On the line...

Tonight, I'm going to be talking about my last post. You know the one that said I have stopped my birth control and am letting things happen. So here, I'm laying it on the line...I'm scared shitless of having another child. I want another child. I want Dawson to have a sibling. I want him to have a sibling before he's too old to play with one. But, I'm honest to God terrified of another child. As most of you know, Dawson did not sleep well AT all for the first 18 months of his life and only very recently started sleeping through the night and it's certainly not every single night. What if my next child is like this? What if i spend the next 5 years running off of very little sleep again? And, I've only very recently been able to get a break at night before I go to bed to just breathe. I need that time to relax and unwind from the day and to let all of that go....again...freaks me out. What if the baby has colic? What if Dawson hates being a big brother? What if Dawson tries to hurt the baby? What if I don't love the baby as much as Dawson...and most importantly, what if my first born feels rejected and lonely because Mommy and Daddy are busy with a baby....

Logically, I shouldn't even worry about this. I'm not pregnant. I have no idea when I'll be pregnant it could be a year from now....but it's still super scary to think about. Going from no kids to one kid wasn't so scary. I had no expectations because I honestly didn't have a clue what to expect...and while learning was fun, I'm settled into a pretty good routine and now I'm going to let it get all unsettled again...am I really ready for this?

3 Years Ago...

So 3 years ago today, I signed up on Fertility Friend to track my cycles since my husband and I were actively trying to conceive. 12/17/07 was the first day of the first cycle I ever tracked. Today, 12/17/2010 is 3 years later and I have just logged into FF for the first time since April 2008. I'm tracking my cycles again, and found it oddly coincidental that exactly 3 years ago I started the adventure that led me to Dawson. Now here I am at the very beginning of another adventure. One that may lead to me to an entirely different child....a second child. I don't know if this is just a coincidence, but it's certainly has me thinking about fate and chances, etc.

Thanksgiving.

When I was 2, my mom divorced my father. I, still, to this day do not know the logistics of their relationship. How long they dated before they got married, why they divorced, how life was for me those first 2 years...I know nothing of it. I guess I've never asked my mom. Or I never wanted to know. You see, growing up, my father was in and out constantly. He would be around for a few weekends, then not for a year or so....this was a vicious cycle that I allowed to continue until I was 20. Then, I said no more. I've had zero contact with him since then. I've actually been in the same room or house with him since then (b/c I still have a relationship with my grandparents) and I've actually not spoken to him. While I used to be angry as hell and hurt to the core that he could just abandon me like that..... I've made peace with it, mostly. I still don't understand it and he'll never truly see the pain he caused me. He'll never know how he screwed my life up but just not being around. Still, to this day I have severe abandonment issues...and I'm certain this is why I got married young and why I never have left my child for more than 16 hours...in 2 years. But, all of this has taught me a wonderful lesson.

Growing up, when I was down about my father being anything but a father my mom would always tell me to be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I don't. I've been reminded to not only  remember the great things in life every now and then but every day. To love and cherish family and friends and to focus on what's good. This isn't always easy. Especially on bad days. (Days where we've been negative in the bank and needed gas in the car...of course the mortgage was paid and payday was only a couple of days away...and in the meantime my wonderful in laws were willing to help. I've learned to budget....the hard way.

But this wouldn't be a typical Thanksgiving Day post without a list....so here it goes.

Obviously, my son. He's the typical toddler and gives me a run for my money, but he's my heart and I have never, in my life, experienced a love like the one I have for him. Our bond is unbreakable and I couldn't imagine life without him.

My husband. We may not always get along, but I love that man like there's no tomorrow. He knows my flaws and loves me anyway. He forgives me for my stupid mistakes and bad moods...and he's a great man and a great father.

My mother. She's a strong woman who's been through more hell in her life than I could ever imagine...but she loves us girls and is always here when we need her...even now, that we're all grown up.

My sisters. There is no more annoying thing in the world than siblings...there's also nothing in the world that compares to them. Sure, we bicker and and complain but in the end, I know my sisters have my back and I have theirs. I don't even know if they realize how important they are to me. Unconditional love was first shown to me by my sisters. We've held each other during the bad times. Spent the night in each other's beds. Laughed til we cried. Cried til we couldn't breathe. Stood by each other and just been an ear to speak to. I love these two girls and they make up a huge part of who I am. I can't remember childhood memories where they weren't there, and I wouldn't want to. I see the wonderfulness in both of them, even when they are having a less than wonderful moment. They aren't perfect, but I love them, imperfections and all and I hope when I'm old, that they'll be by my side as we watch our grandchildren play.

My in-laws-My in-laws have treated me like family from day one. They've welcomed me into their home and loved me like I was one of their own. They treat my son like he's the most amazing child on earth and he couldn't be more in love with them if he tried. They are great people and I'm blessed to be part of their family.

While I try to be thankful every single day for my blessings, I know that today I will remember to be thankful and to remind those important to me how much I appreciate and love them.

What a week!!

Today I worked and then after work I went to Gattitown (similar to chuck e cheese, without the mascot) with my sister and nephew. I enjoyed watching D and my nephew, who is 13 months older than D play together...it was so much fun and it makes me want another child ASAP. I can't wait to watch D play with his sibling.

Tomorrow-Is my last day at my full time job. Friday is my technical last day, but that brings me to Wednesday.

Wednesday-D's getting his second set of tubes and his adenoids taken out.

Thursday-Thanksgiving dinner with two families; mine and the hubbies. And I need to squeeze nap time in there somewhere.

Friday-I'm actually done Christmas shopping so I don't know if I'll hit up black Friday sales or not...but we'll see.

Guess who's sick...AGAIN?! Yeah, D is. FML

What disgusts me.

When I see things like this...I want to throw up. What type of world are we living in? Where it's okay for parents (step parents, ARE parents) to harm and even kill their children? Caylee Anthony, Kyron Horman, Zahra Baker, and those are just three that come mind. These innocent children, who only loved and trusted their protectors...and those protectors turned on them. In my mind, there is a special place in hell for people who harm children. (yes, I realize that in all 3 examples, no one has been found guilty of harming these children, but with the facts that lead to the suspicions, you can't deny that it's pretty obvious that these children were harmed in some way shape or form by their parents/step-parents.)

I had always heard that a mother's love was indescribable. And, it really is. The mere thought of harming my child makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot imagine the evil a person  must have inside themselves to hurt their child. Love doesn't even describe what I feel for my child. I don't understand how people that only want to harm children and repeatedly abuse children are given the gift of parenthood...when there are people in this world that would only love and cherish children that they may never have. I know it's not my place to judge or decide, but working in pediatrics I see cases of children that are harmed and killed daily. Shaken Babies, neglected children, physically, sexually, mentally abused children that will never know what it's like to just be loved and adored. It's so unfair.

Can't sleep.

I'm up. I'm not even tired. I have to work tomorrow. I miss my husband. He's away for 6 days and that's 3 days longer than we've ever been apart. My heart is aching and he's only been gone a day. He left this morning at 4:30. Once upon a time, I loved the nights when I was alone. I could do and watch whatever I wanted and go to bed whenever I felt like it. Now I miss the warmth of my husband in the bed next to me. I miss the scent of his aftershave and the comfort of waking up in the middle of the night and knowing he is there. Sure, he'll be home Friday night...and I'm certainly used to being alone, especially during the night shift part of his tour. But, I still miss him. I'm really looking forward to the changes that are coming up in our family. But first, some things I'm not looking forward to...
Dawson has to get another set of tubes on the 24th and his adenoids taken out. He's had more ear infections than I can count in the last year and that's with tubes...so when I was told they had come out a couple of weeks ago (when he had pneumonia) I immediately called the ENT and made an appointment to talk about them going back in. Couple that with the fact that the deductible will have to be paid again come January 1, I felt like we should go ahead and get it over with. His ENT thinks the adenoids need to come out too, so we'll do all of that at the same time. It's never easy to see your child taken from your arms to go to the ER even if it is a tiny procedure that is super common. Now that he's older than he was at 14 months, I dread the sound of his cries and screams when they come to take him from me to go to the OR. The thought of that brings me to tears and breaks my heart.

But we'll get past it and he'll hopefully have fewer to no ear problems from here on out. 11/23 is my last day at my full time position. I start training for my new part time position on the 29th. I'm looking forward to this change more than I can explain, but I'm also a tiny bit apprehensive. I have faith that it will all work out though. Where there's a will there's a way.

Happy Holidays!!

