i never really talked about the PPD

Shortly after Dawson was born I felt the first twinges of super scary anxiety. Not new mom anxiety, definitely and obviously PPD anxiety. That and the lack of sleep and I was in the throws of a mild PPD. Luckily I'm skilled in recognizing when I'm spiraling, but usually I'm so ashamed to say much. No this current battle isn't the first. Or the second. I distinctly remember a similar spiral back in my 15th year summer. And maybe a tiny one my 2nd semester of my freshman year of college. Then after D was born and now. The first two I just got over. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling, never discussed it and just went on about my days like everything was great. In the meantime I was self sabotaging my friendships and relationships and my school work suffered some. I want from an A student with the occasional B to an A B student who was scattered brain. Maybe that's just college...anyway, after D was born I knew I had more than baby blues, and I worked up the nerve to call my ob office and make an appointment that I never went to. Instead one of the neurologists I worked for gave me a prescription for cymbalta and life picked up again. In November of 2009 I was off the cymbalta (had been for a couple of months) doing great and asked for a referral to a psychologist to make sure I could continue to do well. Dawson started sleeping great in November. Went to the psychologist he was super weird but helpful. When I left that day, the office was having computer trouble and asked me to call on Monday to make a follow up appointment. I never called. You see I thought my first appointment was so effective and that since I was doing so well that I didn't really need to see him. Then the ear infections, the no sleep again, and here we are now. I never should have skipped making that follow up. Oh, and I figured out my MIL issues. When I was 26 weeks pregnant we were just casually talking and I said something about PPD. She said she didn't believe that PPD was real and that it was a copout for women who didn't want to parent. So when I realized I was indeed suffering PPD I never said a word to anyone except for my friend Heather and the few online friends that knew. I didn't even tell Daniel. To this day he knows nothing of these struggles. This is something I have to work on. I have to be honest and upfront. And not ashamed and embarrassed. And yes I'm up at 3 in the morning bc the cymbalta gave me insomnia tonight and currently dawson is rolling around very restless. Oh and I tried cio for about 15 minutes tonight. It was going okay until he threw up and tried to climb out of his crib all in the same few motions. So tomorrow night when daniel is home we're going to make a solid gameplan about what to do and just get it done. With d able to climb out when he really wants to, some modifications may have to happen first though. Thanks for everyones support. I truly appreciate all the kind words, emails, texts (thanks Becca) and phone number offerings. You are amazing women and I'm lucky to have the encouragement from all of you. Please forgive any grammatical errors...its.3 in the morning and I'm on my blackberry.