The weekend.

Thursday night we tried CIO. I was super serious about it, and didn’t even have much stress going into it b/c I knew it needed to be done. Well, 15 minutes into it I’m sitting in the living room with ear plugs in, TV on and video monitor set up…I look at the video monitor screen and I see D’s leg go over the side of the crib…I rush in. Lesson learned: Dawson can climb out of his crib if he really wants to, oh, and he threw up. Great. Abandon CIO for the night, try again Friday night when Daniel is home.

Friday night, okay, we’ll try it one more time. Again, D can climb out of the crib if he wants to. So I sit with him, in the rocking chair. I don’t talk to him and I don’t take him out of the crib. When he stands up, I lay him back down. Within 30 minutes he was asleep, slept for 3 hours, woke up. I go and do the same thing from 1:30AM-6AM, Dawson screamed. I had to get ready at 6 for the March of Dimes walk, so I get him out of the crib.

Abandon all hopes of CIO working for our child. It’s not going to work with me in the room and I can’t leave him alone in the crib due to his being able to climb out. So Saturday we turn the crib into the toddler bed and Saturday night I lay down with him til he falls asleep. He does. This is a plus b/c normally I have to rock him. He wakes up at 1:30 and I go lay down with him again. Again he falls asleep, about an hour later. Up at 8:20 for the day. I feel well rested!

Sunday, the in laws offered to keep D for the day and normally I wouldn’t leave him all day, but I knew that Daniel and I desperately needed some time away. So we took off to Helen, GA for the day and had a great time. Dawson went to sleep pretty well. Woke up about 30 minutes after going down, drenched in sweat. I get him back to sleep and he sleeps again til about 1:30. I get him back to sleep and at 4:30 he practically jumps out of bed, runs to the fridge and wants milk. He asks for milk, and I give it to him after trying water first (he threw the water at me) and he sleeps again, til I had to wake him to leave for the day.

Overall, Saturday and Sunday night were MUCH better in comparison to the last few weeks. He’s still not STTN, but his wakes up are getting less and lasting less time. I think we’ll stay on this pace for a few days and then slowly try to work out me actually having to lay down with him in the bed, but being able to be near the bed instead.

My medicine must be starting to work, I feel normal again!

i never really talked about the PPD

Shortly after Dawson was born I felt the first twinges of super scary anxiety. Not new mom anxiety, definitely and obviously PPD anxiety. That and the lack of sleep and I was in the throws of a mild PPD. Luckily I'm skilled in recognizing when I'm spiraling, but usually I'm so ashamed to say much. No this current battle isn't the first. Or the second. I distinctly remember a similar spiral back in my 15th year summer. And maybe a tiny one my 2nd semester of my freshman year of college. Then after D was born and now. The first two I just got over. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling, never discussed it and just went on about my days like everything was great. In the meantime I was self sabotaging my friendships and relationships and my school work suffered some. I want from an A student with the occasional B to an A B student who was scattered brain. Maybe that's just college...anyway, after D was born I knew I had more than baby blues, and I worked up the nerve to call my ob office and make an appointment that I never went to. Instead one of the neurologists I worked for gave me a prescription for cymbalta and life picked up again. In November of 2009 I was off the cymbalta (had been for a couple of months) doing great and asked for a referral to a psychologist to make sure I could continue to do well. Dawson started sleeping great in November. Went to the psychologist he was super weird but helpful. When I left that day, the office was having computer trouble and asked me to call on Monday to make a follow up appointment. I never called. You see I thought my first appointment was so effective and that since I was doing so well that I didn't really need to see him. Then the ear infections, the no sleep again, and here we are now. I never should have skipped making that follow up. Oh, and I figured out my MIL issues. When I was 26 weeks pregnant we were just casually talking and I said something about PPD. She said she didn't believe that PPD was real and that it was a copout for women who didn't want to parent. So when I realized I was indeed suffering PPD I never said a word to anyone except for my friend Heather and the few online friends that knew. I didn't even tell Daniel. To this day he knows nothing of these struggles. This is something I have to work on. I have to be honest and upfront. And not ashamed and embarrassed. And yes I'm up at 3 in the morning bc the cymbalta gave me insomnia tonight and currently dawson is rolling around very restless. Oh and I tried cio for about 15 minutes tonight. It was going okay until he threw up and tried to climb out of his crib all in the same few motions. So tomorrow night when daniel is home we're going to make a solid gameplan about what to do and just get it done. With d able to climb out when he really wants to, some modifications may have to happen first though. Thanks for everyones support. I truly appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts (thanks Becca) and phone number offerings. You are amazing women and I'm lucky to have the encouragement from all of you. Please forgive any grammatical errors...its.3 in the morning and I'm on my blackberry.

