fast and she said something about my child that hurt me so much that I could barely breathe. I'm infuriated. I'm devastated. I'm not speaking to her because I can't control my emotions enough to do so. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. I mean, this is my child we're talking about. The one person on the earth that I care about the most. This is my sister. A person who I share all of my childhood memories with. A person who've I've gone above and beyond to help when needed and someone whom I confide in. Someone who I trusted immensely.

I'm just so hurt. So angry. So many emotions at once.