Mind is made up :)

Thank you to everyone who responded to my last blog post about whether or not giving up my “dream job” to go to a part time position is worth it. I have decided that I am going to go part time. I may not take the job that has been offered to me, but I have been looking around and have already had 4 interviews for a part time/prn position. I’m mostly hoping that the PRN position works out, honestly. The hours are completely up to me and I’m only required to work 2 shifts a week. Which means I could work up to 40 hours if I needed to or only 16…..it’s really a GREAT position. I have my second interview tomorrow for this position and we’ll go from there. It’s really been a tough decision, but after weighing all the pros and cons and deciding that time with my little guy is the most important thing, the decision was made. My husband is being super supportive and I’m just waiting until I actually take a position before I turn in my notice….once it’s done it’s done and honestly, I cannot wait!!


In other news, here are a couple cell phone pics of D from yesterday. The two cow costumes are from getting dressed for Boo in the Zoo and the one with the puppies is from my mom’s house.

Personal struggle, dilemma, something...

I’m in a bit of a situation. Granted, a created situation. But, none-the-less, a situation. You see one year ago, I was offered and accepted my “dream job” and it’s turned out to be a great job. But, my heart is at home with Dawson. I have the option to take a part time job that will allow me more time at home with Dawson. He’ll still be in daycare probably 2 days a week, but I will certainly get more time with him. It will also save me the large amount we pay on daycare every week and most importantly, I’ll get more time with him. Here’s the kicker….in my heart, I want to do this. My head? Is screaming not to.


I was raised by a very independent women who insisted on education and having a career that could support myself and my children without the aid of another person. This was drilled in my head literally almost every day of my life. It was my goal and I have achieved that. What I didn’t know was how much I would long to be with my child on the long days at work. What I didn’t know was that my heart wouldn’t be in my career. What I didn’t know was how materialistic I’ve become and how much I hate that. My heart says this is a GREAT opportunity. My head says I’m being stupid. Why would I even logically think about letting my dream job go to a simple part time job? Why would I even consider this? Well my heart knows why. It’s the best of both worlds. My head still says it’s stupid. Financially it would even out pretty much the same when gas and daycare costs are subtracted….so really it’s an internal struggle not a financial one.

If I do this, will I be letting my mom down? Maybe. If I do this, will I be letting my family down? If I don’t do this, will I be letting myself down or my child down? You see I WANT to be the mom at all the events, the PTA mom, the classroom mom, the mom that does all the things with the school and my child. I want another child and I know that logically I cannot in no way shape or form afford daycare for two children. That cost would be significantly more than the cost of my mortgage. Right now I pay what I pay for my mortgage in daycare expenses…..

The only other issue is that right now, being in school, my current employer will give me 75% of my tuition as long as I agree to stay full time here for at least 4 more years. Is it worth it? I mean it’s a great opportunity, but really is it worth it?

Picasso? Van Gogh?

My child may end up being the next big thing in art... Or not :) He's painting his pumpkin from the pumpkin patch...and himself.

UGH!!!

Ever have a day when you want to pull your hair out, throw your phone and your computer out the window of a fast moving car, get a divorce, and quit work all at the same time? Yeah, that’s me today. Normally, work NEVER stresses me. I realize that there are way more important things in life than work, so I let most things roll. But the last week has been insanely busy as I try to set 23 practices up on a brand new payment system. And all 23 practices are having issues which mean my phone and computer have been super busy and I’m being pulled all across the effing country to fix things like check scanners and show someone how to make a proper deposit. Really?!?!?
Also, Christmas and D’s birthday will be here very soon. 12/23/08 is D’s day and then obviously Christmas follows right after…so that means I’m trying to save money for those two events so that it doesn’t just hit us come December. Well, normally my husband telling me he’s going to spend 40 dollars on a phone wouldn’t bother me, but today, it annoyed the hell out me and I flipped out on him. Yeah, I apologized, but damn you have a phone that works just fine, do you really need another one? I mean it’s not even a lot of money, but he called at the wrong time.
Lastly, we’re getting a new roof put on the house today and tomorrow. So that’s a whole bunch of money I’m about to write a check for and honestly I don’t want to. I know that insurance paid for some of it, but I liked that money sitting in savings. And once the roof is one, the savings is back down and that means I have to build it back up…and that just sucks.

I’ve briefly mentioned some of the negative from my childhood. Because, well there was some. But, it wasn’t all bad and there were PLENTY of good times and I certainly have some great memories, wonderful values and morals, and a lot of happiness too.

