Allie: 10 Weeks, D's 3rd Bday and Christmas

So in the last week we've had Dawson's 3rd Birthday and Christmas. We were very busy. Friday was D's 3rd Birthday and since we had already had his party a couple of weeks ago we just had a small family day and hung out. Then that night Santa Claus came (a day early) b/c Daniel was on shift Christmas Day and we wanted him to be home when the kids received their gifts. It was a great morning. Then we went to the grandparents house and received more gifts and then that evening we went to the great grands and received even more. Seriously my kids have more stuff than they could ever possibly play with. But it was a good Christmas. The family time and just being together is the best part of Christmas for me and it was a good time. Allie's first Christmas-well she slept through most of it. But I have pictures of it so she can enjoy it one day.

Allie turned 10 weeks old yesterday and she's definitely growing up already. She holds her head up so well when we do tummy time and she's always smiling and all of a sudden she's really into her toys. She just stares at them and I know it won't be long before she's grabbing for them. I noticed a flat spot on her head this past weekend so I took her to her pediatrician today just to make sure it was a positional issue and she agreed that it is. Since Allie's a good sleeper she pretty much lays in one position all night-hence the flat spot. We've got some exercises to do to make sure she doesn't always lay on that one spot and in 2 months we'll reevaluate. Her pediatrician thinks it should resolve, but if it doesn't we'll be looking at a helmet to correct it. It's not bad now, but if we don't do something now to work on it, it could get that way.

And that's pretty much all of the updates for now.

Allie: 8 and 9 weeks

Wow, it's been a busy couple of weeks. Not really in terms of having to do things but just with life in general. Allie is 9 weeks old today. She also had her 2 month well check today. My little girl is not very little!! She's already 23 3/4 inches long and wait for this...13.13 pounds. I have such a roly poly on my hands. Dawson is almost 3 (on Friday) and he only weighs 30 pounds. I have a string bean and a butterball.
Christmas is right around the corner and so is D's birthday.

Now something I could use some help with. When D was born I decided to do his vaccinations on a delayed schedule. This way he never received more than 2 shots at a time and sometimes only one if it was a combination shot. I've really been struggling with what to do for Allie. Today I allowed her to receive the rotavirus vaccination and the Hib vaccination. I absolutely do not want her to get the Dtap vacc until after she's 6 months old if at all. I didn't know this with D but apparently there are a lot of cases of SIDS occurring right after receiving this vaccine and that scares me beyond belief. She's not in daycare with no plans of daycare and neither is D. So what do you do for your child's vaccinations?

Always expect the unexpected.

Motherhood has a strange way of changing all of your plans. When you think you have it all figured it, BOOM it all changes. Friday night and Saturday morning it started. It crept back in. Postpartum something. Last time (with D) I thought it was postpartum depression...but actually I'm pretty sure it was postpartum anxiety. I had never heard of postpartum anxiety until a few weeks ago and when I read the symptoms they matched exactly what I experienced with D. An extreme fear that I would hurt him (unintentionally), mess him up in some way mentally, that I wasn't a good enough mother, etc. It took me a full year to admit that I had a problem and get help...around the time that my marriage was probably at it's darkest and I was definitely at my darkest. But, I picked up my boot straps made that ever needed doctors appointment and I was on the up swing from then on out. Then when I knew we would be trying for Allie I went off my medication and got pregnant very quickly. The first few months of my pregnancy with her were hard emotionally on me. I was very sick and tired and chasing after a 2 year old. I was drained. But it was completely situational and when I physically started to feel better I mentally did as well.

Well here we are now. The symptoms are back but different. I think this may be more of a depression less of a anxiety. I think a lot of it is related to the stress of having 2. I feel great physically so that's not it. It's definitely emotionally that I'm suffering. I called my doctor (the same one that held my hand through the rough time after D was born) and I'll go see him tomorrow. Probably back on medication, but I'm okay with that. Of course I have one question b/c it seems to correlate perfectly in timing....could birth control be causing depression? I've never correlated the two in the past...but literally a week and a half after starting back on yaz, I'm in a dark place emotionally. I'm a wreck...could that be it? I guess it could and I'll ask him tomorrow.

Allie: 7 weeks, What I've learned

With Dawson I had baby gear that I absolutely could not live without, a lot of that baby gear has carried over to Allie (b/c when pregnant with D we bought all gender neutral items so that we could reuse them) and now I've got a full fledged list of items that I could not have survived baby days without.

Source: target.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: google.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: aloadofcraft.blogspot.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: fisher-price.com via Mandie on Pinterest

so let's see that's the rainforest portable swing (Allie LOVES this, D not so much) Dove sensitive skin soap b/c both my babies have sensitive eczema prone skin, aveeno lotion for the same reason, soothie pacis for Allie (D didn't like pacis), the rainforest bouncy which both of my babies have seemed to absolutely LOVE and the moby wrap (even though I made mine myself)

Babies and Sleep

So if you've been around here a while then you know that D did not sleep for 2 years. I'm talking up every 45 mins at night for TWO years. It was pretty rough. We co slept (and continue to do so) just so it was sorta bearable. A saving grace in that was that he did nap during the day (of course I was working so I didn't get the benefits of this except on Saturdays and Sundays.)I could actually put him down in the bassinet and get things done or mostly nap. Now here comes Allie. She sleeps pretty good at night. Only up once around 2:30-3 and again around 6:30-7 (for the day then.) I can totally be okay with that. However she doesn't nap well unless you're holding her. At this point in her life I've only ever been able to put her down for about 20 mins during a nap and she stay asleep. If you hold her you can get a couple of hours. Until today. I laid her on her belly. I know I know...controversial...but I co sleep with both of my babies so I'm already a controversy. She's been asleep now for about an hour. Dawson was begging me for attention verbally and non verbally and I had to do something. And it's worked so far. I wonder if this is a fluke. Guess we'll see.

