Putting my real feelings down yesterday, seemed to help me out a good bit. I did make an appointment with my doctor for Thursday. At this very moment, I don’t know if I need medication or not b/c I feel pretty good. Happy, normal, functioning. Yesterday, not so much. If I’m being really honest, I’m scared to death that it’s not depression, but something more serious like a mild form of bipolar. My grandmother was diagnosed with psychosis and I’m terrified that I have a true mental illness that will never go away like she does. I can’t even be in the same room with her b/c it’s just too weird. She’ll have a conversation with me and then I’ll talk to my grandfather and he says she won’t even remember the conversation. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even really know who I am. Clearly, I don’t have any of that going on. I think part of my self help at this point is going to be to put my feelings, raw and sometimes not always clear down on paper. Maybe it’ll help someone else…but mostly I hope it will help me. So here goes.
Dawson is wonderful. I love him with my whole heart, but I’m so aggravated with him over this sleeping thing that I don’t fully enjoy him. My mothering experience so far has been mostly great, but it’s very clouded with exhaustion and trying different techniques that don’t work. I want to do CIO, but the last time I tried we had a multi hour crying session and ended up with him throwing up. We (or I, I should say) are in survival mode and doing whatever works for now. Just last night, Dawson was down at 9:10, up at 10:30, 11:00, and then woke up at 2:30 screaming, put him in bed with me, after being incredibly restless and moving ALL over the place repositioning himself, waking and crying, sleeping for 2 minutes over and over again, he was back asleep at 3:45. I had to wake him up to leave for the day at 6:40. I’ve come to realize that many things aren’t that important and most things happen in their own time. I truly believe our sleeping habits will change, and I know I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel before, I’m just tired. Like I’m still functioning, most days, but I’m tired all the time. I put Dawson in bed with me, when nothing else works. I can’t stand at his crib rubbing his head for hours, so if putting him in the bed with me in the middle of the night will only have me up for an hour at a time instead of 2, I’ll do it. I know it’ll take 2 because I’ve been there and done that. Trust me, if you can think of it, I’ve tried it. Even with Dawson’s allergies, I really thought that the Zyrtec or the Benadryl (Doctor ordered and never together ) would finally give me a full night’s sleep…no such luck. I got 4 straight hours, which I sometimes get anyway. I mean Benadryl knocks most babies out for like 12 hours….not mine. I’m just at my wits end. Daniel does try, I don’t want to ever discredit his parenting, b/c he really does try, but Dawson wants nothing and I mean nothing to do with him in the middle of the night. Mommy and only mommy. Period. He’ll make an even bigger fuss if Daniel goes in and tries to comfort him.
Speaking of Daniel….Daniel’s work schedule is 3 days of 6am-6pm, followed with 3 nights of 6pm-7am, followed with 3 24 hour shifts off. Which means we rarely are off work together. When he’s working days, we get about 3 hours of time together before bedtime drama. When he works nights, we don’t see each other except for maybe (and that’s a big maybe) 10 minutes between the time I come in the door and the time he walks out. On his 3 days off, if they don’t fall on a weekend (and they only do every 6 weeks) then we still only get about 3 hours together. To say our time is limited is an understatement. To say we’re both tired is an understatement. Daniel is great with D. He does all the same parenting things that I do and he even gets up when I’m up with D, even though D doesn’t want him. He’ll get up and stay awake til I can go back to sleep. But, due to our lack of time together and our exhaustion we are both running on short fuses. We blow up at each other all the time. I miss my husband, our time together. I know that things aren’t as bad as they feel during a bad day, but I don’t want to be on edge all of the time. We are working on it, we both know that a simple lack of sleep plays a major role in our frustrations and a lack of time doesn’t help either. Hopefully next January his schedule will be changing to a 24 hour shift on, 48 hour shift off, type of schedule and we’ll actually be able to spend time together.
