I’ve briefly mentioned some of the negative from my childhood. Because, well there was some. But, it wasn’t all bad and there were PLENTY of good times and I certainly have some great memories, wonderful values and morals, and a lot of happiness too.
I’m from a smallish southern town stuck smack dab in the middle of two major cities (Atlanta and Charlotte). I’m from rows and rows of cornfields and an amazing downtown area. I’m from good ole’ southern charm and sweet tea with dinner. I’m from lifted trucks and a day spent four wheelin’ in the mud is the best kind of day. I’m from football is a way of life not a hobby. I’m from pecan pie just because. I’m from home made icecream, hand picked strawberries, and apple trees growing in the front yard. I’m from Christmas morning starting as EARLY as possible and a huge Christmas morning breakfast. I’m from stuck in the middle of two sisters. I’m from a mom that gets on my nerves but loves me to pieces. I’m from you do it because you want to. I’m from no one leaves the house until it’s clean on Saturday morning. I’m from French toast and sausage. I’m from GRITS with cheese and bacon. I’m from fried chicken (mine without bones, please), homemade mac and cheese, butter beans, sweet peas (Le Seur brand only) fried squash, and a million other Southern Comfort foods. I’m from greasy cheeseburgers and cook outs to celebrate everything. I’m from tractors and hayrides. I’m from festivals and fairs. I’m from not always a bright childhood, but not as bad as it could have been. I’m from unconditional love, even when it hurts.
I’m from married to my highschool sweetheart, bought a house at 19. I’m from knock down drag out fights to hardly even fuss anymore. I’m from if you go to bed angry you better make up first thing in the morning. I’m from wonderful in laws and an amazingly accepting extended family. I’m from being the best damn mother I can be because my child deserves it. I’m from playing outside til dark. I’m from bath time is for singing, playing, splashing, and dancing. I’m from collapsing on the sofa at the end of a long day. I’m from checking on my “buggy” everytime I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m from co sleeping, baby wearing, to co sleeping and baby carrying whenever he wants me to. I’m from spoiling my child like crazy and still finding a balance. I'm from rocking my child to sleep every single night until he flat out refuses to let me do so. I'm from won't let him cry because it hurts too much. I'm from pick him up and dust him off. I'm from scraped knees healed with kisses. I'm from nothing sweeter than my beautiful boy. I'm from can't WAIT for football, t-ball, and soccer, unless he wants to do something else and then I'm from that. I’m from unconditional love, even when it hurts.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thank you, Mama
So, all of last week D was sick. Nasty yucky phlegmy cough and crying and whining and not his self. Totally out of character. I take him to the doctor, they say he has a cold. This is Monday. Still sick Friday, I’ve missed 1.5 days of work already and Daniel has missed 1 day. Goes to school all day on Thursday. Still not great, but no fever, playing, close to himself. Then Friday, around lunch they call me and tell me he’s just not himself….really fussy, whining, etc. I go get him because I know he wants me and I want to be with him. Go back to the doctor where just 4 days ago his ears where great…one is now infected.
On the way back from the doctors office, D is just fussy and cranky and not himself. He’s playing with his toys and he drops one. I pick it up and throw over the car seat too him and out of nowhere my child goes “Thank you, Mama.” It was the best 3 word sentence I’ve ever heard. Not only is my child speaking well, he’s also polite!! I love it.
On the way back from the doctors office, D is just fussy and cranky and not himself. He’s playing with his toys and he drops one. I pick it up and throw over the car seat too him and out of nowhere my child goes “Thank you, Mama.” It was the best 3 word sentence I’ve ever heard. Not only is my child speaking well, he’s also polite!! I love it.
Monday, September 13, 2010
A melody of things....
Have you ever had something totally unexpected take you back to a completely gone and forgotten place? A song, a scent, a movie, a food, anything? I have. Last night a favorite blogger of mine wrote a post that took me back to a time in my life where I was super carefree, thought I was totally in love, and wildly passionate about a boy that I thought was going to be my forever. Good thing he wasn’t. Isn’t. Good thing. He would have ruined my life. I would have let him. Thank God for miracles that come in the form of love, compassion, and stability. My husband. Thank God for heart ache and reaching the breaking point. Thank God for walking away albeit later than I should have. Thank God for open arms, forgiveness, and a willingness to understand, trust, and love.
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made one single decision differently? If I hadn’t gone to the movies with a friend one night, I never would have fallen in love with my husband. I probably would be married now, but not to him. I have no idea what road my life would have taken, but I know where the road started to my current life.