It’s that time again…you know…time to start planning the holidays. If you’re like most people, holiday cards are on your list, but definitely further down than presents, food prep, travels, etc. You’ll probably through something together last minute….well not this year!! Shutterfly is offering some beautiful cards for the holiday season, and you’re if you’re a blogger, you’re in even better luck!! Shutterfly is giving away 50 free cards just for being a blogger.  But, wait, even better....say you don't celebrate Christmas...that shouldn't stop you!! They have cards for all Holidays!! Hanukkah and Mother's day.  You don't want to be stuck in a situation with a holiday approaching and you have no card to send to anyone. What's a better excuse to show off your beautiful family than a Holiday card?? And...also, Birthday invitiations....yep personalized invites that are way better than store bought fill in the blanks.  

Finally, not only can you get cards, but you can get gifts. Calendars, photo books, and much much more.

And remember, if you're a fellow blogger, you can get in on this deal for FREE!!

Internal Struggle

So, today, I gave my three week notice at work. To say that making this decision was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life? That, would be a understatement.  You see, this decision is not one like saying I’ll have pizza for dinner tonight. Pizza isn’t going to make or break your dreams and goals….but a major career decision, such as leaving your dream job to go to a part time job that comes with less hours and less pay, well that is a make or break situation. My heart wants what it wants. And what that is? Is to be able to have more children and not have to pay daycare full time for two kids. My heart wants to be with my son and enjoy simple things like the sunshine and icecream together without having to take time off from work or wait til the weekend.  My mom says that when you make decisions for the right reasons things just work out. I have to believe that. I’m taking a leap of faith doing this. I’m excited and really nervous for this change, but I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to know that I followed my heart and that I truly considered the pros and cons and didn’t make a split second decision. I’m going to enjoy this. And when I look back, I’m certain I’ll have no regrets only wonderful memories of time spent with my child and future children. My marriage will be better for this and my parenting will be too. Thanks for all the words of encouragement. It helps to know that I’m not the only one that has had to make such a difficult decision.  

Major Changes and Pneumonia

Well, I did it. I accepted a PRN position that means I’ll make much less money but have MUCH MORE TIME HOME WITH MY BABY!! Honestly, I’m super excited. I’ll start the first week of December and I can’t wait. D will be going to daycare only 2 days a week and I’ll get him with me the other 5  Awesomeness. I have met several ladies that I’ll be working with and honestly, in my heart I know I’ve made the right decision. I’m leaving my “dream job” behind but I’m getting to follow my heart and be with my child and hopefully have another child soon. Life has been full of big decisions here lately, but I feel like I’m making the right ones.


Not so awesome? D is battling and winning pneumonia. Happy that he’s feeling much better, sad that he had to deal with this in the first place. Sunday we were at the doc for croup (second time with croup in one month) and an eye infection…then Tuesday at the pediatrician with a junky sounding cough and diagnosed with pneumonia. After two shots of rocephin and countless breathing treatments he’s finally sounding much better. Scary thing to see your child struggling to breathe.

Other news? None. Life is busy, but sweet.

Mind is made up :)

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last blog post about whether or not giving up my “dream job” to go to a part time position is worth it. I have decided that I am going to go part time. I may not take the job that has been offered to me, but I have been looking around and have already had 4 interviews for a part time/prn position. I’m mostly hoping that the PRN position works out, honestly. The hours are completely up to me and I’m only required to work 2 shifts a week. Which means I could work up to 40 hours if I needed to or only 16…..it’s really a GREAT position. I have my second interview tomorrow for this position and we’ll go from there. It’s really been a tough decision, but after weighing all the pros and cons and deciding that time with my little guy is the most important thing, the decision was made. My husband is being super supportive and I’m just waiting until I actually take a position before I turn in my notice….once it’s done it’s done and honestly, I cannot wait!!


In other news, here are a couple cell phone pics of D from yesterday. The two cow costumes are from getting dressed for Boo in the Zoo and the one with the puppies is from my mom’s house.

Personal struggle, dilemma, something...

I’m in a bit of a situation. Granted, a created situation. But, none-the-less, a situation. You see one year ago, I was offered and accepted my “dream job” and it’s turned out to be a great job. But, my heart is at home with Dawson. I have the option to take a part time job that will allow me more time at home with Dawson. He’ll still be in daycare probably 2 days a week, but I will certainly get more time with him. It will also save me the large amount we pay on daycare every week and most importantly, I’ll get more time with him. Here’s the kicker….in my heart, I want to do this. My head? Is screaming not to.


I was raised by a very independent women who insisted on education and having a career that could support myself and my children without the aid of another person. This was drilled in my head literally almost every day of my life. It was my goal and I have achieved that. What I didn’t know was how much I would long to be with my child on the long days at work. What I didn’t know was that my heart wouldn’t be in my career. What I didn’t know was how materialistic I’ve become and how much I hate that. My heart says this is a GREAT opportunity. My head says I’m being stupid. Why would I even logically think about letting my dream job go to a simple part time job? Why would I even consider this? Well my heart knows why. It’s the best of both worlds. My head still says it’s stupid. Financially it would even out pretty much the same when gas and daycare costs are subtracted….so really it’s an internal struggle not a financial one.

If I do this, will I be letting my mom down? Maybe. If I do this, will I be letting my family down? If I don’t do this, will I be letting myself down or my child down? You see I WANT to be the mom at all the events, the PTA mom, the classroom mom, the mom that does all the things with the school and my child. I want another child and I know that logically I cannot in no way shape or form afford daycare for two children. That cost would be significantly more than the cost of my mortgage. Right now I pay what I pay for my mortgage in daycare expenses…..

The only other issue is that right now, being in school, my current employer will give me 75% of my tuition as long as I agree to stay full time here for at least 4 more years. Is it worth it? I mean it’s a great opportunity, but really is it worth it?

Picasso? Van Gogh?

My child may end up being the next big thing in art... Or not :) He's painting his pumpkin from the pumpkin patch...and himself.

UGH!!!

Ever have a day when you want to pull your hair out, throw your phone and your computer out the window of a fast moving car, get a divorce, and quit work all at the same time? Yeah, that’s me today. Normally, work NEVER stresses me. I realize that there are way more important things in life than work, so I let most things roll. But the last week has been insanely busy as I try to set 23 practices up on a brand new payment system. And all 23 practices are having issues which mean my phone and computer have been super busy and I’m being pulled all across the effing country to fix things like check scanners and show someone how to make a proper deposit. Really?!?!?
Also, Christmas and D’s birthday will be here very soon. 12/23/08 is D’s day and then obviously Christmas follows right after…so that means I’m trying to save money for those two events so that it doesn’t just hit us come December. Well, normally my husband telling me he’s going to spend 40 dollars on a phone wouldn’t bother me, but today, it annoyed the hell out me and I flipped out on him. Yeah, I apologized, but damn you have a phone that works just fine, do you really need another one? I mean it’s not even a lot of money, but he called at the wrong time.
Lastly, we’re getting a new roof put on the house today and tomorrow. So that’s a whole bunch of money I’m about to write a check for and honestly I don’t want to. I know that insurance paid for some of it, but I liked that money sitting in savings. And once the roof is one, the savings is back down and that means I have to build it back up…and that just sucks.

I’ve briefly mentioned some of the negative from my childhood. Because, well there was some. But, it wasn’t all bad and there were PLENTY of good times and I certainly have some great memories, wonderful values and morals, and a lot of happiness too.

I’m from a smallish southern town stuck smack dab in the middle of two major cities (Atlanta and Charlotte). I’m from rows and rows of cornfields and an amazing downtown area. I’m from good ole’ southern charm and sweet tea with dinner. I’m from lifted trucks and a day spent four wheelin’ in the mud is the best kind of day. I’m from football is a way of life not a hobby. I’m from pecan pie just because. I’m from home made icecream, hand picked strawberries, and apple trees growing in the front yard. I’m from Christmas morning starting as EARLY as possible and a huge Christmas morning breakfast. I’m from stuck in the middle of two sisters. I’m from a mom that gets on my nerves but loves me to pieces. I’m from you do it because you want to. I’m from no one leaves the house until it’s clean on Saturday morning. I’m from French toast and sausage. I’m from GRITS with cheese and bacon. I’m from fried chicken (mine without bones, please), homemade mac and cheese, butter beans, sweet peas (Le Seur brand only) fried squash, and a million other Southern Comfort foods. I’m from greasy cheeseburgers and cook outs to celebrate everything. I’m from tractors and hayrides. I’m from festivals and fairs. I’m from not always a bright childhood, but not as bad as it could have been. I’m from unconditional love, even when it hurts.