As for me, well like I said, today is a good day. I feel productive and functioning. But when it’s the middle of the night or a bad day, I hate myself. I hate that I get frustrated with Dawson. I hate that I can’t have all the patience in the world. I hate that sometimes I raise my voice to him when he doesn’t understand. I hate that I hate the sound of my son’s cry. I hate that last night I begged Dawson to sleep. I hate that I’m terrified of being a bad mom. Realistically, I know that recognizing all of these issues, means that in reality I’m doing pretty good. I also know that most of the time I’m a really good mom, but I worry. I really don’t want to screw up my child. I want him to always feel loved, confident, comforted, and trusting. He deserves all of that and more. I’ve got to my mind right so that I can give him all of that. As for me, Mandie, not mommy.. ..I’ve got to make some changes. I need to make more time for myself and friends. Sometimes a couple hours away from my family and my house, is a good thing and I need to remember that. One drink and a dinner with a friend doesn’t make me a bad mom, on the contrary it helps me recharge. I must stop living up to everyone else’s expectations. I’m not perfect, I’ll never be perfect, and it’s my right to parent my way without worrying about someone’s feelings on the manner. I love my MIL to pieces, but she’s got me so scared to screw up because I only want to meet her expectations. I don’t know why I feel that way. I don’t know why I care, but I always assume that she’s judging me and I need to be perfect mom and wife….I’m far from perfect and I need to stop worrying about. Truthfully, she’s never ever given me a reason to feel that way, I’m just seeking her approval. It’s like I need to hear that I’m doing well. I need people to recognize that. I know that stems from my childhood. My mom as hard as she tried, was not the type of mom to praise you for doing well. Doing well was expected and when you did so, that was what you were supposed to be doing so no need to acknowledge it. It was when you weren’t doing so well that things were acknowledged. I’ve got to let that constant need for approval go.
A lot of my bad day yesterday was because I spent a good deal of time budgeting our finances. I’m educated in smart financial matters…so I know what’s wise regarding money. Sometimes though, life steps in, and unexpected expenses creep up…..medical bills, new car tires, etc. That always stresses me out. I want to be in a place where I no longer have to worry about money, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be in that place. Sometimes I really feel that I should have married someone in a high paying profession. I should have just discounted our feelings and kept looking. I know how selfish that sounds, but budgeting sucks! Then, if I’m being really honest, I feel like a failure for not being a SAHM and working b/c I have to. I feel like all other SAHMs look at me like I’m less than. I don’t cook big meals, or make my own soap, etc. I’ll never fit in with that crowd. Simple is easier and if I can buy my laundry detergent in a bottle, and eat regular produce for half the price that’s what I do. And if I’m being even MORE honest…even if I stayed home, I wouldn’t do all of those things b/c really I have bigger problems than the environment right now. I’ll worry about the environment when my bills pay themselves and my house is cleaner than can be. Is it wrong that I don’t care anything about being green? Probably. Oh well, bigger fish to fry right now.
Lastly, I worry about our daycare situation. Dawson is with a great lady who loves him to pieces. She keeps him and only him. She’s a good 20 minutes out of the way from our house. I found a great new daycare that just opened 5 minutes from home. Pluses of daycare-socialization, strict schedule. Minuses-sick baby ALL THE TIME. Pluses of current situation-he’s happy and safe. Minuses-she’s out of the way, gas prices. I shouldn’t stress it but I do. Also, her husband isn’t working so what I pay her is their only income. They have 3 kids, and I should mention she’s my mom’s best friend. I feel like I’d be starving her family if I took that income away from them. I’m beyond envious of people who have family that keep their child for free. Do you know how much more money I could save with an extra $500.00 a month in my bank account? Daycare rapes me.
Wow, this was long. And grammatically incorrect….but I needed to get it out and I’ll probably do this often especially when I really need to.
9 comments:
*Hugs* I seemed to remember you tried CIO and it was less productive than helpful.
SAHM's don't look down on you for working because you have to! I count my lucky stars that I can SAH. At the same time, I've told DH that I sometimes feel worthless because I'm not contributing financially. I manage the bills and the household and I take care of our kid but I don't bring home the bacon. And I have always had a strong work ethic so it's hard to feel like my contribution is worth the same as my husband's. See? Doesn't matter what side of the fence you're on..
