Always expect the unexpected.

Motherhood has a strange way of changing all of your plans. When you think you have it all figured it, BOOM it all changes. Friday night and Saturday morning it started. It crept back in. Postpartum something. Last time (with D) I thought it was postpartum depression...but actually I'm pretty sure it was postpartum anxiety. I had never heard of postpartum anxiety until a few weeks ago and when I read the symptoms they matched exactly what I experienced with D. An extreme fear that I would hurt him (unintentionally), mess him up in some way mentally, that I wasn't a good enough mother, etc. It took me a full year to admit that I had a problem and get help...around the time that my marriage was probably at it's darkest and I was definitely at my darkest. But, I picked up my boot straps made that ever needed doctors appointment and I was on the up swing from then on out. Then when I knew we would be trying for Allie I went off my medication and got pregnant very quickly. The first few months of my pregnancy with her were hard emotionally on me. I was very sick and tired and chasing after a 2 year old. I was drained. But it was completely situational and when I physically started to feel better I mentally did as well.

Well here we are now. The symptoms are back but different. I think this may be more of a depression less of a anxiety. I think a lot of it is related to the stress of having 2. I feel great physically so that's not it. It's definitely emotionally that I'm suffering. I called my doctor (the same one that held my hand through the rough time after D was born) and I'll go see him tomorrow. Probably back on medication, but I'm okay with that. Of course I have one question b/c it seems to correlate perfectly in timing....could birth control be causing depression? I've never correlated the two in the past...but literally a week and a half after starting back on yaz, I'm in a dark place emotionally. I'm a wreck...could that be it? I guess it could and I'll ask him tomorrow.