I’m from married to my highschool sweetheart, bought a house at 19. I’m from knock down drag out fights to hardly even fuss anymore. I’m from if you go to bed angry you better make up first thing in the morning. I’m from wonderful in laws and an amazingly accepting extended family. I’m from being the best damn mother I can be because my child deserves it. I’m from playing outside til dark. I’m from bath time is for singing, playing, splashing, and dancing. I’m from collapsing on the sofa at the end of a long day. I’m from checking on my “buggy” everytime I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m from co sleeping, baby wearing, to co sleeping and baby carrying whenever he wants me to. I’m from spoiling my child like crazy and still finding a balance. I'm from rocking my child to sleep every single night until he flat out refuses to let me do so. I'm from won't let him cry because it hurts too much. I'm from pick him up and dust him off. I'm from scraped knees healed with kisses. I'm from nothing sweeter than my beautiful boy. I'm from can't WAIT for football, t-ball, and soccer, unless he wants to do something else and then I'm from that. I’m from unconditional love, even when it hurts.

Thank you, Mama

So, all of last week D was sick. Nasty yucky phlegmy cough and crying and whining and not his self. Totally out of character. I take him to the doctor, they say he has a cold. This is Monday. Still sick Friday, I’ve missed 1.5 days of work already and Daniel has missed 1 day. Goes to school all day on Thursday. Still not great, but no fever, playing, close to himself. Then Friday, around lunch they call me and tell me he’s just not himself….really fussy, whining, etc. I go get him because I know he wants me and I want to be with him. Go back to the doctor where just 4 days ago his ears where great…one is now infected.
On the way back from the doctors office, D is just fussy and cranky and not himself. He’s playing with his toys and he drops one. I pick it up and throw over the car seat too him and out of nowhere my child goes “Thank you, Mama.” It was the best 3 word sentence I’ve ever heard. Not only is my child speaking well, he’s also polite!! I love it.

A melody of things....

Have you ever had something totally unexpected take you back to a completely gone and forgotten place? A song, a scent, a movie, a food, anything? I have. Last night a favorite blogger of mine wrote a post that took me back to a time in my life where I was super carefree, thought I was totally in love, and wildly passionate about a boy that I thought was going to be my forever. Good thing he wasn’t. Isn’t. Good thing. He would have ruined my life. I would have let him. Thank God for miracles that come in the form of love, compassion, and stability. My husband. Thank God for heart ache and reaching the breaking point. Thank God for walking away albeit later than I should have. Thank God for open arms, forgiveness, and a willingness to understand, trust, and love.
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made one single decision differently? If I hadn’t gone to the movies with a friend one night, I never would have fallen in love with my husband. I probably would be married now, but not to him. I have no idea what road my life would have taken, but I know where the road started to my current life.
I didn’t post about September 11th on Saturday. You all know my husband is a firefighter. You all know that means that what happened to those firefighters, paramedics, and police officers in 2001 weighs heavy on my heart. I haven’t forgotten. How could I? How could any of us? That could be my husband one day. Granted, we don’t have the metropolis of NYC, but he works for a large city department. He’s in tall buildings every day. I could lose him while he’s been a hero, easily. I don’t dwell on that. I prefer to think of him at work, doing his job. He’s passionate about it. I love that he loves his work. I love him. I trust him to take care of himself, but I also know him well enough to know that he’d give his own life to save another in a split second. Sometimes, if I’m being really honest, that’s hard to accept. For me, my family is number one. As selfish as it sounds, I doubt that I could give my own life to save another unless it was for my family. I can’t imagine giving up and risking being Dawson’s mother to save a complete stranger. That’s the difference in me and Daniel. That’s why I don’t work in that field.
You know what scares me? My child, the epitome of innocence and the embodiment of life…will be numbed to the evils of this world, just like we all are. We have seen some terrible terrible events in our lives. From school shootings, gang violence, terrorist attacks, to local murders…and most of us are numb to this. Of course it still evokes emotion, but we expect this. I hate to think that one day, my child, will expect this too. I wish he could stay pure from the evils of the world forever. I know he can’t….but I still wish he could.

For anyone that may need to shoot me an email

So some people have let me know that they would like to send me an email for whatever reason (like making their blog private) or wanted to correspond with me off the blog.... my email is mivie0513 at yahoo dot com. Please feel free to shoot me an email whenever you want....and to the particular blogger that's going private...of course I want to keep reading, please add me to your list when you can :)

What you don't know.

My family=dysfunction. I don’t speak of my personal family life on my blog. It’s painful. It’s a LONG past, and frankly, I try to rise above it and move on from it daily. I’m not talking about my husband or my child or our life together…I’m talking about the family that raised me and the family that I lived with for my early part of life.
My mother-my mother is the strongest woman I know. She’s been through hell and back and is in the midst of the hardest fight of her life right now. I love my mother. But, she’s a workaholic who favors my niece over her other two grandchildren and who rarely if ever makes time to be a part of my adult life or my child’s life. If I want to see her or talk to her I have to make the effort. Frankly, I’m tired of making the effort. I can give and give, but I will never make my son give in order to win someone’s love. So I’m not giving anymore. I went a full month without calling my mom. I spoke to her twice because she called me about a work related question. (she’s an RN, and me being a coder, she had a coding question.) She’s also had a long history of failed relationships and has managed to marry every man she has dated. I’m honestly embarrassed to admit this but she’s on husband number 4.
My Father-My father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. When he and my mom divorced when I was barely 2, he’s been pretty nonexistent. I’ve seen or talked to him here and there, but nothing that ever lasted, and I’ve never called him Dad. I haven’t talked to him since my wedding in 2006. I have no desire to and unfortunately due to no relationship with him; I also have no relationship with my two half brothers (born to him and my step mother). I used to cry myself to sleep wondering why he didn’t love me or want me, but now I’m just bitter and angry and also I have no understanding of how someone couldn’t or wouldn’t love their child and want to be with them all the time. I’m a mother now and I know what it feels like to love your child. I can’t imagine not making every effort in the world to do that.
My older sister-She’s 29, has two children. A past full of drugs, stripping, and terrible decisions. She’s also severly ADD and bipolar and on no medication for either. She tries to be a good mom, but once her children are old enough to speak, she has very little patience for them and ends up doing more harm than good. She yells at them and jumps at every chance to not be with them. She experienced some terrible things in her childhood and has never moved past them. Fortunately, she is sober, but no one knows when that could change. I had custody of her daughter a few years ago and she’s stable enough to be with her mom now, but her mom treats her like a 17 year old and not a 7 year old. It’s going to be a rocky life for my niece and nephew and legally there is nothing that I can do about it. She’s brilliant and educated and unfortunately she just can’t pull it all together. I love her and talk to her multiple times a day but I can’t fix her so I just support her and help when I can.
My little sister-She’s almost 20 and sometimes she has the maturity level of a 12 year old…but I love her. And she’ll do great things with her life as long as she keeps her head on straight. She’s in school, doing well, and is on the right path. I just hope nothing knocks her off and I hope she gets out of my mom’s house ASAP.
My step-dad-When my mom met, dated, and married my step-dad I really thought things would turn out so well. He’s a good man, a strong worker, and a loving person. Or he was. I guess he’s always been an alcoholic, but it’s severe at this point and he’s severely depressed. My mom says he’s suicidal and she’s doing everything she can to help him, but sometimes, no ALWAYS people have to help themselves. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to drink himself to death and he’s done nothing in the last 3 years but cause pain, strife, stress, and worry. I don’t allow my child around him unless I’m there too because the situation can turn volatile at a moments’ notice. And it’s rare that he’s ever allowed around him. I don’t speak to him because I have nothing to say. I want him to get help and get the hell out of my mom’s house. I want my mom to face her demons and go back to the mom I knew when I was a small child.
I have no idea how I turned out the way that I did. Don’t think that I don’t have my flaws and didn’t make my mistakes because I do and did and still do, but I moved out at 18, went to school, got married, bought a house, and now I’m raising my family with the help of my amazing husband. I’ve stumbled….good God, I’ve stumbled. I stayed away from drugs, but I’ve drank and made bad decisions. I’ve almost ruined my marriage more than once. I’ve felt unworthy and I’ve lived through a severe post partum depression that I kept hidden to myself. I’ve wanted to die and I’ve begged to feel alive. I’ve climbed and clawed my way out of some of the worst situations, but I’m here…alive and thriving. That’s all we can do as people. Take what we’ve been given and live the best life that we can. I intend to do that…every minute of every day. After all, I have every reason to want to live an amazing life and he’s about 3 feet tall.

