Tonight, I'm going to be talking about my last post. You know the one that said I have stopped my birth control and am letting things happen. So here, I'm laying it on the line...I'm scared shitless of having another child. I want another child. I want Dawson to have a sibling. I want him to have a sibling before he's too old to play with one. But, I'm honest to God terrified of another child. As most of you know, Dawson did not sleep well AT all for the first 18 months of his life and only very recently started sleeping through the night and it's certainly not every single night. What if my next child is like this? What if i spend the next 5 years running off of very little sleep again? And, I've only very recently been able to get a break at night before I go to bed to just breathe. I need that time to relax and unwind from the day and to let all of that go....again...freaks me out. What if the baby has colic? What if Dawson hates being a big brother? What if Dawson tries to hurt the baby? What if I don't love the baby as much as Dawson...and most importantly, what if my first born feels rejected and lonely because Mommy and Daddy are busy with a baby....
Logically, I shouldn't even worry about this. I'm not pregnant. I have no idea when I'll be pregnant it could be a year from now....but it's still super scary to think about. Going from no kids to one kid wasn't so scary. I had no expectations because I honestly didn't have a clue what to expect...and while learning was fun, I'm settled into a pretty good routine and now I'm going to let it get all unsettled again...am I really ready for this?
6 comments:
Yea I think going from no kids to one kid is easier than one to two. Just because with one to two you have that added stress of the older one, and 2 year olds are already SUCH a hanful on their own. I was really, really, REALLY scared of having 2 kids throughout my whole pregnancy with Nash. Right up until the day he was born. He's a much harder baby than Adria ever was, and it is definitely taking a toll on me lately but I couldn't possibly imagine my life without him. It's hard, but definitely not for nothing.
Even if you're not ready now, or when you get your BFP, or even when you're almost due you will be ready as soon as you have that little baby in your arms. And he/she will be totally worth messing up your routine and getting unsettled for. Good Luck!
Totally normal to have all those reservations! You know I wasn't trying so when I got pregnant this time around, I had all that running through my head and I was freaking out! But all those fears subside.
The chances that you'll have another who sleeps that badly are slim, but if you do, so what? You'll survive because you're a STRONG woman and you survived it the first time! You would never look back on Dawson and think it wasn't worth it because he didn't sleep for 18 months. Same with this next baby. He or she may be colicky and never sleep and so on and so forth, but in time, none of it will matter and you won't regret it for a second! Good luck! I'm soooo excited for you!!!
The what ifs will drive you crazy! The good news is they say all children are different, so it's unlikely your next child will sleep as poorly as Dawson. And Dawson will be an awesome big brother because he's got an amazing mom that will teach him how! You're gonna be fine . . . Good luck!
To be honest I am scared I mean really scared too for all of those reasons and others (after Ella I developed extreme anxiety I mean EXTREME! and I don't want that again and I don't want to die and leave Ella...) Anyway I pushed them aside and jumped on the TTC wagon 10 months ago, the first 3 or so months I was still really scared, now now I think I can handle it but... there are days where I think wow maybe I can't. I really think the what ifs are worse than the actual expeirence!
Best of luck to you. You are such a great and strong mommy that it will all fall into place and you will have a beautiful family of 4 who all love each other!
This helped me when I felt that EXACT same way...
And...it's perfectly true...
LOVING TWO
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you.
I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again.
You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.
There are new times -- only now we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
---Author Unknown
This helped me when I felt that EXACT same way...
And...it's perfectly true...
LOVING TWO
I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder, how could I love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you.
I watch as the pain you feel at having to share me as you have never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me" and I hear myself telling you in mine "I can't".
Knowing in fact that I never can again.
You cry, I cry with you.
I almost see our baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just us two.
There are new times -- only now we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how she adores you, as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you, only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you both and I thank you both for blessing my life.
---Author Unknown
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