I didn’t post about September 11th on Saturday. You all know my husband is a firefighter. You all know that means that what happened to those firefighters, paramedics, and police officers in 2001 weighs heavy on my heart. I haven’t forgotten. How could I? How could any of us? That could be my husband one day. Granted, we don’t have the metropolis of NYC, but he works for a large city department. He’s in tall buildings every day. I could lose him while he’s been a hero, easily. I don’t dwell on that. I prefer to think of him at work, doing his job. He’s passionate about it. I love that he loves his work. I love him. I trust him to take care of himself, but I also know him well enough to know that he’d give his own life to save another in a split second. Sometimes, if I’m being really honest, that’s hard to accept. For me, my family is number one. As selfish as it sounds, I doubt that I could give my own life to save another unless it was for my family. I can’t imagine giving up and risking being Dawson’s mother to save a complete stranger. That’s the difference in me and Daniel. That’s why I don’t work in that field.
You know what scares me? My child, the epitome of innocence and the embodiment of life…will be numbed to the evils of this world, just like we all are. We have seen some terrible terrible events in our lives. From school shootings, gang violence, terrorist attacks, to local murders…and most of us are numb to this. Of course it still evokes emotion, but we expect this. I hate to think that one day, my child, will expect this too. I wish he could stay pure from the evils of the world forever. I know he can’t….but I still wish he could.
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made one single decision differently? If I hadn’t gone to the movies with a friend one night, I never would have fallen in love with my husband. I probably would be married now, but not to him. I have no idea what road my life would have taken, but I know where the road started to my current life.
I didn’t post about September 11th on Saturday. You all know my husband is a firefighter. You all know that means that what happened to those firefighters, paramedics, and police officers in 2001 weighs heavy on my heart. I haven’t forgotten. How could I? How could any of us? That could be my husband one day. Granted, we don’t have the metropolis of NYC, but he works for a large city department. He’s in tall buildings every day. I could lose him while he’s been a hero, easily. I don’t dwell on that. I prefer to think of him at work, doing his job. He’s passionate about it. I love that he loves his work. I love him. I trust him to take care of himself, but I also know him well enough to know that he’d give his own life to save another in a split second. Sometimes, if I’m being really honest, that’s hard to accept. For me, my family is number one. As selfish as it sounds, I doubt that I could give my own life to save another unless it was for my family. I can’t imagine giving up and risking being Dawson’s mother to save a complete stranger. That’s the difference in me and Daniel. That’s why I don’t work in that field.
You know what scares me? My child, the epitome of innocence and the embodiment of life…will be numbed to the evils of this world, just like we all are. We have seen some terrible terrible events in our lives. From school shootings, gang violence, terrorist attacks, to local murders…and most of us are numb to this. Of course it still evokes emotion, but we expect this. I hate to think that one day, my child, will expect this too. I wish he could stay pure from the evils of the world forever. I know he can’t….but I still wish he could.
Friday, September 10, 2010
For anyone that may need to shoot me an email
So some people have let me know that they would like to send me an email for whatever reason (like making their blog private) or wanted to correspond with me off the blog.... my email is mivie0513 at yahoo dot com. Please feel free to shoot me an email whenever you want....and to the particular blogger that's going private...of course I want to keep reading, please add me to your list when you can :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
What you don't know.
My family=dysfunction. I don’t speak of my personal family life on my blog. It’s painful. It’s a LONG past, and frankly, I try to rise above it and move on from it daily. I’m not talking about my husband or my child or our life together…I’m talking about the family that raised me and the family that I lived with for my early part of life.
My mother-my mother is the strongest woman I know. She’s been through hell and back and is in the midst of the hardest fight of her life right now. I love my mother. But, she’s a workaholic who favors my niece over her other two grandchildren and who rarely if ever makes time to be a part of my adult life or my child’s life. If I want to see her or talk to her I have to make the effort. Frankly, I’m tired of making the effort. I can give and give, but I will never make my son give in order to win someone’s love. So I’m not giving anymore. I went a full month without calling my mom. I spoke to her twice because she called me about a work related question. (she’s an RN, and me being a coder, she had a coding question.) She’s also had a long history of failed relationships and has managed to marry every man she has dated. I’m honestly embarrassed to admit this but she’s on husband number 4.
My Father-My father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. When he and my mom divorced when I was barely 2, he’s been pretty nonexistent. I’ve seen or talked to him here and there, but nothing that ever lasted, and I’ve never called him Dad. I haven’t talked to him since my wedding in 2006. I have no desire to and unfortunately due to no relationship with him; I also have no relationship with my two half brothers (born to him and my step mother). I used to cry myself to sleep wondering why he didn’t love me or want me, but now I’m just bitter and angry and also I have no understanding of how someone couldn’t or wouldn’t love their child and want to be with them all the time. I’m a mother now and I know what it feels like to love your child. I can’t imagine not making every effort in the world to do that.
