Today is a day of rememberance A chance for those who have suffered a loss to grieve and hope.
Miscarriages are such a taboo subject. Many women we know have suffered them. Many of us have suffered one or two (or more) and yet it’s not something we talk about. It’s like a silent secret bond that women share. That’s so wrong.
The moment I became pregnant for the first time, all of my dreams changed. Literally, I saw two lines and the word pregnant and my heart skipped a beat and I started planning this new life for myself. My new life was complete with this wonderful happy baby and a mommy who couldn’t imagine loving anyone or anything any more. I did get my baby, but it wasn’t a result from my first pregnancy.
Before I was pregnant with Dawson (found out in April of 2008) I experienced an incredibly painful (emotionally) day in February. One that started with a lot of blood, some blood clots, a trip to the OBGYN and an Ultrasound that revealed an empty uterus. I was pregnant and now I wasn’t. It was that simple and yet that complex. It hurt. God, it hurt. I longed for this baby. I wanted this baby. And now I was empty. I was sobbing and yet I was all cried out. I stayed in bed all day. I longed to go back to the day before when everything was okay.
I immediately started trying again…and fortunately we got pregnant in March with Dawson, but I never fully let myself enjoy my pregnancy. I was terrified that I would lose this baby too. And even though I only spent a few short days with the first pregnancy baby, I still loved and wanted that baby. I love Dawson. I love Dawson with my whole heart and no one or nothing could replace him, but sometimes I wonder what that first pregnancy would have yielded. A boy? A girl? Green Eyes? Blue Eyes?
I’ve coped and certainly don’t feel that pain anymore and I’ll even dare to say that I’ve moved on, but I certainly haven’t forgotten how much it hurt to lose that little baby. Today is a day to remember.
7 comments:
*HUGS* I lost my third (4th pregnancy) just 2 months ago and it hurt a lot, and still does. It's a pain that doesn't really dull or go away, we just learn how to live our life with it. So sorry for your loss.
Mandie.. I know this is going to seem totally off, but... I am a constant reader of your blog but very seldom post comments. I always used your blog to link to many other SM bloggers. I had a panic moment this morning when I logged on andyour page had changed. Is there any way you could get me the links to the blogs you had on here. I guess I should have saved them in my favs and never did. If you would rather e-mail them to me, please feel free to do so at my g-mail address. I'm bummed I'm going to miss out on keeping up with some of the girls becuase of my own stupidity!
Amy, I'm so sorry for your losses. I knew about the previous ones, but I had no idea about this latest. You and your family are in my prayers.
Misty, I didn't realize anyone uses those links! So sorry, I'll put them back up :)
Thank you thank you Mandie... I remeber on the EC when you and Jenna were going through miscarriages and just couldn't imaging losing something that your tried so hard to conceive. I had a car accident at 7 weeks pregnant with Addisyn and I remember jsut crying through the US and PRAYING that my little bean would be OK.
I know that you can NEVER truly get over the pain of a loss, but hopefully little Dawson makes life worth every heartbreak that you went through.
**hugs**...when I explained to a nurse some pain/clotting I had had last Sept. and explained I truly felt I had a chemical pregnancy she said "oh that's no big deal." Really? No big deal? I cried for days realizing I lost a child. When I said "so I did have a miscarriage?" her response was "well, sort of." Thank you for this post. Glad I have good company in the boat I'm in. It truly still is not something I've told many people...maybe 3 or 4. But I'm learning to talk about it and realize, I'm stronger because of it. And lucky to have Jake. Thanks Mandie!
Kate, I'm sorry for your loss as well. I feel for any woman who knows this kind of pain. Its legitimate pain and certainly should be treated as such.
I have never felt this particular pain.
But I can feel the pain in your words.
And the love.
Cherish both of those emotions.
Love to you.
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