Dreams.

I dream every night. Most of them are very vivid and I often wake up remembering every detail of them. Actually when I dream, I often have full control of my actions and emotions in my dreams. I can wake up in the middle of a dream and go back to sleep and finish the dream. I can make myself wake up during a dream to avoid finishing it.I think this is called lucid dreaming. I'm pretty sure that not everyone has the capability, but I do and have for as long as I can remember. Last night...I had the worst dream of my life. It started out fine.

I was somewhere beautiful with an ocean and the house we (my husband, Dawson and in laws) were staying in was gorgeous. Huge. Surronded by water. A long dock went into the ocean. Apparently the ocean was very deep and you could jump off the dock and swim. There was no beach. Just rocks that seemed to create a hill that would have been impossible to climb because it was that high. The dock sat very high too, it was almost like a pier and not a dock. Anyway, at night time all these sea creatures would come to the dock and swim and jump and practically dance. Dolphins and whales and it was just beautiful. We watched the first night cautiously and then the second night we noticed people in the water playing with these creatures and having so much fun. Well Dawson and I sat on the dock watching everyone else in the water. Then at some point Dawson was in the water with a family member and wanted to get out. So I got him out and he ran from me and jumped in the water by himself. I jumped in right after him and grabbed him. I felt him slipping through the water and grabbed him up just in time. We swam to the edge of the dock to get up and then something happened. He slipped or I slipped and we couldn't both get on the dock and I lost my grip on him. I felt him sliding by me in the water. I had my hands on him and he kept going like I was made of water too. He slipped past my legs and I tried so hard to get him. I just couldn't grab him and he was gone. I forced myself to wake up at this point. I just couldn't. I wanted to finish it because I wanted to find him, but I knew at this point all hope was lost and he was gone. If I finished this dream I knew that I was going to be miserable all day long.

I got out of bed this morning and looked at my little fellow. I can't imagine losing him. He's so important to me and such a big part of my life. He seems to be the force behind every decision I make and the thought of him being here one minute and gone the next makes my stomach hurt and tears come to my eyes. I hope I never know what it's like to lose him.