The doctor's appointment.

Phew…that was kinda rough. I have never been as nervous for an appointment as I was for this one. I went in thinking that I could really explain how I was feeling rationally and easily, and as soon as I opened my mouth, the tears started flowing. I had no idea that was going to happen. My doctor asked me what was going on and I opened my mouth and choked back my tears and just told him I wasn’t functioning. We talked a while. It did help. Here’s our game plan. Dawson has to sleep. There are no longer any reasons to wait it out. We’ve got to do what we’ve got to do to get him to sleeping. Period. So, my doctor put me on an anti depressant, but also gave me a prescription for Ambien. His instructions are, take the ambien on a night when your husband is home and trust me, you won’t hear Dawson crying. Let him cry, even if it takes hours and days, let him cry. He has to sleep. Logically I already know all of this, and I don’t know how I feel about taking the Ambien, but I do have the prescription if it’s something that we want to try. I’m going at lunch time to fill the anti depressant prescription. At this point, we both feel like I really need it. Hopefully I won’t be on it too long and it’ll definitely help me to be able to make the changes that I need to make to function properly. He also says I’ve got to get out of the office. He says that just like walking, talking, sleeping, etc are learned things, that so is having fun. I used to have fun. I used to go out and I’ve got to retrain my mind to do those things again. I have instructions to go out Friday night with my husband sans baby. I have instructions to do this occasionally and sooner or later, I’ll enjoy it again.


I’m looking forward to feeling normal again, but it’s going to be a bit of a process and I’m sure I’ll have bad days and good days alike.

I also really opened up to Daniel. He had no idea I was feeling that way that I was feeling. He and I have a game plan too, but first things first, Dawson must sleep.

So an organized recap:

Start Cymbalta ASAP
Try CIO again and refuse to give in. Much reassurance that I'm not ruining my child and that if I don't do this, I'm not going to be mentally healthy. If I'm not mentally healthy, then I'm not my best. If I'm not my best, I'm not giving Dawson and my husband the best that I can give. Use the ambien if I can't take the crying, on nights when Daniel is home to be able to go to Dawson if really needed.
More date/girl nights even when I really don't want to.

I'll let you know how all of the above goes.

Heading to my doctors appointment now. Terrified of what I'm going to say...but it must be done.

Depression post from yesterday, follow up.(It's REALLY long.)

Putting my real feelings down yesterday, seemed to help me out a good bit. I did make an appointment with my doctor for Thursday. At this very moment, I don’t know if I need medication or not b/c I feel pretty good. Happy, normal, functioning. Yesterday, not so much. If I’m being really honest, I’m scared to death that it’s not depression, but something more serious like a mild form of bipolar. My grandmother was diagnosed with psychosis and I’m terrified that I have a true mental illness that will never go away like she does. I can’t even be in the same room with her b/c it’s just too weird. She’ll have a conversation with me and then I’ll talk to my grandfather and he says she won’t even remember the conversation. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even really know who I am. Clearly, I don’t have any of that going on. I think part of my self help at this point is going to be to put my feelings, raw and sometimes not always clear down on paper. Maybe it’ll help someone else…but mostly I hope it will help me. So here goes.