Memorial Day weekend we kicked off the summer with a weekend camping trip. Labor Day weekend, we ended the summer with a camping trip. In the middle we had a Gatlinburg weekend trip complete with a visit to the aquarium and the new penguin exhibit as well as a Tybee Island weeklong vacation. This was really an amazing summer. My son, who last year, was barely crawling, ran and played and fell and scraped his knees, and bruised his legs, and loved EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. Of it. I can’t believe how different this summer was compared to last year. I can’t imagine how different next summer will be, and the next and the next. When people tell you that time flies when you have children…they are so telling the truth. Time does fly.
Now, we look forward to crisp mornings and evening, apple picking, pumpkin carving, candy eating, Halloween dressing, Thanksgiving, red and orange leaves, 2nd Birthdays and Christmas and then 2011. What an amazing time we have planned. Speaking of Halloween, I cannot decide what I want D to be for Halloween. I’ve been looking at costumes for months now. It’s getting frustrating!! Nothing seems to capture his cuteness just right.
Lastly, I’m a little sad. Sad that my baby boy is now a toddler boy. Sad that I desperately want to be pregnant again. I want to feel those little kicks and rolls. I want to have a baby belly. I want to wear maternity clothes. I want to be a mom of 2 babies. I don’t want to wait another minute. I’m sad because my husband doesn’t agree. He’s not ready. He says next year, but I don’t know if he’ll be ready then or not. The unknowingness of when our next child will happen is killing me. Seriously. If you know me, you know that patience is not my forte’. I understand his hesitance. I really do. I don’t want to force my older child to grow up too quickly b/c a new baby is coming, but I also remember that the first 6 months or so are pretty laid back with a baby. So, we'd all be hanging out watching our oldest keep growing up and watching our new one become a toddler. I can't wait. I can't wait to be a mother of 2. 2 boys. 1 boy, 1 girl....either/or. I just want it. Honestly? Toddler days are WAY more exhausting than any newborn-6 months time was. If Dawson had slept through the night before 16 months, our first year would have been a breeze. I think Daniel forgets that those first few months weren’t hard. They were actually considerably boring compared to one year and after. So, I guess….right now, we’ll wait.

Well, Hello Sunshine

Dear Scootie (otherwise known as Dawson),
Today is the third day in a row that I have dropped you off from daycare and you haven’t cried. You’ve been going to this WONDERFUL place since 6/1/10. At the end of July I dropped you off on a Friday and you didn’t cry and then we went to the beach for a week and when we came back you started crying again. You’re a smart cookie and you think that crying for literally 60 seconds would make me not leave. Trust me son, some days it’s all I can do to leave you and go to work. I sure do miss you at work during the days, but it does give me a chance to refresh and be super excited to pick you up and spend the rest of the evening with you. You’re so much fun these days. You’ve always been wonderful but in the last 6 months you have learned so much and you honestly learn something new EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My heart jumps for joy every time I hear a new word or sentence (since you’re putting those together as of the last couple of weeks!!) or color or letter. You’ve got a few colors down and about 3 letters. This is a big deal!! I’m so proud of you. You are so smart and absolutely amazing. Your compassion is just as strong as your Dad’s. If the dog doesn’t have a full bowl of food you must fill it first thing. That’s the first thing you do when we come home. You run and check Simon’s food and water bowl and want them filled up immediately if they don’t meet your strict standards. You’ll tell me “more food” and “more water”. You are super loving. You love to be held and everyday you run up to me and throw your arms around my neck. I think my heart could burst when you do that. Even if I’ve had the worst day, you always know how to make it better. You literally amaze us every day with your wonderfulness. Keeping being you son. My boy with the pretty blue eyes. My heart and soul.

Football and tutus

When I was 3 years old, my older sister was 8. (My little sister wasn’t born yet) Courtney (older sis) and I were pretty much inseparable. We played together. We fought together. I followed her around like a lost puppy. She hated it and she loved it. Mostly, though, I think we loved having each other. We had a huge bonus room that was painted bubble gum pink, just for us. In my memories (at 3) of this room, it was massive. I’m talking HUGE. It probably wasn’t THAT big, but to me it was. Inside this room, our stepdad built us this huge playhouse that was 2 stories and had windows and stairs and it was awesome. I’d pay good money to still live in that house with that awesome playhouse built on the inside!! Anyway, I remember playing for hours in the pink room. It was fun. I also remember that Courtney’s best friend, Adrienne, lived across the street. They would go and ride their bikes all around the neighborhood. I couldn’t go because my bike had training wheels and I couldn’t keep up or go up and down the big hills. Well, at 3, I’d had enough! I wanted to ride with the big girls. So, I told my stepdad to take the training wheels off and he said he would, but that if he took them off he wasn’t putting them back on. I would just have to learn to ride. So I did. I also learned to swim at 3 because my sister was and I wanted to.
This post…is about siblings. I loved and still love having siblings. There were 3 of us so it was always 2 against 1 or 3 against our mom. But, we still love each other very much and now that we’re all grown up, we’re all pretty close. I want Dawson to have a sibling. I can’t wait for Dawson to have a sibling. Unfortunately, Daniel can wait. He could probably wait a couple of years or more. I can’t wait that long. I have this deep-seeded yearning in my heart for another baby. I don’t want to get too far away from the newborn days and then have to go back. I may never go back. Also, I keep going back and forth on what gender I would prefer the second time around. My heart is obviously my son. I would SO take another little boy in a heartbeat…but wouldn’t it be a perfect world if I could have one of each? Maybe, maybe not. I know that the disappointment I felt when I found out definitively that Dawson was a boy was a lot to handle. I wanted that girl so badly. I knew in my heart Dawson was a boy, and when he was born you couldn’t have given me 20 girls for my one boy. I was meant to be a boy mom. Like I said, I would SO take another little boy. Being a boy mom and the queen of the house is pretty damn fun. I can’t wait for football and tee ball and soccer…and honestly, I have no heartache over not having ballet class or gymnastics coming up in the not so distant future…but hair bows and tutus would be pretty awesome too. I mean I’m a little old for tutus and people kind of look at me funny when I wear a big flower in my hair.

My memories (could be boring to you, but very important to me)

Isn’t it funny what we remember? What sticks in our heads. The sights, the smells, the tastes, the things that make up our most precious commodities.
I don’t remember when my little sister was born. I don’t remember when she came home from the hospital. I have very few memories of her as a small child. She’s five years younger than me. I should certainly have some memories of these things. I do, however remember the day my sick from the start little brother died. I was three. I remember Christmas when I was three. I remember roller skating at three with a glass orange juice bottle and falling and cutting my hand. (WHO thought it was a good idea to give the girl on roller skates a glass bottle???) I remember moving when I was five. I remember visiting my grandparents and coming home on Christmas Eve and “Elves” had decorated my room. I can’t remember the color of the bathroom that I used for 9 years. I can’t remember ever bathing in that bathroom. I remember lying in front of the clothes dryer in the mornings to get warm after waking up and getting ready for school. I remember first grade math games with goldfish. I barely remember 2nd grade. I remember how profoundly the civil rights movement affected me in third grade when I was first exposed to that type of history. I remember when Susan Smith killed her kids. I remember when OJ Simpson was found not guilty. I remember the Oklahoma City Bombings. I remember the Columbine Shootings. I remember exactly what I was doing my 10th grade year when the first bits of news came out about the September 11th plane crashes. I remember exactly what I and Daniel were wearing when we went to the movies with our friends and discovered our large crushes on each other. I remember falling in love for the first time and I remember how badly it hurt when that ended. I remember my 2nd love and being sure I would be with him forever even though he’s turned out to be a giant asshole. I remember bits and pieces of Christmas’ past. I remember how the house always smelled of delicious turkey, mac and cheese, green beans, ham, and various other Thanksgiving items. I remember my Kindergarten graduation and the smells and visions of my elementary school creaky wood floors. I remember the elementary school carnivals and local fairs. I remember being inseparable from my big sister for years and then hating each other for days and then being inseparable again. I remember my first day of my first real job and how much I hated the day time manager, but I can’t remember her name to save my life. I remember the guy who worked at the go kart park that I had a huge crush on, but again, no names. I remember spending many nights at the local skating rink when I was 12 and 13 with my friends and various crushes. I remember the guy who was crazy about me, but I just didn’t like him that way. I remember the first time I felt not pretty enough or smart enough. I remember the first time I realize that sometimes adult suck too. I remember my first gymnastics class at 4 and the pink leotard with various color hearts on the front and the ruffles on the butt. I remember the moment my niece was born and the first time she fell asleep in my arms. I remember when my nephew was born. I remember the first positive pregnancy test. I remember the pain I felt when I lost that baby. I remember the first ultrasound with Dawson and the first kicks I knew for certain were kicks. I remember how fast those 9 months flew by. I remember the 3.5 hours of labor and the 2 hours of pushing and I remember his cries. I remember when they placed him on my chest and I looked at my husband with tears streaming down his face. I remember the look on my mother in law’s face when she saw her grandbaby for the first time. I remember the pride in my grandparent’s eyes as they realized they were now great grandparents. I remember the fear in my mom’s eyes when I was in labor and she came in. She was worried about her baby. I remember the pain from the stitches after my epidural wore off. I remember I wanted waffles for dinner the night D was born. I remember being awake all night just wanting to go home and sleep in my own bed. I remember asking the OB first thing on 12/24/08 if we could go home. I remember going home with my son. Introducing him to his house and laying him in his own bed the first time. I remember how small he looked in the crib. How big the crib looked. I remember being so tired I couldn’t function. I remember living like a zombie for months and months. I remember praying and crying for sleep. I remember not sleeping for 16 months. I remember first rolls, crawls, and steps. I remember first words…and how much my heart grew the moment my son called me “mama”. I remember the first bath and the first bite of real food. I remember the first camping trip and the first beach trip and how he hated the ocean and drew his little feet up and screamed when we put him in the water. I remember the first pool dip. I remember picking out his Halloween costume for his first Halloween when I was still pregnant with him. I remember his first Halloween as a spider. I remember his first hair cut and his 2nd and 3rd. I remember the first time he told me no. I remember how still sometimes in the middle of the night I’ll hear a little voice asking for his mama. I remember our first zoo trip, first children’s museum trip, and first public meltdown. I remember his first day of real school and crying like my heart had been ripped from my chest. I remember the first time he didn’t cry when I dropped him off at school. I remember how every afternoon when I pick him up he runs to me, screams “mama” and throws his arms around my neck. I remember his first pair of shoes. I remember his first Santa Claus visit. His first Christmas. His Second Christmas. I remember pinching his little leg in the car seat and being so mad at myself. I remember popping his hand for the first time b/c he was playing with an electrical outlet. I remember that hurting me more than him. I remember his first fall off the bed. I remember thinking it was the most horrific scream I’ve ever heard. I remember his first ear infection and his first ER visit. I remember his first little surgery and being so worried. I remember his ear tube surgery.
I know this isn’t all of it. I know this doesn’t even touch of my 24 years of memories, but it certainly is a start. I want to get this all down before one day I can’t. I have this huge fear that in my old age, I’ll lose my memories and that terrifies me. I want my son and future children to know my memories of my life and theirs. I want to never forget and always remember.

