confession

So I have a confession to make. As much as I wanted this pregnancy and as planned as it was...I'm not excited. I'm sure that it's the mixture of being so sick, a toddler in terrible twos, and no ultrasound yet...but I find myself thinking what the hell did I get myself into. That's awful. I know it's terrible to say. Is this normal for 2nd time moms? Someone please tell me I'm not a horrible awful person.

3 days...

I haven't thrown up in 3 days. That's great! I'm still feeling nauseas most of the day, but it's not as bad. Today anyway. I don't have a my first doctors appointment until April 13th when I'll be almost 13 weeks so the only assurance that I have that all is okay is faith. So I'm running on faith, zofran, and carbs. I know my appt seems forever away, but they did the same thing when I was pregnant with Dawson so it's just protocol for their office not to see you until you're 12 weeks along unless there is a problem before. I'll have my first ultrasound that day too. It'll be here before I know it. And hopefully all this sickness will be gone by then too!

What I want you to imagine.

Okay, so imagine the very end of a really great drunk night. You're at the end, where you feel absolutely terrible. So the night may have been a lot of fun and involved lots of laughing, drinking, and having the best time. Now, it's over. You're sitting up thinking you're going to die because you're that nauseas. Everytime you move you're certain you're going to vomit everything in your stomach. Everytime you cough, burp, or blink your eyes you're certain you're going to toss your cookies. All you want to do is lay down, but when you do that, the room spins.

Now, imagine that you're pregnant and this lasts for at least 9 weeks. This is currently me. When I was pregnant with D I felt this way 9 weeks. 9 very long weeks. I'm currently on week one of this miserable feeling. And let me tell you, I'm miserable. Absolutely 100% certain that I've never felt this badly in my life.

Of course it's all worth it and many many many women have it WAY worse than me. At least with D, I did eventually get past this and I didn't actually throw up that often. This pregnancy seems to be going in the same direction. I can ONLY HOPE that this only lasts 9 weeks. I REALLY hope that this lasts no longer than this week and that I wake up tomorrow feeling a million times better. I doubt it though.

And before you start giving me suggestions....let me tell you. I've TRIED Them all. You think about, I've tried it and I'm still just as sick as before. Even the prescription (Zofran) is doing nothing to combat this.

Bitch fest=over.

Well hello constant urge to vomit. Its been a while. Nice to see you today.

Terrified.

Terrified. That about sums up how I've been feeling lately. When I was pregnant with Dawson, I was comforted. Comforted even though I had the miscarriage before. I just knew that things would be okay. I had no reason to worry at first, so I didn't. I have no reason to worry that this tiny little seed in my uterus is going to be leaving me anytime soon either. But I find myself consumed with a fear that it will. I don't get an ultrasound until 12 weeks. So I won't know for another 7 weeks that everything is doing what it's supposed to do in there. I could fake something (like cramping or bleeding) and get one sooner but I don't believe in that. So I won't. I am, however, a nervous wreck. I have peed on at least 30 pregnancy tests. They all come back STRONG AND POSITIVE....no cause for worry there. But, I'm still symptomless. I know I should be happy about this fact, but honestly I'd like to feel something. I know it's early. In fact, it's too early to even see a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but it's also very nerve wracking. I wish I could be one of those girls that doesn't find out they're pregnant until like 8 weeks and get's an appointment a few days later and gets the all clear on a healthy baby. Truth is, I have no reason to worry. None. But that's still hard not to do. I know I can rent a doppler, but that will do me no good until about 10 weeks....so what's the point? I just want confirmation that things are good!! I think it's going to be a long countdown to April 13th (which is my first real appointment and ultrasound!!)

Thank you.

Thank you for all of the support regarding our baby news!!  Just some info for those that are interested. Due date is October 21, 2011. Obviously that means I'm not even 4 weeks yet....but I have a theory that I share my good news to celebrate and any bad news to have support so good or bad I'll put it here.

I feel fine right now. Not pregnant at all. I know it's because it's early, but I do wish I would feel something. I guess in a few weeks I will.

I'm still REALLY nervous about having 2 babies. Well an almost 3 year old and a baby...but I know it will work out.

Everyone is really excited for us. This will be my mom's 5th grandbaby and the 5th grandbaby (3rd, just this year!) for Daniel's family.

I really don't care either way if it's a boy or girl. I'd love for D to have a brother and I'd love being a mom to two boys. I'd also love to experience a girl so I don't mind either way. I just want a baby at the end of this.

Whoa.

Well this mornings, I am 8 days past ovulation ( I think based on some physical signs.) I got up, peed on a stick (or 2) and I got the faintest of faint lines. WOW. I'm thrilled, excited, scared and still very anxious. If you remember from my older posts, I had an early miscarriage before Dawson. So of course I'm a little on edge until I get to see a heartbeat and make it past 12 weeks. I haven't even told Daniel yet. He's not home this morning because he took the dog to the groomer's and I thought I'd see if the First Response test really can tell you 6 days before your missed period (it can.) Wow, wow, wow.