WARNING: Emotionally Heavy Post involving Child Abuse

I've titled this post the way that I have so you can choose whether or not you want to read. I didn't want to just put this in your face without a warning.

I stumbled across the most important thing I've ever read in my life yesterday. It was a blog written by a sexual abuse survivor. Her stories are hers so I won't link it here although I don't think she would mind. She suffered some absolutely unspeakable things as a child and she's made it to the other side with a lot of help and A LOT of time. She is an inspiration to me, as well as her readers and commenters. Most of them are survivors as well. Until yesterday I've been embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I too am a survivor. I was sexually abused as a child by my ex stepfather and thankfully when my mom discovered the abuse that was happening to me and my older sister she left him. She divorced him. She didn't prosecute him and I don't know how I feel about that. That doesn't matter right now. What matters is that I was embarrassed and ashamed of the abuse that happened TO ME. Not because of me. That is so hard to remember. I was a VICTIM. I was a small innocent child and I never was able to have a normal childhood because of this monster. I was never able to be exposed to sex in a loving caring manner and I didn't get to choose what I knew and didn't know and how I knew it. I was a victim and my innocence was stolen from me. I've been to therapy by my own choice, my mom never offered it to me. I sought it out as an adult after Dawson was born and I spiraled out of control with post partum anxiety and depression. I was so worried that I was going to screw my son up by not protecting him enough that I became super obsessive with making sure nothing ever happened to him. I still am VERY protective of him and now Allie too. I'm so worried that someone will harm them the way that I was harmed and their lives will be changed forever.

I don't know why I've been so ashamed of this. I don't know why. I now know that it's normal. I know that most survivors feel this way. I also know that I've used sex as a way to punish myself over the years. Punish myself for the abuse that I didn't cause. Punish myself because obviously I didn't deserve to be loved or cared about and that I was a lesser person because of my abuse. I couldn't have sex without being ashamed and this includes my husband. Sex was not intimate. Sex was something that just happened because it wasn't a loving act for me. My husband says I'm not affectionate. I don't know how to be affectionate towards men. My kids I can show affection for all day long, but a man is a different story. I don't know how he saw past all of this and married me anyway. I'm working on this. Sex has changed too. I no longer have to will myself through the act. I no longer feel ashamed and embarrassed. I can actually enjoy it. I don't feel dirty and like I want to hide in a corner afterwards. My husband loves me and I love him and sex isn't something that is meant to punish someone. Certainly not by my husband. Finally, I can show him some affection and enjoy something that is meant to be enjoyed. But it took A LOT A LOT of time for that to happen. I don't trust easy and I don't let people get close to me because I'm scared I'll get hurt. If someone who was supposed to love me and protect me could harm me to my core anyone can. I still have major issues with trust, but in order to heal I have to trust and I have to put this out there. I can't keep it a secret. No one and I do mean no one knows my story fully. I'm not ready to tell it. My best friend doesn't know anything about this. My husband and my mom know snip its and that's all. Why is it so taboo to talk about these types of things? It shouldn't be. Children that are abused deserve to be able to talk about it without being judged. Without feeling like they are being harmed all over again. They need someone to tell them it's not their fault, it's nothing shameful and that they can get past it and live a good life. A different life than non abused children, but a good life.

I wanted to put this in writing for many reasons. One so it's not a secret anymore. It doesn't have to be my secret and it's not going to be any longer. I need freedom from the restraints of keeping that secret. 2-because someone else putting it in writing may have saved my marriage and my sanity.