So very tired.

Dawson woke up last night from a great sleep into a sudden screaming, crying, only wanting to be held mess. This lasted for 2 hours. I’m talking only wanted to be held while I was standing up, no sitting down, no laying down in bed, no nothing but holding him and swaying back and forth. When he finally let me lay down in the bed at 2:30 this morning, he literally laid on top of me until he fell back asleep and then I gently rolled him off of me to sleep beside me, making sure I was still touching him so he would feel comforted. It’s so hard to know what’s wrong when they are this little. At first I thought it was his ears, but he wasn’t messing with them and when I asked him if they hurt he said no…and he’s just finishing up ten days worth of antibiotics for an ear infection…he did keep rubbing the side of the back of his head (does that make sense, like behind his ear). At first I thought it was itchy and he was scratching it, but now I’m wondering if he had a headache? I don’t know if he did or didn’t, but I stayed home with him a couple of hours this morning and he seemed okay. If he does this again, it’s off to the doctor we’ll go. Oh, and to top it all off, he’s decided he no longer wants to take meds…I mean no meds. He spits them all out even with the tricks of blowing in his face right after giving him the meds, giving tiny doses in the side and back of his cheek….the only thing that works is sneaking it into some sort of liquid which is okay for antibiotics or Zyrtec, but I can’t do that with Tylenol or motrin b/c I need him to drink all of the liquid to make sure he took it all. Frustrating. Super Frustrating.
What else is frustrating me these days…a lot of family drama. Not my family (as in Daniel, Dawson, and me) but as in my mom, step dad and sisters. Oh well, you certainly don’t have the option to pick your family.
On a brighter note, we’re going camping labor day weekend and I CAN’T WAIT!! I’m so excited! It’s amazing how much I’ve changed in the last couple of years. I used to DREAD camping trips with the bugs, shower houses, etc….now I love them. LOVE LOVE LOVE them. And I have a feeling I will only love them more as my child(ren) grow up.

Today is a day to remember

Today is a day of rememberance A chance for those who have suffered a loss to grieve and hope.

Miscarriages are such a taboo subject. Many women we know have suffered them. Many of us have suffered one or two (or more) and yet it’s not something we talk about. It’s like a silent secret bond that women share. That’s so wrong.
The moment I became pregnant for the first time, all of my dreams changed. Literally, I saw two lines and the word pregnant and my heart skipped a beat and I started planning this new life for myself. My new life was complete with this wonderful happy baby and a mommy who couldn’t imagine loving anyone or anything any more. I did get my baby, but it wasn’t a result from my first pregnancy.
Before I was pregnant with Dawson (found out in April of 2008) I experienced an incredibly painful (emotionally) day in February. One that started with a lot of blood, some blood clots, a trip to the OBGYN and an Ultrasound that revealed an empty uterus. I was pregnant and now I wasn’t. It was that simple and yet that complex. It hurt. God, it hurt. I longed for this baby. I wanted this baby. And now I was empty. I was sobbing and yet I was all cried out. I stayed in bed all day. I longed to go back to the day before when everything was okay.
I immediately started trying again…and fortunately we got pregnant in March with Dawson, but I never fully let myself enjoy my pregnancy. I was terrified that I would lose this baby too. And even though I only spent a few short days with the first pregnancy baby, I still loved and wanted that baby. I love Dawson. I love Dawson with my whole heart and no one or nothing could replace him, but sometimes I wonder what that first pregnancy would have yielded. A boy? A girl? Green Eyes? Blue Eyes?
I’ve coped and certainly don’t feel that pain anymore and I’ll even dare to say that I’ve moved on, but I certainly haven’t forgotten how much it hurt to lose that little baby. Today is a day to remember.

Profoundness

I’ve been wanting to write something profound…and well, I’ve got nothing. So I’m going to give you a list of things that I’ve realized and hopefully I can help make your life a little easier!


1. When you’re out of bandaids a new pair of shoes is giving you blisters, masking tape works just as well!

2. Crest White strips are MUCH easier to put on when looking in a mirror.

3. It sucks, like really bad, when you run out of dog food and don’t realize til 9PM. I suggest not doing this and replacing your dog food when it gets low.

4. Children will throw whatever they can in the dog’s water bowl. Be prepared for a mess.

5. When scabs are picked they bleed. Usually the bigger the scab is, the more it bleeds…but not always. Pick cautiously!

6. Strawberries are DELCIOUS especially for desert following a meal of also delicious cauliflower, carrots, mac and cheese, and broccoli.

7. There is very little that is as exciting as picking your child up when you’ve been away from them all day.

8. Men are more likely to do what you want when you refuse to give them any and give them the silent treatment.

9. If your husband has his eye on an older restored camaro, chances are when he goes to the credit union, he’s not just checking his balance, he may be taking out another loan…and he may not have discussed it with you.

10. You may have to throw a freaking fit to remind your husband that we don’t make large purchases without discussing it first and he’s NOT getting the camaro until I say it’s okay.

11. Your older sister may REALLY REALLY get on your nerves, but your sister is your sister and you should just love them despite all their flaws.

12. Camping is WAY more fun when you have kids. I can’t wait to go in a couple of weekends.

13. Lastly, if you drink a gazillion tall cold glasses of water, you will have to pee a gazillion times a day. Like at least 4 times an hour.

One of those nights

Last night, was one of those nights. You know the kind. The kind where you're in the "just before a deep sleep, sleep state" most of the night. It's like I was sleeping, but still aware of everything going on around me. The dog licking his paws, Daniel's heavy breathing, Dawson's light snores, and my mind just wouldn't shut off. Finally at 4 I went and climbed into bed with Dawson thinking that maybe I'd sleep better if I were in a different bed.

Let me back up. When D climbed out of the crib  at 16 months we tried the toddler bed for 2 nights. It was NOT successful, and if you know anything about D's sleep habits before 16 months, you know that we were still getting 3 or 4 times a night and I was getting maybe 5 hours of interrupted sleep each night. It was not good. So I said, fine, no toddler bed, I'll go ahead and bring his double mattress and box springs in his room. So we went and got his mattress and box springs, set them up on the floor in his room. Bought him some Mater (from Cars, his FAVORITE) pillow cases and blanket and we've had sleep success ever since. He was still getting up once a night in most cases, but he pretty much sleeps a solid 11 or 12 hours a night now. 8PM-8AM on the weekends 8-7 on the weekdays. I have my sanity back and it's amazing.