Dawson is wonderful. I love him with my whole heart, but I’m so aggravated with him over this sleeping thing that I don’t fully enjoy him. My mothering experience so far has been mostly great, but it’s very clouded with exhaustion and trying different techniques that don’t work. I want to do CIO, but the last time I tried we had a multi hour crying session and ended up with him throwing up. We (or I, I should say) are in survival mode and doing whatever works for now. Just last night, Dawson was down at 9:10, up at 10:30, 11:00, and then woke up at 2:30 screaming, put him in bed with me, after being incredibly restless and moving ALL over the place repositioning himself, waking and crying, sleeping for 2 minutes over and over again, he was back asleep at 3:45. I had to wake him up to leave for the day at 6:40. I’ve come to realize that many things aren’t that important and most things happen in their own time. I truly believe our sleeping habits will change, and I know I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel before, I’m just tired. Like I’m still functioning, most days, but I’m tired all the time. I put Dawson in bed with me, when nothing else works. I can’t stand at his crib rubbing his head for hours, so if putting him in the bed with me in the middle of the night will only have me up for an hour at a time instead of 2, I’ll do it. I know it’ll take 2 because I’ve been there and done that. Trust me, if you can think of it, I’ve tried it. Even with Dawson’s allergies, I really thought that the Zyrtec or the Benadryl (Doctor ordered and never together ) would finally give me a full night’s sleep…no such luck. I got 4 straight hours, which I sometimes get anyway. I mean Benadryl knocks most babies out for like 12 hours….not mine. I’m just at my wits end. Daniel does try, I don’t want to ever discredit his parenting, b/c he really does try, but Dawson wants nothing and I mean nothing to do with him in the middle of the night. Mommy and only mommy. Period. He’ll make an even bigger fuss if Daniel goes in and tries to comfort him.

Speaking of Daniel….Daniel’s work schedule is 3 days of 6am-6pm, followed with 3 nights of 6pm-7am, followed with 3 24 hour shifts off. Which means we rarely are off work together. When he’s working days, we get about 3 hours of time together before bedtime drama. When he works nights, we don’t see each other except for maybe (and that’s a big maybe) 10 minutes between the time I come in the door and the time he walks out. On his 3 days off, if they don’t fall on a weekend (and they only do every 6 weeks) then we still only get about 3 hours together. To say our time is limited is an understatement. To say we’re both tired is an understatement. Daniel is great with D. He does all the same parenting things that I do and he even gets up when I’m up with D, even though D doesn’t want him. He’ll get up and stay awake til I can go back to sleep. But, due to our lack of time together and our exhaustion we are both running on short fuses. We blow up at each other all the time. I miss my husband, our time together. I know that things aren’t as bad as they feel during a bad day, but I don’t want to be on edge all of the time. We are working on it, we both know that a simple lack of sleep plays a major role in our frustrations and a lack of time doesn’t help either. Hopefully next January his schedule will be changing to a 24 hour shift on, 48 hour shift off, type of schedule and we’ll actually be able to spend time together.

As for me, well like I said, today is a good day. I feel productive and functioning. But when it’s the middle of the night or a bad day, I hate myself. I hate that I get frustrated with Dawson. I hate that I can’t have all the patience in the world. I hate that sometimes I raise my voice to him when he doesn’t understand. I hate that I hate the sound of my son’s cry. I hate that last night I begged Dawson to sleep. I hate that I’m terrified of being a bad mom. Realistically, I know that recognizing all of these issues, means that in reality I’m doing pretty good. I also know that most of the time I’m a really good mom, but I worry. I really don’t want to screw up my child. I want him to always feel loved, confident, comforted, and trusting. He deserves all of that and more. I’ve got to my mind right so that I can give him all of that. As for me, Mandie, not mommy.. ..I’ve got to make some changes. I need to make more time for myself and friends. Sometimes a couple hours away from my family and my house, is a good thing and I need to remember that. One drink and a dinner with a friend doesn’t make me a bad mom, on the contrary it helps me recharge. I must stop living up to everyone else’s expectations. I’m not perfect, I’ll never be perfect, and it’s my right to parent my way without worrying about someone’s feelings on the manner. I love my MIL to pieces, but she’s got me so scared to screw up because I only want to meet her expectations. I don’t know why I feel that way. I don’t know why I care, but I always assume that she’s judging me and I need to be perfect mom and wife….I’m far from perfect and I need to stop worrying about. Truthfully, she’s never ever given me a reason to feel that way, I’m just seeking her approval. It’s like I need to hear that I’m doing well. I need people to recognize that. I know that stems from my childhood. My mom as hard as she tried, was not the type of mom to praise you for doing well. Doing well was expected and when you did so, that was what you were supposed to be doing so no need to acknowledge it. It was when you weren’t doing so well that things were acknowledged. I’ve got to let that constant need for approval go.