Maybe just talking to someone is what you need. My grandmother had alzheimers/dementia or some mental illness where she had no idea who her kids were by the end. It was scary. I went through a bout of panic attacks at one point in my life and by the time I went to the doctor, I was convinced that they were going to send me away to the crazy house for a while. I really thought I needed medication, etc. Turns out, I just needed to talk. I still get anxiety/panic attacks occasionally but I know how to recognize and manage them without medication. Getting enough sleep is one key. I can tell when I'm tired, the anxiety is worse. So..maybe you just need to talk? And drinks with friends definitely a plus!!!
Oh, and I may do hippie things like cloth diapers but I'm not about to make my own detergent or soap. :-) I have too many loads of laundry to fold to worry with mixing up batches of soap or even cookies from scratch. Hello...nestle tollhouse ready to bake cookies taste better to me anyway.
Sorry..I was long winded. Just wanted to say that I think you're a great person, so strong! Hugs and support!!!
Thanks Leek. Sometimes it does a world of good to get things off your chest, ya know?! I really appreciate the support, this is a foreign terroritory to me so I'm treading blind sometimes.
Mandie.. I hope you find the therapeutic value in writing that you need. I also hope the doctor has some very useful information and tips for you. I think no matter whether you are a SAHM or Working mom there is always a feeling of inadequacy because we are women, and women are always so hard on themselves... I would love to offer you my cell # in case you ever just need to vent to someone. Just email me at ersmathers@hotmail.com and I'll give it to you. You are such a sweet girl and a great mom, and you will find what works for you and dawson sleep wise. I have a friend who's 3 year old JUST NOW started sleeping through the night after having his adenoids and tonsils taken out even though he had had tubes placed in as a baby. Something will work and he will sleep. We did different approach to CIO we did let him cry but we would only let him cry for 10-15 minutes at a time and then we would go get him cuddle him and then try again. It worked eventually, now most nights he goes to bed with little to no fuss, we placed several toys in his bed with him and he will play sometimes for up to 30 mins before passing out, we also turn on the TV (he's in his crib in our bedroom still) and he will stand up and watch sprout and then lay down. I've found if we let him unwind in his bed he will lay down and go to sleep by himself. I think even if you had married someone who made more money, you'd still stress about money because those who make more, spend more. It is always best to marry for love :). Have you and Daniel thought about taking a couples weekend and letting one of the grandparent's keep dawson for the weekend? Sounds like you could use one. Just some thoughts, hth.
I agree with Leek, but from a working mom perspective. Just because you do something different than other people doesn't make you any less of a person or mother! You work because you have to - but I also know you like your job, and there's nothing wrong with that! It sounds like you have a really good situation with daycare for him, and you can worry about him socializing when he is preschool aged. Also, you can always set up playdates for the weekend. Or take him to the local park or zoo and get him to see other kids for a bit.
As for the earthy stuff - I feel the same way you do. Bigger fish to fry right now. I do what I can, but in my free time (which is limited) I want to spend it with S. So, if that means I use regular detergent and hire someone to clean the house for me with whatever chemicals they chose, so be it.
Just know, you're not alone, and you're not a bad person for doing what you're doing!
I just wanted to tell you that from everything you have ever written on the ivillage board and threw your posts on your blog...I know you are a great mother. I wish I lived closer to you and could help with Dawson so you could get some rest. I know how you are feeling and I know I may offend some of the SAHMs when I say this...BUT I am a working mom and have a husband who is gone most of the time (truck driver) and I have to do EVERYTHING. I have to go to work all day from 8 to 5 and then come home and do my second shift..cook, clean, laundry, take care of the dogs etc. I would kill to be able to stay at home and be with my baby. I mean for one thing...while she is napping I could do a load of laundry or begin cooking our dinner, but nope I'm at work 8-5 and don't get home until 6. So that means...mommy has to run in the house, let the dogs out, start dinner while still holding the baby so she doesn't fuss. Then eat dinner. Well then go give her a bath. Clean up the mess from dinner....and the list goes on and on. It's sooooo tough being a working mom! I mean we have to deal with the stress of not only home but also at WORK. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are soo not alone in how you are feeling and I'm soooo sorry that you are frustrated, but you are completely NORMAL. If it gets to rough just walk away from Dawson and leave him in his crib until you can regroup. Again, from what I've gathered from your posts you are a great mother. Would your mother in law watch Dawson for you one night so you could get a little rest. There is no harm in that. You are doing a great job. Oh and like I've said before....we have TOOOOO many other things to deal with to be caring about going green and making our own soap. I agree with you there. I hardly have time to brush my teeth and get Aubree to the babysitter and get to work...making my own soap and going back to a "simpler" life is not going to happen at my house anytime soon. ok girlie I hope things will get better!! : )
Just for the record... I am a SAHM and do not make my own soap or detergent or whatever, and I will never be "that person"... And I am often envious of the moms who get to go to work and have adult interaction. We just do the best we can as mommy's in our own situation. You are doing great Mandie, I know it. Hope you start feeling better soon!!!!