Anyway, instead of bringing Dawson into my bed, anytime he cries out or needs something, I'll lay down with him in his bed and comfort him or fall asleep with him in his room. I must admit this now, my "I'll never" moment when I was pregnant was that "I'll never put the baby in my bed or sleep with him" well that went out the window as soon as I realized that D being in the bed with me gave me a little bit of extra sleep. Now I miss him. I know he needs his own space, but I honestly miss cosleeping with him and sometimes I'll climb in his bed just to be close to him. And, I will most definitely 100% co sleep with our next baby from day one. Safely, of course with baby in the assigned co sleeper and me in the bed. Isn't it amazing how we, as parents, can go from one extreme to the next? Something I swore up and down I'd never do is the one thing that I absolutely LOVE.

What was the one thing you swore you'd never do as a parent and you've actually ended up doing?

They just grow up too fast.

My kid loves the outdoors. The mud, the heat, the grass, all of it. This smile proves it!

We all have one. Right?

When Dawson was born I became this sappy, love song singing, love movie crying, disney movie sobbing mommy. I love that about me. I've always been emotional, but now, those things that once didn't affect me, have now become some of the sweetest, saddest, most amazing moments. You know what I'm talking about. Little Foot's mom dies in the Land Before Time and I used to cry, but now I lose it, like full blown sobs. Same with Bambi's mom. Songs, make me cry rivers. And I have one song, that is so special to me because it's exactly how I feel about my son. I sing it to Dawson ALL THE TIME and he looks at my like I'm crazy, but whatever :)

If you didn't know, Edwin McCain is from Greenville, SC. Greenville is where I work and I live just outside of Greenville. I was raised in Greenville County. And I think he's pretty amazing, but this song is even more amazing.

And I've got to tell you, Sara Evan's version doesn't do it for me. It's gotta be this version. I can't wait to dance with my son at his wedding to this song. (yes, I know he's only 19 months old.)

Picture Heavy Post-Vacation 2010

We went to Tybee Island, GA for our week long vacation this year and we had a blast! Lots of relaxing and even a dolphin tour! It was tons of fun and D LOVED the beach. Clearly I can't post all 200 pictures I took, but here's some!
Daddy is the one with the tattoos and "LUNCLE" is Uncle Adam, Dada's brother.

The link to the blog that I referenced

Many people wanted the link to the blog title that I referenced in my last post. Here it is. Now, this isn't the first time I've complained that I've noticed, first hand, that moms of boys are treated differently than moms of girls. Of course, most women want a girl to buy girly things for, but honestly, that is truly the only reason I can see that a girl would be more desired than a boy. I mean, I totally fell in love with a pink bubble suit the other day at a consignment shop, BUT that doesn't mean that I value my son any less b/c he can't wear it! I mean I guess he could, but I'd rather he didn't. Secondly, I'm constantly hearing "oh you should have a little girl now" well honestly, I'd take another one just like my first or I'd take a girl. I have a 50/50 chance of receiving either, so I better not get my heart set on anything!

Now, moving on. I'm pretty sure my (almost) 19 month old has hit terrible twos early. He used to listen SO WELL to me when I would tell him no. Now, he tests me daily. He'll go to something he knows he's not supposed to mess with and stare at it and move really slow to touch it to see if I'm going to stop him. I once upon a time could just tell him no, but now I have to physically remove him from the temptation. It's driving me nuts! and he's all over the place. We went to the doctor the other day and talk about ants in the pants, he just flat out couldn't sit still or stay in one place. This is all new to me. He's still wonderful and very well behaved, but he's certainly gaining independence! I love it!

I just read a blog post that said "are moms of boys(only) considered real mothers?" WHAT??

Your first memory of magic?

Kris at pretty all true, who is amazing by the way, wrote an awe-capturing post regarding alchemy. Or experiencing magic when it's least expected. It made me think. When did you experience magic? When did something so seemingly ordinary hit you in such a way that it was the best moment you had ever had? I have a few memories of this from when I was child. But, mostly, I don't remember THAT much from my childhood. I'm not really sure why. I know I had good times and bad times. I know that I had bright cheerful days and I know that I had dark scary times. I know that I knew too much as a child, and I know that sometimes I didn't know what I thought I knew. But back to magic. I'm pretty sure my first time water skiing (successfully) was magical. It was amazing to not be scared of the water or what was in the water. It was amazing to by flying through air and walking on water at the same time. I haven't watered skiied in years, I mean years and years. I think I'm too scared on the uknowing creatures under the lake water. I mean what if the alligators that everyone swears don't exist, find me...or the water mocassins that definitely do exist.

I remember magic happening at the beach. My sister and I playing in the ocean (again, I don't get in the ocean. I know for sure that there's some scary ass creatures in there) when I wasn't scared of it. Magic happened at amusement parks. Magic happened in my own back yard. Magic happened when I dated my husband. And Magic certainly happened the moment I met D. Magic happens daily with him. When he discovers something new or learns how to do something. I love watching his face light up with delight and excitement and pride.

If the whole world had to learn this lesson, this way, it'd be a better world!

(Warning, some offensive language with one hell of meaning.)

Could this happen to you?

I never understood how this could happen. How could a parent, EVER, leave their child in the car and totally forget about them....I never got it. And then I became a very busy, very distracted working mother of a toddler. A toddler that frequently falls asleep in the car. A toddler that is an extended rear facing toddler. and I get it now. I've never left D in the car. I've never "forgotten" he was there, but I completely understand how this happens and I cannot even imagine the guilt and the fury that a parent responsible for this type of accident could feel. I used to think that parents that did this, on accident, should be punished to the full extent of the law. Now, I wonder how parents that do this don't commit suicide. I literally have made 3 habits since D was born to avoid this. One, the car is not a place that I allow stressors to take place. When I'm in the car, I focus on what I'm doing and where I'm going. Secondly, I always always always check in the backseat before I get out of the car. Even when D isn't with me. Lastly, I always leave something of D's in the front seat. A diaper, his bag, his shoes, something. Do I think this could happen to me? Sure, if the circumstances were right, the stress was there, and my mind was somewhere else, I definitely believe this could happen to me. Will I take every step I can to avoid this. You bet your sweet rear end that I will. See, we as parents, we all take precautions. We use baby gates to avoid a child falling down the stairs. We test food temparture. We have thermometers and tylenol for unexpected fever, we check for cuts, bruises, and splinters at bath time. Why wouldn't we take precautions against something so tragic even when we "know" it won't happen to us? B/C it could happen to us. We are not immune to our brains functioning. We are not bad parents, but we are human.

Please remember to take steps to stopping this from happening to you. Even though you think that it never could.

How do you parent?

Are you crunchy? Are you smooth? Are you over-protective, under-protective, or just right?


My step dad says I’m over-protective, my mother in law may feel that I’m under-protective, but the truth is, I follow my heart in my parenting. Let me tell you; whoever said that having a child is letting your heart walk on the outside of your body (or some variation of that) was so right. It is. I’m petite girl, so my son who is only 28 inches shorter than I am (I’m 5’1, he’s 33 and ¾ inches!!) is my little heart. Good Lord, I love that child and I protect that child and I’d protect that child if it meant giving my own life. Fortunately I haven’t had to do that just yet, but I would without thinking about it. So I don’t let my child jump in the pool I get in with him and hold him or the float he’s in. I don’t let my child ride in the back of the power wheel’s dump truck that my 2 year old nephew is driving unless I’m walking briskly behind said dump truck to catch him if he falls out, and I don’t let my kid go to the top of his swing set without me since it has two holes and I can only watch one of them and he could fall like 6 feet to the ground. But, I do let my child explore, climb, jump, run, and play hard. I mean exhaustingly hard, I’m just there at any given moment to pick him up when he scrapes his knee, to brush his dirty hands off, or to tell him he’s okay and to walk it off when he bumps his head. Does that make me over-protective or under-protective…I don’t think so. I think that makes me hands- on mom. We spend more time outside than we do in. He doesn’t watch TV b/c the moment the sun is up, he wants to go “side” (outside) and play play play. So we do. We play play play from the moment he’s up (on the weekends) and on the weeknights we play from the moment we get home from work and school. Of course he plays all day at school minus the naptime.

I believe, whole heartedly believe that in order to parent effectively, you must follow your instincts and your heart. We are all different. We will all parent differently, we will all make different choices, but in the end I have to be proud of the parent that I am and I have to choose to not care about the criticisms I may face or the way that Sally Sue may have parented her child. So far, I’m very proud of my son. He’s THRIVING. Learning daily, growing beautifully. Even if he’s tall and skinny!