My older sister-She’s 29, has two children. A past full of drugs, stripping, and terrible decisions. She’s also severly ADD and bipolar and on no medication for either. She tries to be a good mom, but once her children are old enough to speak, she has very little patience for them and ends up doing more harm than good. She yells at them and jumps at every chance to not be with them. She experienced some terrible things in her childhood and has never moved past them. Fortunately, she is sober, but no one knows when that could change. I had custody of her daughter a few years ago and she’s stable enough to be with her mom now, but her mom treats her like a 17 year old and not a 7 year old. It’s going to be a rocky life for my niece and nephew and legally there is nothing that I can do about it. She’s brilliant and educated and unfortunately she just can’t pull it all together. I love her and talk to her multiple times a day but I can’t fix her so I just support her and help when I can.
My little sister-She’s almost 20 and sometimes she has the maturity level of a 12 year old…but I love her. And she’ll do great things with her life as long as she keeps her head on straight. She’s in school, doing well, and is on the right path. I just hope nothing knocks her off and I hope she gets out of my mom’s house ASAP.
My step-dad-When my mom met, dated, and married my step-dad I really thought things would turn out so well. He’s a good man, a strong worker, and a loving person. Or he was. I guess he’s always been an alcoholic, but it’s severe at this point and he’s severely depressed. My mom says he’s suicidal and she’s doing everything she can to help him, but sometimes, no ALWAYS people have to help themselves. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to drink himself to death and he’s done nothing in the last 3 years but cause pain, strife, stress, and worry. I don’t allow my child around him unless I’m there too because the situation can turn volatile at a moments’ notice. And it’s rare that he’s ever allowed around him. I don’t speak to him because I have nothing to say. I want him to get help and get the hell out of my mom’s house. I want my mom to face her demons and go back to the mom I knew when I was a small child.
I have no idea how I turned out the way that I did. Don’t think that I don’t have my flaws and didn’t make my mistakes because I do and did and still do, but I moved out at 18, went to school, got married, bought a house, and now I’m raising my family with the help of my amazing husband. I’ve stumbled….good God, I’ve stumbled. I stayed away from drugs, but I’ve drank and made bad decisions. I’ve almost ruined my marriage more than once. I’ve felt unworthy and I’ve lived through a severe post partum depression that I kept hidden to myself. I’ve wanted to die and I’ve begged to feel alive. I’ve climbed and clawed my way out of some of the worst situations, but I’m here…alive and thriving. That’s all we can do as people. Take what we’ve been given and live the best life that we can. I intend to do that…every minute of every day. After all, I have every reason to want to live an amazing life and he’s about 3 feet tall.
My mother-my mother is the strongest woman I know. She’s been through hell and back and is in the midst of the hardest fight of her life right now. I love my mother. But, she’s a workaholic who favors my niece over her other two grandchildren and who rarely if ever makes time to be a part of my adult life or my child’s life. If I want to see her or talk to her I have to make the effort. Frankly, I’m tired of making the effort. I can give and give, but I will never make my son give in order to win someone’s love. So I’m not giving anymore. I went a full month without calling my mom. I spoke to her twice because she called me about a work related question. (she’s an RN, and me being a coder, she had a coding question.) She’s also had a long history of failed relationships and has managed to marry every man she has dated. I’m honestly embarrassed to admit this but she’s on husband number 4.
My Father-My father is nothing more than a sperm donor to me. When he and my mom divorced when I was barely 2, he’s been pretty nonexistent. I’ve seen or talked to him here and there, but nothing that ever lasted, and I’ve never called him Dad. I haven’t talked to him since my wedding in 2006. I have no desire to and unfortunately due to no relationship with him; I also have no relationship with my two half brothers (born to him and my step mother). I used to cry myself to sleep wondering why he didn’t love me or want me, but now I’m just bitter and angry and also I have no understanding of how someone couldn’t or wouldn’t love their child and want to be with them all the time. I’m a mother now and I know what it feels like to love your child. I can’t imagine not making every effort in the world to do that.
