On the line...

Tonight, I'm going to be talking about my last post. You know the one that said I have stopped my birth control and am letting things happen. So here, I'm laying it on the line...I'm scared shitless of having another child. I want another child. I want Dawson to have a sibling. I want him to have a sibling before he's too old to play with one. But, I'm honest to God terrified of another child. As most of you know, Dawson did not sleep well AT all for the first 18 months of his life and only very recently started sleeping through the night and it's certainly not every single night. What if my next child is like this? What if i spend the next 5 years running off of very little sleep again? And, I've only very recently been able to get a break at night before I go to bed to just breathe. I need that time to relax and unwind from the day and to let all of that go....again...freaks me out. What if the baby has colic? What if Dawson hates being a big brother? What if Dawson tries to hurt the baby? What if I don't love the baby as much as Dawson...and most importantly, what if my first born feels rejected and lonely because Mommy and Daddy are busy with a baby....

Logically, I shouldn't even worry about this. I'm not pregnant. I have no idea when I'll be pregnant it could be a year from now....but it's still super scary to think about. Going from no kids to one kid wasn't so scary. I had no expectations because I honestly didn't have a clue what to expect...and while learning was fun, I'm settled into a pretty good routine and now I'm going to let it get all unsettled again...am I really ready for this?

3 Years Ago...

So 3 years ago today, I signed up on Fertility Friend to track my cycles since my husband and I were actively trying to conceive. 12/17/07 was the first day of the first cycle I ever tracked. Today, 12/17/2010 is 3 years later and I have just logged into FF for the first time since April 2008. I'm tracking my cycles again, and found it oddly coincidental that exactly 3 years ago I started the adventure that led me to Dawson. Now here I am at the very beginning of another adventure. One that may lead to me to an entirely different child....a second child. I don't know if this is just a coincidence, but it's certainly has me thinking about fate and chances, etc.