School leads to Prescription Drug Topic

So far I've strayed away from talking about school much b/c honestly while it's a huge priority for me, it's going very well and it doesn't consume my thoughts. However, currently my class is discussing prescription drug costs, specifically for the elderly. Well I've ranted before about this topic, but I feel the need to do so again.

We all know I'm generally pretty liberal in my thinking. With the exception of how I feel regarding abortions and the fact that I'm voting for a female republican for my state's Governor, you might could describe me as a democrat. Yes, I voted for Obama, and yes I still support that decision.

That's not the point of this...the point of this rant is how absolutely disgusted I am with this nation over the cost of prescriptions. I mean to the point of vomitting and if I could talk Daniel into it, moving to Canada. It's beyond absurd to me that we have people daily skipping out on paying their mortgage to buy prescription drugs. No one should have to choose their drugs over their home!! Drugs that save lives should be a free and clear right. If you can't refuse to treat me at a hospital, you shouldn't be able to refuse to give me my necessary prescriptions based on my ability or lack thereof to pay. Personally, I'm outraged that my monthly anti-depressant drug costs me $35.00 to live a quality life. Some would argue that this isn't a life saving drug, however, I disagree. Without it, I certainly could find myself suicidal. Thankfully I can afford it, but what about those that can't. Secondly, I pay 45.00 dollars every 3 months for my birth control, I'm okay with this b/c I use it solely as a contraception and I'd prefer to spend this than buy condoms. See the difference? However, what about those with serious illnesses like diabetes, heart disease, clotting disorders, stroke sufferers, paralysis, etc etc etc?? I'm disgusted USA, I'm fed up and I'm furious. FIX IT!!!! We must treat everyone like their life matters, not say sorry you're poor, you're going to die b/c you can't afford your meds....

Yes I know there are programs that will help people with this problem, but not all meds are covered and many people don't qualify based on "making too much" what is too much and what is too litte? A family of four that has an average income of 50,000 is probably living pay check to pay check and struggling some just like a single household person that makes 23,000. It's not about what you make anymore, it's about what you must spend. Mortgages, groceries, phone bills, power, water, those aren't luxuries and those bills can't be skipped. Prada bags and designer shoes are luxuries. Co pays, deductibles, co insurances, non covered charges...again not luxuries...aside from plastic surgery, I can't think of a single medical procedure that I would consider a luxury.

Death Rate HIgher for Babies born at home?

I was reading my local news and stumbled across this article. It basically says that more babies born at home die than babies born in the hospital. Okay, this sounds logical but it also goes against all the "crunchy" moms who say otherwise. What do you think? Would you ever plan a home birth? Have you had a home birth?

I've read countless birth stories, including many many home birth stories....If I honestly thought I could get through the pain of my insides being torn in half (that's what it felt like for my 3.5 hours of labor) I would consider it.. but in my opinion, the epidural was the greatest medical advance EVER...so without being ugly and mean, how do you feel about homebirth and this new study?

**I think I should clarify some things** When I was pregnant with Dawson there was no way in hell I would ever even think that a home birth was a smart idea. I thought it was absolutely stupid. Babies should be born in hospitals b/c "if" something happens. I still feel that the absolute safest place to give birth is in a hospital with a NICU available for complications that may arise. However, I can totally understand why someone would homebirth now. How wonderful to be in a place that you are comfortable without the risk of interventions and medical staff everywhere you look. I'm not saying that hospital births are unpleasant. I feel like I had the best birth experience ever, in a hospital, with an epidural. I don't think birth experiences can get any more wonderful than mine was, but after doing some studying and research I can understand why some women would prefer to be at home. I even can understand why some women would want to have an unassisted birth. I would never ever make the choice to do that, but I also wouldn't homebirth b/c I do feel that a hospital is a safer option.

I guess what is so wonderful about this is that at least there are options!

Heaven in a cup and baby names.

Does everyone have a chick fil a?? Seriously, if you do and you haven’t yet….you must get a fruit and yogurt parfait with cookie crumbs…it’s like a tiny piece of Heaven that you can eat with a spoon….it’s beyond good.


Now, let’s talk baby names. I’m a sucker for baby names. I’ve got serious baby fever and even though I’m so far from pregnant it’s not even funny, I’m still tossing baby names around b/c well I love them!!

My son’s full name is Dawson Lee and I want to find a name that I love as much as I love his.

My current favorites (as in if I were pregnant right now, it would be these first two names)

Sutton Cole


Amelia Kate

Harper

Wren (which I can’t use b/c I live in the “Wren” community

Anderson (also can’t use b/c I live really close to a city named Anderson)

Asher

Kensington (has been on my list for years!)

Ellory, Ellery (I’m not such of the spelling of this name. I love the name, but I don’t like any of the spellings)

Claire

Hannah

Hazel

Graham

Weston

Scarlett ( I LOVE this name, but would never use it b/c of the negative associations of sluttiness associated with it.)

Charlotte

Noah

What are your current favorites?

My biggest fear in life...

Dawson, I realize that if something happened to me, and I didn’t make it to watch you grow old…that you’re too young to have memories of me. This terrifies me. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears. Who would tell you how amazing you are, and how much I love you? Who would tell you that the moment you were born and the first time I held you that I knew what love at first sight was? Who would tell you that you are literally the reason I get up in the mornings and your smile and laugh keep me going even when life gets me down? You, Son, are my joy. I pray that I’m around to watch you grow into a gray haired old man. I pray that I meet your children and your grandchildren. I pray that you always know just how special and important you are. Never let anyone break you down. Never let anyone tell you that you aren’t worth every ounce of energy. Never let anyone make you feel less than. You are special and wonderful and amazing and smart. You will succeed in life. Never let anyone’s false definitions of success stand in your way. Success isn’t about what college you go to, or what job you have. It’s not about how much money you have in the bank. Success is about being happy and being surrounded by people that you love and that you love you. Unconditional love. Love with no boundaries and love with no stipulations. You, my beautiful son, are my heart. You have been from the moment you were born and you will always be. I love you. I love you more than I could ever express, and I hope that you never go one second thinking otherwise.


Love,

Mom

Just a bunch of randomness...

You may not realize, but today Dawson is 18 months old. That means he breathed his first breath 18 months ago!!! Seriously, guys, that means he's one year and 6 months old. My My My MY time has FLOWN right by. Yesterday we had his 18 month well check and he's 33 and 3/4 inches tall (93%) 23.10 lbs (25%) and his head was 18.5 inches (33%) so he's doing very well. He hasn't really gained any weight in 3 months, in fact he had, but two ear infections later he had lost some, but he's on the way back up. He's just tall and thin...but I think he's perfect and the Ped said he was too. He talks ALL the time. And the cutest thing ever is when you say "Dawson I love you" or "I love you" or "Dawson I love you to" he finishes the sentence by saying "pieces." His favorite words are "uh-oh", "oh-my" "oh-no" and "oh-lord" I know I shouldn't have taught my kid to use the Lord's name in vain...but seriously it's CUTE and well, it's not like he's cursing!

Speaking of 18 months, you may recall my many mentions of baby fever. Well I still have it, strong as ever. Daniel still says no more babies til Summer 2012. Which does mean in about 12 months we can start to try. In the mean time I'd love a surprise, but I've got 6 months worth of BCP already paid for so I'm not wasting it...and I do NOT want another winter baby....Spring/Summer would be PERFECT....Ideally, Late April-Early July. Can plan everything though...obviously since we didn't want a Christmas baby and we couldn't be any closer if we tried.

Daniel, Dawson, and I are going on a weekend getaway and can't figure out where we want to go. Any suggestions are welcome. Remember we're in Upstate South Carolina-we have tons of beaches in the Southern part of the state, but I'd kinda like to go somewhere I've never been.

Fed up.

Yesterday was my birthday. It was great! I had tons of family time and we cooked out and played by the pool all day. It was a really great day. and then, then I had to come back to work. Work sucks....no seriously, it sucks. I'm THIS close to just quitting. No back up job, forget that I'm the primary money maker just quit. I have to leave my crying child every morning so that I can come to work to be bored beyond belief and I just want to leave to go get him and spend the beautiful day outside teaching him about bugs and sunshine and dogs and leaves and SPF 75+. I just need a part time job, something that allows me to stay at home as much as possible, but still gets me out of the house and helps me make a little bit of extra money. Why is this becoming a reoccuring theme on my blog? Oh I know, b/c it's my hearts desire to stay at home and raise my baby(ies). Coming in, EVERY day, to a job that I hate (well not really hate, but don't really want to be at) sucks. You have no idea how hard it is for me to wake my sleeping boy every morning just so I can get him up to take him to daycare where he starts crying as soon as we pull in the parking lot. I'm done. D.O.N.E. I'd work at walmart partime at this point. I'm so done.

