Maybe admitting it here will make it easier.

I'm depressed. Need to see my docotr, get medication depressed. I'm out of patience, absolutely exhausted, completely unmotivated, and dreadfully ashamed of it all. I'm supposed to be super woman, and I'm just not. I can't handle all of this and my poor child and husband catch the brunt of this. When I'm up for the twentieth time at night since D still doesn't sleep I'm out of all patience. I just want to close the door, turn off the monitor and let him scream. Either that or yell at him to just shut up and sleep. I don't do either by the way, but I want to. I don't go out with anyone anymore, mu husband called me a hermit bc I don't go anywhere. My marriage is so rocky right now that I can't believe my husband still comes home. I'm mean to him and I yell and scream and just want to cry. I've got to go to the doctor and I know it yet I'm so embarrassed. So many people have way more stressful lives than I do and handle it just fine, what's wrong with me?

youve got to be effing kidding me

I just found a wasp, a really big, very alive ready to eat my poor child alive wasp in D's crib. I rarely pull D's blanket back until right before I'm laying him down, but I was putting his pillow in a different position and I moved the blanket. Thank goodness! I'm already crazy scared about things being in D's crib since I heard that story about the lady that found a snake in her childs crib...the wasp about sent me into convulsions so I know a snake would cause a massive heart attack and kill me on the spot. I hate bugs!

Biggest lie I was told regarding motherhood: one night, your kid will sleep all night and you'll wake up terrified...WRONG you lying bastards! In my house 16 months later, we still don't sleep...so if this ever happens to me, ill let you know if I woke up terrified or not. My guess is I won't bc when this finally does happen D will be like 15.

do you think before you speak (type?)

I inadvertently offended a fellow blogger today bc I typed out a comment to her post exactly as I was thinking it. I gave no thought to my typing bc it was afterall my raw response to her post. This is how I generally respond to people in real life. I have a tendency to speak then think as I process the information further. In real life I'm very shy and social situations throw me into a tizzy. I'm the wife that doesn't want to double date if I don't know you bc I'm sure you're prettier than me, nicer than me. And smarter than me. And I'm certain you won't like me. I'm terrified of my husband walking off and leaving me with strangers as I come across as bitchy and arrogant simply bc I'm really and honest to goodness terrified to talk to you. I have gone into hysterics many times due to my social anxiety and my husband has about walked out on me for it. Although I hate not being part of a group, I don't know how to fix it. I've just accepted that as an adult ill never be accepted and people just don't really like me. With the exception of a few people I'm not close to that many people and I struggle often with the fact that my career has more people intimidated by me in my office than wanting to get to know me. I'm not skinny enough or rich enough or exciting enough to be part of any groups. Take my messageboard for example, I've totally pulled away from that bc I don't consider myself important enough to contribute anything to it. I'm just a middle class working mom. My husband is a boring firefighter. I don't come from money. I certainly didn't marry into money. I'm not a stay at home mom bc I flat out can't afford it. I don't cook from scratch. I don't cook organic or make my own soap. I'm not a size 0 although I'd kill to be. I'm pretty but I'm not stunning. I'm nice but I cover it up with a tough don't want to be friends with you exterior bc you won't like me anyway attitude. I don't censor myself bc I already know that you don't like me so what's the point. I've got some serious soul searching to do. Its not okay for me to hurt your feelings bc deep inside I think the whole world hates me and wants to see me fail. Its not okay for me to not want to be friends with you bc you're 115 lbs and I'm not. I swear this stems from middle school when you had to be this person or you flat out had a miserable life. Now I'm scared to get to know anyone bc ill never be that person. Sure I can fake it but when it comes down to it I'm a jeans and t shirt kinda girl with simple taste who struggles financially sometimes, emotionally mostly, and who really just wants a good strong set of married mom friends. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and know that its okay to just be me and not the pretty one or the skinny one or the fashionista. I just want to really know that its okay to walk around in jeans, flip flops, t shirt, no make up, hair in a pony tail, and eat a piece of chocolate cake if I want to. Who am I wasting my life trying to be? And for the blogger's feelings that I hurt, I'm sorry!!! I should not take out my insecurities in you!

If your child gets a splinter, make an epsom salt compress out of epsom salt and water and put it on the splinter for 15 minutes and I swear it'll slip out!

I wish someone had told me that motherhood will sometimes feel like the loneliest place to be.

Ramblings...

I don't want a newborn ever again...so I don't really know if I will actually have anymore children...I don't want D to be an only child though...and I'm pretty sure I'm not spending tens of thousands on adopting either. I'm at the salon going blonde for the warm months. My child is the coolest kid I know. I've had so much fun playing and chasing him the last couple of weeks in the beautiful weather. I'm so glad I'm married to my husband. He's amazing! Don't know what to do about our child care arrangements. D and I both love his sitter and she loves him, but I think he needs socialization with other kids on a regular basis. I wish sh'd keep another toddler! Great daycare just opened about 2 minutes from my house. I love it too. What to do???? I'm down 20lbs and very few people have noticed. Guess I need to be stick thin for peoe to realize it. I'd like to lose 10 more and ill be happy, although I'm pretty happy with myself now. I'm about to do a major overhaul on my backyard to have it summer play time ready!