Monday, April 12, 2010
do you think before you speak (type?)
I inadvertently offended a fellow blogger today bc I typed out a comment to her post exactly as I was thinking it. I gave no thought to my typing bc it was afterall my raw response to her post. This is how I generally respond to people in real life. I have a tendency to speak then think as I process the information further. In real life I'm very shy and social situations throw me into a tizzy. I'm the wife that doesn't want to double date if I don't know you bc I'm sure you're prettier than me, nicer than me. And smarter than me. And I'm certain you won't like me. I'm terrified of my husband walking off and leaving me with strangers as I come across as bitchy and arrogant simply bc I'm really and honest to goodness terrified to talk to you. I have gone into hysterics many times due to my social anxiety and my husband has about walked out on me for it. Although I hate not being part of a group, I don't know how to fix it. I've just accepted that as an adult ill never be accepted and people just don't really like me. With the exception of a few people I'm not close to that many people and I struggle often with the fact that my career has more people intimidated by me in my office than wanting to get to know me. I'm not skinny enough or rich enough or exciting enough to be part of any groups. Take my messageboard for example, I've totally pulled away from that bc I don't consider myself important enough to contribute anything to it. I'm just a middle class working mom. My husband is a boring firefighter. I don't come from money. I certainly didn't marry into money. I'm not a stay at home mom bc I flat out can't afford it. I don't cook from scratch. I don't cook organic or make my own soap. I'm not a size 0 although I'd kill to be. I'm pretty but I'm not stunning. I'm nice but I cover it up with a tough don't want to be friends with you exterior bc you won't like me anyway attitude. I don't censor myself bc I already know that you don't like me so what's the point. I've got some serious soul searching to do. Its not okay for me to hurt your feelings bc deep inside I think the whole world hates me and wants to see me fail. Its not okay for me to not want to be friends with you bc you're 115 lbs and I'm not. I swear this stems from middle school when you had to be this person or you flat out had a miserable life. Now I'm scared to get to know anyone bc ill never be that person. Sure I can fake it but when it comes down to it I'm a jeans and t shirt kinda girl with simple taste who struggles financially sometimes, emotionally mostly, and who really just wants a good strong set of married mom friends. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and know that its okay to just be me and not the pretty one or the skinny one or the fashionista. I just want to really know that its okay to walk around in jeans, flip flops, t shirt, no make up, hair in a pony tail, and eat a piece of chocolate cake if I want to. Who am I wasting my life trying to be? And for the blogger's feelings that I hurt, I'm sorry!!! I should not take out my insecurities in you!
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13 comments:
Oh Mandie- I could have written this. I totally get it. We all don't need to be the same crunchy mamas and lord knows we don't need to be 100 lbs to be awesome women. I recently had my review at work and I was commended on my ability to "deliver the tough message and have an unpopular opinion". It sucks to be the one who is depended upon to "deliver the tough message" it doesn't feel good to be the one with the unpopular opinion. I kind of hate being out there on a limb all the time but I guess that's me.
Hi there! I don't post often but I read your blog frequently. I was sort of a lurker on the December board. Anyway, i could have written your post myself as well. I also kind of felt like on outsider on the board...I think you and are both from small towns where things are just "different" than these people from bigger cities. I really don't know you all that well other than through your posts on ivillage and your blog...but i think we are very similar. I'm actually from a small town in Virginia. Here we live out in the country where there isn't much to do but go hang out with friends. we wear flip flops, drink sweet tea, sit on the porch, cook on the grill, go fishing, etc. Southern charm I guess you call it : ) Anyway, I think I can relate to what you say the easiest. I too am in the same boat with the social anxiety and it seems when you live in the country it is SO difficult to find other mom's to hang out with. Where I live, there are NO playgroups, MOPS, or anything like that so getting out and meeting other mom's is difficult...however, I'm not sure I could do that anyway because of the anxiety. Anyway, I don't know if any of this made sense, but I just wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you are feeling and can relate to you. I'm not 115 pounds, not even 130 (but would love to be haha) I'm the flip flop tank top jeans kind of girl that you are & also come across as snobby or "bitchy" just because I'm shy. Hugs girlie!!!
I feel like I could have written this post exactly! I am the Jeans and T-Shirt kind of gal and I only have a select few close friends and feel like the rest of the world hates me. I am way over weight and although i would like to change it, I certainly don't let it define me or worry about it. I never wear make up unless we have a really formal function to go to, and my hair is in a ponytail 90% of the time, especially at work. My coworkers have decided the dislike me enough they want to try to get me in trouble because I won't do things the wrong way! You are so not a lone and I'd be glad to chat with you and be one of your "mom friends!" And I promise I won't judge you, talk about you behind your back or back stab you!