I just realized- I SURVIVED PPD. I rock. Hell yeah!! I didn't lose my mind permanently and I've never been happier. Thank God for chemical balances.

June 3rd, already?!? Wow...

We went camping over Memorial Day, and I don’t know if it was having 4 straight days off in a row or seeing my little man discover something so new and loving it as much as his Daddy does that was so amazing about it. I think it was a little mixture of both. If you know me, or have even been following me for a tiny amount of time, you probably think I’m not a camper. Well I wasn’t. I don’t mind dirt, in fact I love it, but I love being clean afterwards….so growing up I thought I could never be a camper b/c campers don’t get to shower and be clean…how wrong was I? First off all, the travel trailer is a wonderful invention. I sleep in a real bed and I have a toilet that works and a shower that works too. So now, especially with my little guy, I love camping. Daniel and I are looking into buying our own camper just as soon as the motorcycle is paid for. Speaking of paid for, our hot water heater sprung a massive leak. My garage definitely had a creek running through it last night. A creek of hot water, from my hot water heater…so yeah that’s getting fixed TODAY. Or I’m getting a new one TODAY due to the aforementioned love of cleanliness, I can’t live without hot water. So yeah, that was an unexpected expense. And as well all know, those really suck. What else is new? Well nothing really. We had the awesome camping trip…and oh. Yeah. Something. Is. New. Dawson’s in real daycare. We call it school, and he seems to like it mostly. He doesn’t like being dropped off and it ripped my heart out the first day, but then I picked him up and he was happy and playing. Then yesterday (2nd day) was sorta rough. He had his off and on moments, but my two biggest fears were that he wouldn’t nap or eat, and he’s done both really well both days. Today makes day 3 at daycare, and we’ll see how it went when I pick him up. Normally, I’ve called 3 times by now, but I’m trying to be a little bit better about calling all day long today. However, if I want to call, I will and they don’t care at all. They are an awesome group of ladies. Yesterday, when I picked him up, he was sitting in his teacher’s lap and I was so happy to see that. I was worried that he wouldn’t take to her since he’s funny with strangers, but he seems to like her pretty well. And he comes home talking about all the other children, so I think he must like them too. Especially the one girl in his class…(yes one girl out of 6 kids) Her name is Jaelyn, but they call her Jay Jay and he comes home Jay Jay this and Jay Jay that. I think he must have a crush. And of course MY child is NATURALLY the cutest child in the class so she must have a crush on him too….hehehe, wow crushes already!! And, I finally got the timeline from Daniel on when we can TTC again. This time next year, I’ll be in full on TTC mode. I’m REALLY REALLY hoping for an April-May 2012 baby.

I dropped D off for his first day of "school" it was gut wrenchingly difficult. I checked on him and he's fine. Me, not so much.

Is anyone else a complete sucker for a good birth story??

How do (did) you know when the right time for another baby is?

Preconceived notions

We all have them. We all make them. (Even when we don't want to. Even if we claim we don't. ) We, or at least I, am very aware of the first impression I give off. People who meet me for the first time, generally walk away and probably think this exact phrase "stuck up bitch." I'm not stuck up. I'm not really a bitch either. I can put my big girl britches on and make you feel about 2 cm's tall when necessary but I don't walk around in my bitch jeans all day, every day. I am however, shy, withdrawn, and socially awkward. Believe you me, when I'm with a group of people I know and love and am comfortable with, I can throw all caution to the wind...be myself and love every minute of the party or dinner, or whatever it is. I can make small talk when needed, but generally when I don't know you....I don't talk to you....and I have a hard time getting to know you.  99% of my blog readers have not met me in real life. That's okay. I love some of ya'll anyway! 45% of the blogs I read are of people that I have NO interest in meeting in real life. I read some blogs just so that I can click the x on my reader and think to myself "what the hell?" about their posts but that's how I get my kicks in life I guess :)

Normally I'm an EXCELLENT first impression maker and am spot on on what I think about people. If I think you're a conceited bitch, you probably are. If I think you're a total sweetheart, chances are that you fit that description to a t. I'm really good at doing this in reading other's blogs too. Let me tell you, I read some of the most awesome blogs of some of the most awesome people. People that I normally would never open up to or have anything in common with, but in our writing escapades, they are the popular crowd (well at least to me.) and when they don't blog for a while, I miss them.

Now, I faulter too. Sometimes I jump to conclusions about people and I shouldn't and I have been proven wrong before. Sometimes people are actually nice even though I originally thought that they are manipulative, mean, and spiteful. It's rare though.

Unfortunately my great skill of summing people up 30 seconds is also a huge personality flaw. I don't get to really know those people that I think suck and they don't get to know me. So, my reputation of stuck up bitch follows me and I lose the great opportunity to make a new friend.

Does anyone else do this, or is it just me? This is perfectly normal behavior right?

Anyway, the point of all of the above is b/c I'm going to give you some little known facts about me since most of you don't actually know me!

1. I love old Disney movies like Cinderella and the Lion King. I mean I like Cars and Toy Story (well the original toy story is kinda old now too) but there is nothing like Lady and the Tramp of the Little Mermaid to make me all nostalgic. I've spent far too much of my adult life prior to D watching these movies and I can't wait to share them with him.

2. I've never been to Disney World and I can't WAIT to go next year. We're taking the grandparents and I'm 99% sure this visit is more for me than Dawson, but I'm super super super excited about it.

3. I'm a full time mom, employee, and student. You didn't know the student part b/c I've never talked about it. Master's here I come. ( yes I put a lot on my plate and my husband think's i'm stupid for adding this in, but since January, I've been steadily working to finishing my next degree.)  I'm not even sure why. All of my future career choices can be obtained with all the education and experience I already have, but I wanted to do it so I did.

4. I am a licensed realtor and I've never sold a house. I got my license b/c it was 500.00 to take a 2 week class and I figured why not. Then the housing market crashed and I abandoned the idea. I was only 19, so whatever.

5. I bought my house at 19. Yep, I did. and I got married one month before I turned 20. And you know what, I don't regret a single minute of it. I moved out at 18 and never went back. Well I mean I've visited, but I've never lived at home again. I guess I've just always been older than I really am.

6. I don't talk about my family much. I don't know why. I think it's out of respect for their privacy. I mean some people don't want all their business out there. I do have two sisters though. And a mom and a stepdad. And a real dad that I haven't seen since my wedding since I put my stepdad in the program as my dad b/c my biological dad is a dick and doesn't deserve the title.

7. I'm the middle child. I'm also the most successful so far and the easiest to get along with.

8. I'm a girly girl at heart, but I can't afford to be too girly.  I mean I'm still a Ross, TJ Maxx, Home goods shopper! My favorite is pink. But I love to play in the dirt too. I mean I was a cheerleader and all, but my favorite past time is a big lifted truck and some mud to play in. I can't tell you the fun my husband, before he was my husband, and I had playing in the mud. One time we got stuck for 10 hours, but it was so worth it. You don't have memories like that from sitting at home watching tv.

9. I am a South Carolinian and I LOVE it. I love my state, the southern traditions, the way many of our towns give you a small town feel with southern charm and a cold glass of sweet tea. I don't like big cities and rarely do I visit Atlanta, Charlotte, or anywhere like that. I could never live in a place like that. ( I have a small tattoo of a palm tree and crescent moon, outlined in black, colored in pink. My mom hates it. Swore she wouldn't pay for college if I got it. I called her on the way, went by and showed her and I'm paying back my own college bills. It was worth it. You're only 18 once.

10. My dream house is an old plantation home with a wrap around porch and a yard big enough to have a reason to own a tractor. And a big red barn in the back full of hay...for no reason b/c I don't want any farm animals, but I love the idea of jumping from the loft in the barn to the hay and rolling around playing in it.

What about you? Anything you don't tell everyone? How do people perceive you the first time they meet you? Are you surprised about any of the above?

Monkey Joes and some random pictures.

Dawson went to a birthday party at an inflatable place, Monkey Joes. I didn't think he'd really like it b/c I figured he was too young. I was wrong! He LOVED it!!

Oh, and a picture from this past winter, Dawson's First snow!! (It's a big deal b/c we live in SC and we never get snow....we get ice...but rarely do we get a good snow. And a good snow here is 2 whole inches :) )

And lastly, D is an outside LOVER. We spend EVERY evening on the back porch swinging and playing....and eating popsicles or just crushed up ice b/c those are his favorite....and most of the time Grandma and Papa hang out with us too!!