It's ALWAYS something....

So this morning, Dawson had his 6 month check up from his 2nd set of ear tubes. We haven't had a SINGLE problem since we had this set put in and I was really hoping we were free and clear of ear issues. Since D has left daycare he seriously hasn't had so much as a cold. This is from the boy who literally had an ear infection weekly, always a cold, and pneumonia just last winter. The pneumonia was the deciding factor in me staying home. I couldn't allow my child to be that sick all the time. Let's not even talk about the terrifying febrile seizure we had from an ear infection last winter as well. So anyway, since he's been out of daycare and with these 2nd tubes we've been great. So today I expected to hear the all clear. Wrong.

The tube in the left ear has come out of place and has fallen behind the ear drum, which means ANOTHER surgery to remove it from that location because that's obviously not a good place for it to be. I know it's a simple surgery and won't take 5 minutes. That's not the point. The point is that my baby has to endure yet another heart breaking moment when they take him from my arms to go the operating room, be put to sleep again, and then wake up in a strange place with strange people. It just makes me sad to think about it. PLEASE let this be the last time.

How do teenagers do this?

I have a guilty pleasure...it's the 16 and pregnant and Teen Mom shows. I DVR them every week and watch them in my free time (hahahaha, like I have a lot of that) and I just sit and wonder...HOW in the world do these teens do it? I know how hard it is for me as a married mom with my own home and income and I still struggle sometimes. Some days being a mom is the hardest thing I could ever imagine and I am technically all grown up. I think it's wonderful that some of these moms become good moms and do their absolute best b/c that's all you can ask any mom to do...her very best.  (And I know that there are terrible moms in the world that are plenty old enough and just bad parents. )But I still wonder how they cope emotionally with the struggles of being a mom. I still struggle with those emotions sometimes. I think EVERY mom, regardless of age struggles with the pulls and emotional toll of being a mom.

Couple of updates- We decided against the minivan for now, but have decided to wait and see how things are when Allie gets here and if we need one, we'll absolutely get it without any thought.

I'll be 24 weeks pregnant on Friday...TWENTY FOUR WEEKS!!! That's SO crazy to me. I can't believe I only have 16 weeks left until I'm 40 weeks and that's if I make it that far. (for the record D was born at 40 weeks and 1 day) We've got a beach trip coming up soon and I'm SOOOO ready.

I think that's all for now!

TMI Warning: This is about sex.

I'm going to just put this out there because maybe I'm not the only one going through this right now and maybe someone can say something encouraging or just tell me that this is normal.

When I was pregnant with Dawson I did NOT want to have sex. I didn't feel sexy. I felt weird. There was a human being inside of me and the thought of anything else inside of me was well...less than stimulating. Then D was born and I didn't want to have sex because if I had 5 minutes to myself I NEEDED that 5 minutes to do something important, like sleep. Or eat. Or cry. Or take a shower. That's just the way life is when you have a newborn. Then when D didn't sleep until he was 2, the only thing I wanted to do while he was asleep was sleep. Hello, I worked full time, never got much sleep, and was flat out exhausted. Then D started sleeping. The thought of sex seemed a little more appealing and things got better in that department. Now I'm pregnant with Allie and was sick for 14 weeks (too sick to do anything that even sort of resembled sex) and now I'm big and she moves all the time and again sex to me is incredibly strange during pregnancy. ( I know it's ME. I know I'm the one that doesn't feel attractive or want to be touched or feel like my body is my own body) I don't sleep at night much because I can't get comfortable or have to pee or something...and I just feel terrible for my husband.

He doesn't understand any of this. He still tells me all the time how attracted to me he is. How much he likes my body when I'm pregnant, and how much he still wants me. But I'm just so not into it at all. I know this is just going to push him away. I already feel completely disconnected from him sometimes and here in the last week D hasn't been falling asleep until around 12:30 at night even though he's in bed at 10. Which means if I wait til he's asleep I'm up til 1 and exhausted. I could make the effort at 3 when I get up to pee but damn that's the last thing I feel like doing. Is there a solution to this other than just giving in to keep him happy even though it's the very last thing I feel like doing?

Minivan vs. SUV-HELP ME!!!