I’m from a smallish southern town stuck smack dab in the middle of two major cities (Atlanta and Charlotte). I’m from rows and rows of cornfields and an amazing downtown area. I’m from good ole’ southern charm and sweet tea with dinner. I’m from lifted trucks and a day spent four wheelin’ in the mud is the best kind of day. I’m from football is a way of life not a hobby. I’m from pecan pie just because. I’m from home made icecream, hand picked strawberries, and apple trees growing in the front yard. I’m from Christmas morning starting as EARLY as possible and a huge Christmas morning breakfast. I’m from stuck in the middle of two sisters. I’m from a mom that gets on my nerves but loves me to pieces. I’m from you do it because you want to. I’m from no one leaves the house until it’s clean on Saturday morning. I’m from French toast and sausage. I’m from GRITS with cheese and bacon. I’m from fried chicken (mine without bones, please), homemade mac and cheese, butter beans, sweet peas (Le Seur brand only) fried squash, and a million other Southern Comfort foods. I’m from greasy cheeseburgers and cook outs to celebrate everything. I’m from tractors and hayrides. I’m from festivals and fairs. I’m from not always a bright childhood, but not as bad as it could have been. I’m from unconditional love, even when it hurts.

I’m from married to my highschool sweetheart, bought a house at 19. I’m from knock down drag out fights to hardly even fuss anymore. I’m from if you go to bed angry you better make up first thing in the morning. I’m from wonderful in laws and an amazingly accepting extended family. I’m from being the best damn mother I can be because my child deserves it. I’m from playing outside til dark. I’m from bath time is for singing, playing, splashing, and dancing. I’m from collapsing on the sofa at the end of a long day. I’m from checking on my “buggy” everytime I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m from co sleeping, baby wearing, to co sleeping and baby carrying whenever he wants me to. I’m from spoiling my child like crazy and still finding a balance. I'm from rocking my child to sleep every single night until he flat out refuses to let me do so. I'm from won't let him cry because it hurts too much. I'm from pick him up and dust him off. I'm from scraped knees healed with kisses. I'm from nothing sweeter than my beautiful boy. I'm from can't WAIT for football, t-ball, and soccer, unless he wants to do something else and then I'm from that. I’m from unconditional love, even when it hurts.

Thank you, Mama

So, all of last week D was sick. Nasty yucky phlegmy cough and crying and whining and not his self. Totally out of character. I take him to the doctor, they say he has a cold. This is Monday. Still sick Friday, I’ve missed 1.5 days of work already and Daniel has missed 1 day. Goes to school all day on Thursday. Still not great, but no fever, playing, close to himself. Then Friday, around lunch they call me and tell me he’s just not himself….really fussy, whining, etc. I go get him because I know he wants me and I want to be with him. Go back to the doctor where just 4 days ago his ears where great…one is now infected.
On the way back from the doctors office, D is just fussy and cranky and not himself. He’s playing with his toys and he drops one. I pick it up and throw over the car seat too him and out of nowhere my child goes “Thank you, Mama.” It was the best 3 word sentence I’ve ever heard. Not only is my child speaking well, he’s also polite!! I love it.

A melody of things....

Have you ever had something totally unexpected take you back to a completely gone and forgotten place? A song, a scent, a movie, a food, anything? I have. Last night a favorite blogger of mine wrote a post that took me back to a time in my life where I was super carefree, thought I was totally in love, and wildly passionate about a boy that I thought was going to be my forever. Good thing he wasn’t. Isn’t. Good thing. He would have ruined my life. I would have let him. Thank God for miracles that come in the form of love, compassion, and stability. My husband. Thank God for heart ache and reaching the breaking point. Thank God for walking away albeit later than I should have. Thank God for open arms, forgiveness, and a willingness to understand, trust, and love.
Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you had made one single decision differently? If I hadn’t gone to the movies with a friend one night, I never would have fallen in love with my husband. I probably would be married now, but not to him. I have no idea what road my life would have taken, but I know where the road started to my current life.
I didn’t post about September 11th on Saturday. You all know my husband is a firefighter. You all know that means that what happened to those firefighters, paramedics, and police officers in 2001 weighs heavy on my heart. I haven’t forgotten. How could I? How could any of us? That could be my husband one day. Granted, we don’t have the metropolis of NYC, but he works for a large city department. He’s in tall buildings every day. I could lose him while he’s been a hero, easily. I don’t dwell on that. I prefer to think of him at work, doing his job. He’s passionate about it. I love that he loves his work. I love him. I trust him to take care of himself, but I also know him well enough to know that he’d give his own life to save another in a split second. Sometimes, if I’m being really honest, that’s hard to accept. For me, my family is number one. As selfish as it sounds, I doubt that I could give my own life to save another unless it was for my family. I can’t imagine giving up and risking being Dawson’s mother to save a complete stranger. That’s the difference in me and Daniel. That’s why I don’t work in that field.
You know what scares me? My child, the epitome of innocence and the embodiment of life…will be numbed to the evils of this world, just like we all are. We have seen some terrible terrible events in our lives. From school shootings, gang violence, terrorist attacks, to local murders…and most of us are numb to this. Of course it still evokes emotion, but we expect this. I hate to think that one day, my child, will expect this too. I wish he could stay pure from the evils of the world forever. I know he can’t….but I still wish he could.