WARNING: Emotionally Heavy Post involving Child Abuse

I've titled this post the way that I have so you can choose whether or not you want to read. I didn't want to just put this in your face without a warning.

I stumbled across the most important thing I've ever read in my life yesterday. It was a blog written by a sexual abuse survivor. Her stories are hers so I won't link it here although I don't think she would mind. She suffered some absolutely unspeakable things as a child and she's made it to the other side with a lot of help and A LOT of time. She is an inspiration to me, as well as her readers and commenters. Most of them are survivors as well. Until yesterday I've been embarrassed and ashamed to admit that I too am a survivor. I was sexually abused as a child by my ex stepfather and thankfully when my mom discovered the abuse that was happening to me and my older sister she left him. She divorced him. She didn't prosecute him and I don't know how I feel about that. That doesn't matter right now. What matters is that I was embarrassed and ashamed of the abuse that happened TO ME. Not because of me. That is so hard to remember. I was a VICTIM. I was a small innocent child and I never was able to have a normal childhood because of this monster. I was never able to be exposed to sex in a loving caring manner and I didn't get to choose what I knew and didn't know and how I knew it. I was a victim and my innocence was stolen from me. I've been to therapy by my own choice, my mom never offered it to me. I sought it out as an adult after Dawson was born and I spiraled out of control with post partum anxiety and depression. I was so worried that I was going to screw my son up by not protecting him enough that I became super obsessive with making sure nothing ever happened to him. I still am VERY protective of him and now Allie too. I'm so worried that someone will harm them the way that I was harmed and their lives will be changed forever.

I don't know why I've been so ashamed of this. I don't know why. I now know that it's normal. I know that most survivors feel this way. I also know that I've used sex as a way to punish myself over the years. Punish myself for the abuse that I didn't cause. Punish myself because obviously I didn't deserve to be loved or cared about and that I was a lesser person because of my abuse. I couldn't have sex without being ashamed and this includes my husband. Sex was not intimate. Sex was something that just happened because it wasn't a loving act for me. My husband says I'm not affectionate. I don't know how to be affectionate towards men. My kids I can show affection for all day long, but a man is a different story. I don't know how he saw past all of this and married me anyway. I'm working on this. Sex has changed too. I no longer have to will myself through the act. I no longer feel ashamed and embarrassed. I can actually enjoy it. I don't feel dirty and like I want to hide in a corner afterwards. My husband loves me and I love him and sex isn't something that is meant to punish someone. Certainly not by my husband. Finally, I can show him some affection and enjoy something that is meant to be enjoyed. But it took A LOT A LOT of time for that to happen. I don't trust easy and I don't let people get close to me because I'm scared I'll get hurt. If someone who was supposed to love me and protect me could harm me to my core anyone can. I still have major issues with trust, but in order to heal I have to trust and I have to put this out there. I can't keep it a secret. No one and I do mean no one knows my story fully. I'm not ready to tell it. My best friend doesn't know anything about this. My husband and my mom know snip its and that's all. Why is it so taboo to talk about these types of things? It shouldn't be. Children that are abused deserve to be able to talk about it without being judged. Without feeling like they are being harmed all over again. They need someone to tell them it's not their fault, it's nothing shameful and that they can get past it and live a good life. A different life than non abused children, but a good life.

I wanted to put this in writing for many reasons. One so it's not a secret anymore. It doesn't have to be my secret and it's not going to be any longer. I need freedom from the restraints of keeping that secret. 2-because someone else putting it in writing may have saved my marriage and my sanity.

Allie: 6 weeks, what I've learned.

In 6 short weeks I've really learned a lot. But this week in particular I learned a very valuable lesson (Or I really realized it, I think I've known it since D was born) That lesson is:

The days are long, but the years are short.

See sometimes I feel like I'm drowning in house work, and I'll realize that it's only been oh 6 hours since I've been awake and yet I haven't had time to brush my teeth. Allie is not like Dawson in that I can put her down and she'll sleep for 2 hours. She barely will sleep for 20 minutes during the day unless you're holding her. It's actually pretty exhausting in that every few hours I'm rushing around like mad to get the laundry done or the dishes washed and put away. Nevermind getting showered, dressed and out the door. It IS a lot of work. And it IS at least 3 times harder than when I just had D. But I'm getting her first smiles and she's noticing things now and it's wonderful that I'm here to see it. I forget about most of this when she smiles at me. However, this is definitely a learning process. I know in a couple of years when she's chasing after her brother and he's chasing her back that I'll forget how hard these days are and just remember the good things about them...and now she's up again!

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What you don't know about being a Stay at Home Mom

When I really wanted to quit my full time job and stay at home with D I didn't realize how lonely this choice would be. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my children. I love being with them and I'm so glad that I'm the one with them 99% of the time and making the decisions for them and raising them and feeding them and loving them. It's amazing to me that my husband works so hard for us. I'm so grateful to him for that. BUT it's a very lonely job. I'm with 2 small children all day EVERY day. I don't get weekends off, sick days, and at 5 my job is still going strong. When Daniel's on shift I really am all alone with 2 small children all day. I don't have a strong friend connection as often happens when you grow up. My friends have grown up and have lives of their own and while we talk we don't get together much. Plus as I've found it's WAY harder to get out of the house with 2 than with 1. I haven't had 10 minutes to myself since Allie was born. Sometimes we all need a break. I need a break. Dawson won't spend the night away from home, even though he used to love staying with his grandparents. He doesn't even like to go over there without me. It's killing me. He doesn't even want to go with his Dad unless I'm going to. I REALLY REALLY think he has a pretty moderate case of separation anxiety and I'm going to talk to his pediatrician about it to see what we need to do. Most likely he'll have to see a child psychologist and hopefully we can get this under control before kindergarten. He's constantly telling me he worries about me and is nervous when I'm not with him. He's 3! He has a GREAT life with no reason to feel this way. He's genuinely scared when I'm not with him. He didn't use to be like this. I think it's my fault since I quit work and am with him all the time. He was fine when he was in daycare full time but when he went part time it all changed. I don't know what to do to fix this for him.

Do my children look alike?

I think that they do. Mostly everyone thinks so. Let's examine this.

Allie at Birth

D at birth

D sometime around 7 weeks (I think)

Allie 5 weeks

Allie 5 weeks

What I've learned:

I am very blessed.

Really?

If you tell my husband about this post, I'll deny it til I die and delete it immediately, but it's definitely worth mentioning since I've really thought about it a lot.

I thought for sure after D was born that we'd have one more child. ONE more child. Just one. I thought for sure when I was pregnant with Allie that we would be done. I really thought we would be done when we found out Allie was a girl. I knew I'd never want another and that would be the end of my pregnancy days.

Parenting 2 children is at least twice as hard as one, so far. I was at a point with Dawson where I could literally do whatever I wanted. Go to the store? Throw him in the car and off we go. No diaper bag needed. No bottles, no physically feeding him. I mean he's almost 3. He can do a lot by himself now. Then Allie was born and I've had to slow down. She's only 5 weeks old (tomorrow) but she's definitely a handful.

BUT all of that said...I don't have that "we're done" feeling. I really don't. Everyone says that you'll just know when you're done. But I don't know that, not yet. Maybe it will hit me later. Maybe I'm different and don't "just know" and I'll just have to go with the flow, but it would not shock me if in a few years we decide to have just one more. It also wouldn't surprise me if we never ever go back to baby days and seriously enjoy raising our 2 babies.