WARNING: Emotionally Heavy Post involving Child Abuse

I've titled this post the way that I have so you can choose whether or not you want to read. I didn't want to just put this in your face without a warning.

I stumbled across the most important thing I've ever read in my life yesterday. It was a blog written by a sexual abuse survivor. Her stories are hers so I won't link it here although I don't think she would mind. She suffered some absolutely unspeakable things as a child and she's made it to the other side with a lot of help and A LOT of time. She is an inspiration to me, as well as her readers and commenters. Most of them are survivors as well. Until yesterday I've been embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I too am a survivor. I was sexually abused as a child by my ex stepfather and thankfully when my mom discovered the abuse that was happening to me and my older sister she left him. She divorced him. She didn't prosecute him and I don't know how I feel about that. That doesn't matter right now. What matters is that I was embarrassed and ashamed of the abuse that happened TO ME. Not because of me. That is so hard to remember. I was a VICTIM. I was a small innocent child and I never was able to have a normal childhood because of this monster. I was never able to be exposed to sex in a loving caring manner and I didn't get to choose what I knew and didn't know and how I knew it. I was a victim and my innocence was stolen from me. I've been to therapy by my own choice, my mom never offered it to me. I sought it out as an adult after Dawson was born and I spiraled out of control with post partum anxiety and depression. I was so worried that I was going to screw my son up by not protecting him enough that I became super obsessive with making sure nothing ever happened to him. I still am VERY protective of him and now Allie too. I'm so worried that someone will harm them the way that I was harmed and their lives will be changed forever.

I don't know why I've been so ashamed of this. I don't know why. I now know that it's normal. I know that most survivors feel this way. I also know that I've used sex as a way to punish myself over the years. Punish myself for the abuse that I didn't cause. Punish myself because obviously I didn't deserve to be loved or cared about and that I was a lesser person because of my abuse. I couldn't have sex without being ashamed and this includes my husband. Sex was not intimate. Sex was something that just happened because it wasn't a loving act for me. My husband says I'm not affectionate. I don't know how to be affectionate towards men. My kids I can show affection for all day long, but a man is a different story. I don't know how he saw past all of this and married me anyway. I'm working on this. Sex has changed too. I no longer have to will myself through the act. I no longer feel ashamed and embarrassed. I can actually enjoy it. I don't feel dirty and like I want to hide in a corner afterwards. My husband loves me and I love him and sex isn't something that is meant to punish someone. Certainly not by my husband. Finally, I can show him some affection and enjoy something that is meant to be enjoyed. But it took A LOT A LOT of time for that to happen. I don't trust easy and I don't let people get close to me because I'm scared I'll get hurt. If someone who was supposed to love me and protect me could harm me to my core anyone can. I still have major issues with trust, but in order to heal I have to trust and I have to put this out there. I can't keep it a secret. No one and I do mean no one knows my story fully. I'm not ready to tell it. My best friend doesn't know anything about this. My husband and my mom know snip its and that's all. Why is it so taboo to talk about these types of things? It shouldn't be. Children that are abused deserve to be able to talk about it without being judged. Without feeling like they are being harmed all over again. They need someone to tell them it's not their fault, it's nothing shameful and that they can get past it and live a good life. A different life than non abused children, but a good life.

I wanted to put this in writing for many reasons. One so it's not a secret anymore. It doesn't have to be my secret and it's not going to be any longer. I need freedom from the restraints of keeping that secret. 2-because someone else putting it in writing may have saved my marriage and my sanity.

Allie: 6 weeks, what I've learned.

In 6 short weeks I've really learned a lot. But this week in particular I learned a very valuable lesson (Or I really realized it, I think I've known it since D was born) That lesson is:

The days are long, but the years are short.

See sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in house work, and I'll realize that it's only been oh 6 hours since I've been awake and yet I haven't had time to brush my teeth. Allie is not like Dawson in that I can put her down and she'll sleep for 2 hours. She barely will sleep for 20 minutes during the day unless you're holding her. It's actually pretty exhausting in that every few hours I'm rushing around like mad to get the laundry done or the dishes washed and put away. Nevermind getting showered, dressed and out the door. It IS a lot of work. And it IS at least 3 times harder than when I just had D. But I'm getting her first smiles and she's noticing things now and it's wonderful that I'm here to see it. I forget about most of this when she smiles at me. However, this is definitely a learning process. I know in a couple of years when she's chasing after her brother and he's chasing her back that I'll forget how hard these days are and just remember the good things about them...and now she's up again!