A lot of my bad day yesterday was because I spent a good deal of time budgeting our finances. I’m educated in smart financial matters…so I know what’s wise regarding money. Sometimes though, life steps in, and unexpected expenses creep up…..medical bills, new car tires, etc. That always stresses me out. I want to be in a place where I no longer have to worry about money, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be in that place. Sometimes I really feel that I should have married someone in a high paying profession. I should have just discounted our feelings and kept looking. I know how selfish that sounds, but budgeting sucks! Then, if I’m being really honest, I feel like a failure for not being a SAHM and working b/c I have to. I feel like all other SAHMs look at me like I’m less than. I don’t cook big meals, or make my own soap, etc. I’ll never fit in with that crowd. Simple is easier and if I can buy my laundry detergent in a bottle, and eat regular produce for half the price that’s what I do. And if I’m being even MORE honest…even if I stayed home, I wouldn’t do all of those things b/c really I have bigger problems than the environment right now. I’ll worry about the environment when my bills pay themselves and my house is cleaner than can be. Is it wrong that I don’t care anything about being green? Probably. Oh well, bigger fish to fry right now.

Lastly, I worry about our daycare situation. Dawson is with a great lady who loves him to pieces. She keeps him and only him. She’s a good 20 minutes out of the way from our house. I found a great new daycare that just opened 5 minutes from home. Pluses of daycare-socialization, strict schedule. Minuses-sick baby ALL THE TIME. Pluses of current situation-he’s happy and safe. Minuses-she’s out of the way, gas prices. I shouldn’t stress it but I do. Also, her husband isn’t working so what I pay her is their only income. They have 3 kids, and I should mention she’s my mom’s best friend. I feel like I’d be starving her family if I took that income away from them. I’m beyond envious of people who have family that keep their child for free. Do you know how much more money I could save with an extra $500.00 a month in my bank account? Daycare rapes me.

Wow, this was long. And grammatically incorrect….but I needed to get it out and I’ll probably do this often especially when I really need to.

Maybe admitting it here will make it easier.

I'm depressed. Need to see my docotr, get medication depressed. I'm out of patience, absolutely exhausted, completely unmotivated, and dreadfully ashamed of it all. I'm supposed to be super woman, and I'm just not. I can't handle all of this and my poor child and husband catch the brunt of this. When I'm up for the twentieth time at night since D still doesn't sleep I'm out of all patience. I just want to close the door, turn off the monitor and let him scream. Either that or yell at him to just shut up and sleep. I don't do either by the way, but I want to. I don't go out with anyone anymore, mu husband called me a hermit bc I don't go anywhere. My marriage is so rocky right now that I can't believe my husband still comes home. I'm mean to him and I yell and scream and just want to cry. I've got to go to the doctor and I know it yet I'm so embarrassed. So many people have way more stressful lives than I do and handle it just fine, what's wrong with me?

youve got to be effing kidding me

I just found a wasp, a really big, very alive ready to eat my poor child alive wasp in D's crib. I rarely pull D's blanket back until right before I'm laying him down, but I was putting his pillow in a different position and I moved the blanket. Thank goodness! I'm already crazy scared about things being in D's crib since I heard that story about the lady that found a snake in her childs crib...the wasp about sent me into convulsions so I know a snake would cause a massive heart attack and kill me on the spot. I hate bugs!