I agree with Angelique - it doesn't really matter what side of the fence you're on, guilt will always be a part of our lives because we're women. I often feel inadequate and beat myself up about having to pinch pennies when I could just go get a job and we wouldn't have to worry about money anymore. In the end, we do what WE think is best and it's important to remember that. I think we often feel guilty because we're not doing what other women are doing. I know I feel guilty because my husband's co-worker's wife works and I feel like Tim must be jealous of that because they have lots of money. Sorry this is getting long-winded, but hang tight to your convictions. You want to provide for Dawson and you love your job - there's no reason for you to quit! You're doing a fantastic job and have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about.
As for sleep, I can't relate but I can imagine how difficult it must be and I'm so sorry. If you've tried everything and nothing works, then just hang in there and know that sooner or later, he WILL start sleeping.
As for being "green," again, who cares if you're not! Don't compare yourself to others and feel like you're inadequate because you're not doing the same stuff. Yeah, I make everything from scratch now. Do I feel like it makes me a better mom or wife? NO way. It's just what I can do to help us live the way I want us to live while still allowing me to stay home. If I worked, there's no way I'd do any of this. I probably wouldn't even cloth diaper.
You're doing a great job. I really hope seeing your doctor helps. Hang in there.
When I was suffering from PPD after my son was born someone told me something that made me feel better about myself and stop feeling like the world's worst mother, here it is: This is Dawson's first time here, he doesn't know what a good mom or bad mom is he only knows you his mom. He doesn't know what you "should" be doing or that you aren't "perfect". You are perfect to him, he knows you love him, you take care of his needs and you are there for him. He doesn't care that Susie down the street stays home makes organic preservative free soap from ingredients she grew in her Organic garden while keeping a spotless house having the laundry always clean folded and put away and cooking gourmet meals from scratch. He doesn't care either. He only wants to know you love him and that he can count on you. Thats all that matters.
As far as being a SAHM, well its not as amazing as working moms think it is. Don't get me wrong I love that I can stay home, and I am grateful to be able to do so. But I don't have time to make my own soap. My house is often not spotless. My boss is demanding. My job is 24/7. I talk to a 5 yr old most of the day, when he isn't at school. I forget how to have adult interaction. I frequently say (out in public) I need to go potty. Gourmet meals rarely happen in my house, my laundry basket overflows. I envy working moms, and often feel inadequate because I don't work. When people ask what I do, and I say I'm a SAHM they often get sour face like I'm lazy, stupid or both. Then they promptly stop talking to me, because surely I don't know anything about the world. I often resent my husband when he comes home and lounges on the couch after work because I feel like I should get a break when he gets home. And I often want to punch him when he tells me "I've been at work all day, I'm tired" I think whatever you do, as a mom, you always think you should be doing something else.
I think that you are doing a great job! As moms I think we always doubt ourselves. But I promise there will come a day soon, when someone you don't know or even someone you do will look at Dawson and tell you what an amazing child you are raising. Then you will realize that all the stress, sleep deprivation and self-doubt was worth it.
I hope writing or talking helps you. But there is absolutely NO SHAME in taking medication if your Dr decides that is what is best.
I'm not "green". I'm cheap. Cheap. I have to cut costs where I can. But if I had to work full time, I wouldn't have the time or energy to even do that!
I think you are an amazing mom, wife and person!!
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