My older sister-She’s 29, has two children. A past full of drugs, stripping, and terrible decisions. She’s also severly ADD and bipolar and on no medication for either. She tries to be a good mom, but once her children are old enough to speak, she has very little patience for them and ends up doing more harm than good. She yells at them and jumps at every chance to not be with them. She experienced some terrible things in her childhood and has never moved past them. Fortunately, she is sober, but no one knows when that could change. I had custody of her daughter a few years ago and she’s stable enough to be with her mom now, but her mom treats her like a 17 year old and not a 7 year old. It’s going to be a rocky life for my niece and nephew and legally there is nothing that I can do about it. She’s brilliant and educated and unfortunately she just can’t pull it all together. I love her and talk to her multiple times a day but I can’t fix her so I just support her and help when I can.
My little sister-She’s almost 20 and sometimes she has the maturity level of a 12 year old…but I love her. And she’ll do great things with her life as long as she keeps her head on straight. She’s in school, doing well, and is on the right path. I just hope nothing knocks her off and I hope she gets out of my mom’s house ASAP.
My step-dad-When my mom met, dated, and married my step-dad I really thought things would turn out so well. He’s a good man, a strong worker, and a loving person. Or he was. I guess he’s always been an alcoholic, but it’s severe at this point and he’s severely depressed. My mom says he’s suicidal and she’s doing everything she can to help him, but sometimes, no ALWAYS people have to help themselves. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to drink himself to death and he’s done nothing in the last 3 years but cause pain, strife, stress, and worry. I don’t allow my child around him unless I’m there too because the situation can turn volatile at a moments’ notice. And it’s rare that he’s ever allowed around him. I don’t speak to him because I have nothing to say. I want him to get help and get the hell out of my mom’s house. I want my mom to face her demons and go back to the mom I knew when I was a small child.
I have no idea how I turned out the way that I did. Don’t think that I don’t have my flaws and didn’t make my mistakes because I do and did and still do, but I moved out at 18, went to school, got married, bought a house, and now I’m raising my family with the help of my amazing husband. I’ve stumbled….good God, I’ve stumbled. I stayed away from drugs, but I’ve drank and made bad decisions. I’ve almost ruined my marriage more than once. I’ve felt unworthy and I’ve lived through a severe post partum depression that I kept hidden to myself. I’ve wanted to die and I’ve begged to feel alive. I’ve climbed and clawed my way out of some of the worst situations, but I’m here…alive and thriving. That’s all we can do as people. Take what we’ve been given and live the best life that we can. I intend to do that…every minute of every day. After all, I have every reason to want to live an amazing life and he’s about 3 feet tall.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Memorial Day weekend we kicked off the summer with a weekend camping trip. Labor Day weekend, we ended the summer with a camping trip. In the middle we had a Gatlinburg weekend trip complete with a visit to the aquarium and the new penguin exhibit as well as a Tybee Island weeklong vacation. This was really an amazing summer. My son, who last year, was barely crawling, ran and played and fell and scraped his knees, and bruised his legs, and loved EVERY. SINGLE. MINUTE. Of it. I can’t believe how different this summer was compared to last year. I can’t imagine how different next summer will be, and the next and the next. When people tell you that time flies when you have children…they are so telling the truth. Time does fly.
Now, we look forward to crisp mornings and evening, apple picking, pumpkin carving, candy eating, Halloween dressing, Thanksgiving, red and orange leaves, 2nd Birthdays and Christmas and then 2011. What an amazing time we have planned. Speaking of Halloween, I cannot decide what I want D to be for Halloween. I’ve been looking at costumes for months now. It’s getting frustrating!! Nothing seems to capture his cuteness just right.
Lastly, I’m a little sad. Sad that my baby boy is now a toddler boy. Sad that I desperately want to be pregnant again. I want to feel those little kicks and rolls. I want to have a baby belly. I want to wear maternity clothes. I want to be a mom of 2 babies. I don’t want to wait another minute. I’m sad because my husband doesn’t agree. He’s not ready. He says next year, but I don’t know if he’ll be ready then or not. The unknowingness of when our next child will happen is killing me. Seriously. If you know me, you know that patience is not my forte’. I understand his hesitance. I really do. I don’t want to force my older child to grow up too quickly b/c a new baby is coming, but I also remember that the first 6 months or so are pretty laid back with a baby. So, we'd all be hanging out watching our oldest keep growing up and watching our new one become a toddler. I can't wait. I can't wait to be a mother of 2. 2 boys. 1 boy, 1 girl....either/or. I just want it. Honestly? Toddler days are WAY more exhausting than any newborn-6 months time was. If Dawson had slept through the night before 16 months, our first year would have been a breeze. I think Daniel forgets that those first few months weren’t hard. They were actually considerably boring compared to one year and after. So, I guess….right now, we’ll wait.
