My friend Amy wrote a beautiful post today that talks about the pride a woman should have in her body due to the ability to be able to make, grow, and birth a human being. She's right, you know. Women of all shapes and sizes should be so proud of themselves for this. It really is amazing when you think about it. A human being, a breathing, living, growing, human grows in a woman's body. This body nourishes the baby. Gives it all it needs for 9 long months.
I'm not going to lie. This idea is great. The women that really feel this way, amaze me and this is where my honesty is going to shine through. I take zero pride in my body. None. Not an ounce. I'm ashamed of it. In fact, I'm embarrassed that I didn't lose all my pregnancy weight and don a bikini 6 months after D was born. This is comment that I left on Amy's blog:
What pisses me off about the post you quoted is that it wasn't good enough to mention that she carried and birthed two babies. It wasn't good enough to mention that she's single handedly responsible for feeding those babies...no she also had to mention that within one week of giving birth to TWO babies she was back down to prepregnancy weight. It's posts like those that make me so ashamed that I never lost all of my weight from my first pregnancy. Sadly, I'm not proud of my body at all. Even when I was 120lbs and wearing a size 6 loosely, I was ashamed of my body. It doesn't help now that I'm well over the 120lbs I was only months before getting pregnant with D. I never got back down to that. Not even close. I'm covered in stretch marks and now I'm ruining my body even more with another one. I should be proud of myself for making, growing, and birthing a human being. My wonderful son...but I'm not. It's sad really. I think I would be proud of my body if it had done all of that and lost all the weight too...but I didn't. It's my fault and now I'll have even more to lose after this baby. I'm convinced that people look at my body and want to throw up...because that's how I see myself. Covered in ugly stretch marks, 40lbs too heavy, and now I'm in the is she just fat or pregnant stage...it makes me want to crawl under a rock. I hope I can find my confidence again, one day.
Now, after putting my feelings in writing, I'm embarrassed that I'm ashamed. I want to be proud of my body just for doing the amazing things it does. I want to have self confidence at 120lbs or 200lbs. I just want to be happy with myself. How does one do this? How does one develop this confidence even after 2 pregnancies and a forever changed body. How do I fix an issue that has plauged me since puberty? I've never been happy with my body, so how in my mid-20's will I be able to find this now?
6 comments:
ugh, I sooo know how you feel. I used to want to be a model so badly. When I was 14 I was 5'9" and 110 lbs and I went to a couple agencies and they all told me to come back when I was 16 and they would sign me. But when I was 15 I moved in with my cousins and they were rich and constantly going out to eat and I got really fat. Before I was pregnant with Adria I was about 30-40 pounds overweight, but I'm tall so it spreads out and I just looked a little chunky. But now I have 14 pounds to loose to get back to what I weighed before Nash and 30 to get back to what I weighed before Adria. Basically 30 pounds to get back to being JUST chunky. now I just look gross.
Anyway, sorry this is super long. I wish I had advice but I dont, I know exactly where youre coming from though. *HUGS* you're pregnant! if there's ever a good reason to not care about weight that's it! dont stress im sure you are still beautiful!
*HUGS* I'm not even sure exactly what to say, other than you are not alone! I am still well above my prepregnancy weight and I'm like you in that I had already put on some extra weight before I even got pregnant with Bree. I have always been about 130 and then when I got pregnant with Aubree, I weighted 153. After having Bree, I lost down to 167 and that's still where I sit. I think the only thing that helps me is that I look at Aubree and feel comfort knowing that my body is this way, stretch marks and all, because I created her and carried her and that makes it ALL worth it...but that still doesn't totally take away the insecurity I feel either. I guess in me saying all of this, I just want you to know that you are not alone and I'm not sure what the answer is. I do know my husband loves me and my baby girl loves me JUST the way I am....so who really cares about anyone else...ya know? I live and breathe for my family and no one else. At least that helps ease my pain a little....
I think the bigger issue here is being ok in your body no matter what. Why do we feel the need to qualify if by saying- "I had a baby- I should be proud of this body and what it has done?"
What if you’ve never birthed a baby and aren’t (or never have been) 120 pounds? Then is it not ok? Why can’t we just be proud of our bodies?
As a woman who has always been bigger, I find it so crazy (and quite condescending) that other women will bemoan their 120 (or 130, 140, 150 pound bodies) and how gigantic and awful they look and then tell me I look great.
I weigh 170 and I am a solid size 16. I’ve been that weight since I started dating my husband. I’m happier now than when I was a size 8 in college and totally convinced I was fat. And OHMIGOD I’m actually…FAT!
Yes, I know I could lose a few pounds. But I’m healthy and active and I don’t think I’m less of a person or a less worthy person or any of the self-loathing that comes along with feeling that my body is the be all and end all of who I am.
For the record? I am totally proud of this body and the job it did to sustain all three boys through 2 horrific pregnancies.
It might look beat up and stretched out, but it is amazing.
Erin, you are so right. In all of that. Am I happy? Absolutely...and I shouldn't let my weight define me at all...and babies or no babies it's about loving ourselves regardless.
Just remember hun, weight can be lost, stretch marks can fade. But self confidence needs to be worked on more then any of those. I really do hope you can get to the point where you feel nothing but pride. Like I said I don't LOVE my body, but I am not ASHAMED of it. There is a big difference there. I have already lost 20 lbs and I sincerely hope I can continue to lose more when I move to Louisiana. It's a battle to even like my body, but I don't feel ashamed. My body isn't pretty, but it is AWESOME for all that it has done.
Your doctor's appointment is tomorrow right? I can't wait to hear how it all went! : ) Good luck and you are in my prayers. Btw, how is the morning sickness, any better yet?
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