I currently drive a Tahoe. It's large, has seating for 7 and I never ever use the third row because it takes up all of my trunk space. Since it's just currently me, D and hubbie we have PLENTY of room in this SUV.  It's paid for, but it does have quite a few miles on it. It's mechanically sound and has never given me any problems.

We have recently stumbled across a 2005 Town and Country minivan limited (completely loaded with whatever you could think of) that we could basically trade out the tahoe for and still have a paid for car. ( I will NEVER have another car payment) but I'm struggling with driving a minivan. I KNOW that it's more practical with another baby on the way. I know that the stow n go would be awesome, the captain seats would be fantastic and having even more bells and whistles than I currrently have would be great too...but I'm seriously struggling with the idea. Is it because I'm in my mid 20's? Or b/c of the stigma, I don't know...but moms, SUV or minivan? Why or why not?

Some Fears.

It took me a while to get excited about Allie even though she was very planned and wanted. I was so worried something would be wrong and we wouldn't end this journey with her. That's still possible, but I'm very excited to meet her now. I still have some fears though. Like what's going to happen to the relationship with me and D? I mean he's my first born and we're so close that we might as well be attached at the hip. He was meant to be mine and I was meant to be his. Will he feel like he's losing out somehow? Will I love her as much as I love him? Will she feel left out? Will he?

I know these are all fears of second time moms. I know this because I've heard it from countless moms and I've heard that your heart just grows and you just all of sudden have double the amount of love. Well, what about time? I already feel so pressed for times sometimes that it's 11:00 at night before I know it. I know these are all logical fears and I know that it will work out but I do find myself worrying about these things.

It's late and I'm stressing.

I don't often focus on the negative in life because it's just too time consuming, energy eating and depressing...but sometimes late at night something hits me and I can't sleep until I figure stuff out. Tonight it's bills.

Anyone and everyone I've ever known has had some financial difficulties in their lives and I can fully attest to the claim that the more you make the more you spend because somehow, someway, I manage to be broke working full time and not working full time. It's just a vicious cycle. Sure, there's the money in savings that I don't want to touch, but I'm talking about bill money. Broke is just a part of my life right now...and tonight I'm stressing over medical bills from the past and upcoming. When I had D I was fortunate enough to be double covered and didn't have any medical bills. That's not the case this time. Since I'm not working full time my husband is carrying me on his insurance and his alone. I have no idea how I'm going to budget that bill into the monthly bill. And when I stress like this I start fine tooth combing every other bill we have. I'm always looking for ways to save, but you can't scrimp on the light and water bill! I know it's nothing to worry too much over, I'm just thankful to have a home I can afford and a car that's paid for, but it's the little things that manage to frustrate me and overwhelm me at times.

New Pictures of D!

I haven't posted any pictures of Dawson in a while so here's a couple from the last couple of months.

2.5 Year Olds can certainly be difficult

These days, D can be really hard. He's 2.5 (almost exactly) and definitely has a mind of his own. Sometimes he wants to do it all by himself and others he wants everything done for him. Most of the time his quirks don't bother me, but today my patience is thin and his energy and playing and roughhousing is driving me nuts. I love him. I love him more than life itself. I would never ever go back to life without him, but sometimes I know exactly why I worked full time for so long! Although I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything in the world, today I'm feeling the effects of needing a break. So tomorrow I will be doing just that. Taking a break. Some me time. I might even go get a pedicure...and if I wasn't pregnant I would definitely be following that up with a cocktail or two, but I might have to just settle for a smoothie!

Much overdo picture post!

Until about 5 minutes ago I hadn't taken a single  belly picture with this pregnancy, which is strange because I did weekly with Dawson. Either way here's some ultrasound pictures from our 21 week ultrasound and a belly picture from about 5 minutes ago!

23 weeks (almost)

So this Friday I will be 23 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby, first daughter...probably only daughter because I have zero desire to have more than 2 children....and I've really been neglecting this blog. But for good reason. I have a 2.5 year old that is way more fun to play with than be on the computer. I do want everyone to know that I'm still reading your blogs even though I'm likely not commenting.... (congratulations to Amy and C on the new babies!!)

Nothing new to report on any front here. D is wonderful, baby is growing beautifully, husband is great, and life is good. 4 months til we meet this baby girl!