Thanks you guys!! It is so nice to know other people feel this way and yes K small town country girl here too! I love that part of my heritage I just wish the pressure to change and fit in wasn't there, you know!
Mandie! I'm pretty sure there are a lot of people who feel the same way you do. I quit going to the board a long time ago, relying on facebook and blogs to keep up with the people I felt a connection to. I didn't think I was cool or witty enough to contribute and felt lame.
I do live in a city with playgroups but I am terrified to even try one out because the thought of walking into a group of women that i probably have nothing in common with terrifies me. I have found myself scoping out mommy groups at a couple of playgrounds/museums and thinking "oh, they seem cool. I could have something in common with them."
I hate it when my husband leaves me at a party to go to the bathroom or to get a drink. I usually try to find something else to do.
The truth is, once you get to a certain age, making friends is really hard. You have figured out who you are and you're not willing to compromise yourself to fit in. I think that makes it harder to make connections with people. But better because when you do, that bond is stronger.
Oh, and I put on makeup yesterday and blow dried my hair for the first time in like a month. I live in t-shirts, jeans, flip-flops and shorts. I have been known to tell my husband to choose a restaurant that wouldn't require me to change out of said jeans/flops and t-shirt. :-) Chin up and if you ever speak your mind on my blog, don't worry..i'm not easily offended so say what you're thinking!!!
The reason your response to my blog offended me was because it was a sensitive subject that I have never talked about in a public forum before. My intention in writing that blog was so that it could help other people who feel similarly and either didn't know what it was called, or felt like they were alone. I was not asking for advice or opinions, especially negative ones. I know you did not mean it to be offensive, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't. I accept your apology and thank you for your opinion, but I do think that next time you should think about what you say when dealing with sensitive subject matter.
Awww, Mandie! :(
I think we (obviously) all can relate! I think it's just how girls operate. We never feel pretty enough or witty enough or sexy enough. But girrrrrl, you are! ;)
And PS - We miss you 'round the board!
I know what you mean about saying what you think before thinking about the repercussions. I did that not too long ago and lost a LOT of friends because of it (which just went to show me they weren't really friends with they weren't willing to accept my apology). All you can do in these situations is give an honest apology. Real friends will accept it, and the ones who aren't real friends aren't a real loss either. You're not a bad person for being who you are. I like you just the way you are and we barely speak and met before you even got pregnant on a message board that neither of us post to anymore you know? I'm sure a lot more people like you then you think and are much more understanding then you think.
Mandie,
I too could have written your post. You don't know me, but I became a Mandie Fan from the TTC board before you even got your BFP. I was huge lurker on that board and have since followed you and Jenna and Christina through the Dec expecting board, I promise not in the creepie stocker way. My point is that you are important. More important than you realize. People do sincerely care about what you have to say, even if it's a bit honest. Be who YOU are for you. How boring it would be to be like everyone else!
Mandie- I have to say first that I agree 100% with what you said. That being said I saw you as a girl that I would never have been whitty enough, skinny enough or cool enough to converse with. I think that instead we are both coming from the same place and probably would have gotten along very well, if we had given ourselves the chance. Now the board is dead and I don't even have posts to lurk into from time to time, so I have taken up blogging to do so. If you figure things out let me know because I feel you to a T! PS I would love to see some new pictures of Dawson, I bet he has gotten so big :0)
Guys, thanks again!! You're wonderful! And for the lurkers... I can't even tell you how nice you each are!! Thanks for your support!
Mandie,
I could have written the comment from the person above me. I too have been a lurker for literally years from the TTC board and have followed the same group throughout PG and now with out little ones. I love hearing about what all Mommies are going through with our little ones. Even when we are feeling down on ourselves. It's HARD to be a working mom. Give yourself some credit! Enjoy this amazing time in your life while Dawson is young.
And also a note on the sleeping thing. I was having the same sleeping issues and the only thing that stopped it was (gasp) putting her in bed with us. I know some people are totally against this. (If i remember correctly, maybe you said Daniel didn't like this) In any case instead of being a big deal of getting her out of her crib when she woke up and go back to sleep, I now just snuggle her in close to me and she goes right back to sleep. I realized that I needed to get sleep to be a good mom and wife and if this was the only way it was going to happen, i would worry about getting her out of our bed later (I hope sooner rather than later LOL). In any caase, we didn't start this until about 14 months... until then she never even slept an hour in our bed.
Hope you get some sleep soon and keep postin'. I love to live vicariously through everyones blog!
Wow. I could have written this myself.
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