Biggest lie I was told regarding motherhood: one night, your kid will sleep all night and you'll wake up terrified...WRONG you lying bastards! In my house 16 months later, we still don't sleep...so if this ever happens to me, ill let you know if I woke up terrified or not. My guess is I won't bc when this finally does happen D will be like 15.

do you think before you speak (type?)

I inadvertently offended a fellow blogger today bc I typed out a comment to her post exactly as I was thinking it. I gave no thought to my typing bc it was afterall my raw response to her post. This is how I generally respond to people in real life. I have a tendency to speak then think as I process the information further. In real life I'm very shy and social situations throw me into a tizzy. I'm the wife that doesn't want to double date if I don't know you bc I'm sure you're prettier than me, nicer than me. And smarter than me. And I'm certain you won't like me. I'm terrified of my husband walking off and leaving me with strangers as I come across as bitchy and arrogant simply bc I'm really and honest to goodness terrified to talk to you. I have gone into hysterics many times due to my social anxiety and my husband has about walked out on me for it. Although I hate not being part of a group, I don't know how to fix it. I've just accepted that as an adult ill never be accepted and people just don't really like me. With the exception of a few people I'm not close to that many people and I struggle often with the fact that my career has more people intimidated by me in my office than wanting to get to know me. I'm not skinny enough or rich enough or exciting enough to be part of any groups. Take my messageboard for example, I've totally pulled away from that bc I don't consider myself important enough to contribute anything to it. I'm just a middle class working mom. My husband is a boring firefighter. I don't come from money. I certainly didn't marry into money. I'm not a stay at home mom bc I flat out can't afford it. I don't cook from scratch. I don't cook organic or make my own soap. I'm not a size 0 although I'd kill to be. I'm pretty but I'm not stunning. I'm nice but I cover it up with a tough don't want to be friends with you exterior bc you won't like me anyway attitude. I don't censor myself bc I already know that you don't like me so what's the point. I've got some serious soul searching to do. Its not okay for me to hurt your feelings bc deep inside I think the whole world hates me and wants to see me fail. Its not okay for me to not want to be friends with you bc you're 115 lbs and I'm not. I swear this stems from middle school when you had to be this person or you flat out had a miserable life. Now I'm scared to get to know anyone bc ill never be that person. Sure I can fake it but when it comes down to it I'm a jeans and t shirt kinda girl with simple taste who struggles financially sometimes, emotionally mostly, and who really just wants a good strong set of married mom friends. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and know that its okay to just be me and not the pretty one or the skinny one or the fashionista. I just want to really know that its okay to walk around in jeans, flip flops, t shirt, no make up, hair in a pony tail, and eat a piece of chocolate cake if I want to. Who am I wasting my life trying to be? And for the blogger's feelings that I hurt, I'm sorry!!! I should not take out my insecurities in you!

If your child gets a splinter, make an epsom salt compress out of epsom salt and water and put it on the splinter for 15 minutes and I swear it'll slip out!

I wish someone had told me that motherhood will sometimes feel like the loneliest place to be.

Ramblings...

I don't want a newborn ever again...so I don't really know if I will actually have anymore children...I don't want D to be an only child though...and I'm pretty sure I'm not spending tens of thousands on adopting either. I'm at the salon going blonde for the warm months. My child is the coolest kid I know. I've had so much fun playing and chasing him the last couple of weeks in the beautiful weather. I'm so glad I'm married to my husband. He's amazing! Don't know what to do about our child care arrangements. D and I both love his sitter and she loves him, but I think he needs socialization with other kids on a regular basis. I wish sh'd keep another toddler! Great daycare just opened about 2 minutes from my house. I love it too. What to do???? I'm down 20lbs and very few people have noticed. Guess I need to be stick thin for peoe to realize it. I'd like to lose 10 more and ill be happy, although I'm pretty happy with myself now. I'm about to do a major overhaul on my backyard to have it summer play time ready!