Now, we look forward to crisp mornings and evening, apple picking, pumpkin carving, candy eating, Halloween dressing, Thanksgiving, red and orange leaves, 2nd Birthdays and Christmas and then 2011. What an amazing time we have planned. Speaking of Halloween, I cannot decide what I want D to be for Halloween. I’ve been looking at costumes for months now. It’s getting frustrating!! Nothing seems to capture his cuteness just right.
Lastly, I’m a little sad. Sad that my baby boy is now a toddler boy. Sad that I desperately want to be pregnant again. I want to feel those little kicks and rolls. I want to have a baby belly. I want to wear maternity clothes. I want to be a mom of 2 babies. I don’t want to wait another minute. I’m sad because my husband doesn’t agree. He’s not ready. He says next year, but I don’t know if he’ll be ready then or not. The unknowingness of when our next child will happen is killing me. Seriously. If you know me, you know that patience is not my forte’. I understand his hesitance. I really do. I don’t want to force my older child to grow up too quickly b/c a new baby is coming, but I also remember that the first 6 months or so are pretty laid back with a baby. So, we'd all be hanging out watching our oldest keep growing up and watching our new one become a toddler. I can't wait. I can't wait to be a mother of 2. 2 boys. 1 boy, 1 girl....either/or. I just want it. Honestly? Toddler days are WAY more exhausting than any newborn-6 months time was. If Dawson had slept through the night before 16 months, our first year would have been a breeze. I think Daniel forgets that those first few months weren’t hard. They were actually considerably boring compared to one year and after. So, I guess….right now, we’ll wait.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Well, Hello Sunshine
Dear Scootie (otherwise known as Dawson),
Today is the third day in a row that I have dropped you off from daycare and you haven’t cried. You’ve been going to this WONDERFUL place since 6/1/10. At the end of July I dropped you off on a Friday and you didn’t cry and then we went to the beach for a week and when we came back you started crying again. You’re a smart cookie and you think that crying for literally 60 seconds would make me not leave. Trust me son, some days it’s all I can do to leave you and go to work. I sure do miss you at work during the days, but it does give me a chance to refresh and be super excited to pick you up and spend the rest of the evening with you. You’re so much fun these days. You’ve always been wonderful but in the last 6 months you have learned so much and you honestly learn something new EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My heart jumps for joy every time I hear a new word or sentence (since you’re putting those together as of the last couple of weeks!!) or color or letter. You’ve got a few colors down and about 3 letters. This is a big deal!! I’m so proud of you. You are so smart and absolutely amazing. Your compassion is just as strong as your Dad’s. If the dog doesn’t have a full bowl of food you must fill it first thing. That’s the first thing you do when we come home. You run and check Simon’s food and water bowl and want them filled up immediately if they don’t meet your strict standards. You’ll tell me “more food” and “more water”. You are super loving. You love to be held and everyday you run up to me and throw your arms around my neck. I think my heart could burst when you do that. Even if I’ve had the worst day, you always know how to make it better. You literally amaze us every day with your wonderfulness. Keeping being you son. My boy with the pretty blue eyes. My heart and soul.
Today is the third day in a row that I have dropped you off from daycare and you haven’t cried. You’ve been going to this WONDERFUL place since 6/1/10. At the end of July I dropped you off on a Friday and you didn’t cry and then we went to the beach for a week and when we came back you started crying again. You’re a smart cookie and you think that crying for literally 60 seconds would make me not leave. Trust me son, some days it’s all I can do to leave you and go to work. I sure do miss you at work during the days, but it does give me a chance to refresh and be super excited to pick you up and spend the rest of the evening with you. You’re so much fun these days. You’ve always been wonderful but in the last 6 months you have learned so much and you honestly learn something new EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. My heart jumps for joy every time I hear a new word or sentence (since you’re putting those together as of the last couple of weeks!!) or color or letter. You’ve got a few colors down and about 3 letters. This is a big deal!! I’m so proud of you. You are so smart and absolutely amazing. Your compassion is just as strong as your Dad’s. If the dog doesn’t have a full bowl of food you must fill it first thing. That’s the first thing you do when we come home. You run and check Simon’s food and water bowl and want them filled up immediately if they don’t meet your strict standards. You’ll tell me “more food” and “more water”. You are super loving. You love to be held and everyday you run up to me and throw your arms around my neck. I think my heart could burst when you do that. Even if I’ve had the worst day, you always know how to make it better. You literally amaze us every day with your wonderfulness. Keeping being you son. My boy with the pretty blue eyes. My heart and soul.
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