Tonight, I'm going to be talking about my last post. You know the one that said I have stopped my birth control and am letting things happen. So here, I'm laying it on the line...I'm scared shitless of having another child. I want another child. I want Dawson to have a sibling. I want him to have a sibling before he's too old to play with one. But, I'm honest to God terrified of another child. As most of you know, Dawson did not sleep well AT all for the first 18 months of his life and only very recently started sleeping through the night and it's certainly not every single night. What if my next child is like this? What if i spend the next 5 years running off of very little sleep again? And, I've only very recently been able to get a break at night before I go to bed to just breathe. I need that time to relax and unwind from the day and to let all of that go....again...freaks me out. What if the baby has colic? What if Dawson hates being a big brother? What if Dawson tries to hurt the baby? What if I don't love the baby as much as Dawson...and most importantly, what if my first born feels rejected and lonely because Mommy and Daddy are busy with a baby....
Logically, I shouldn't even worry about this. I'm not pregnant. I have no idea when I'll be pregnant it could be a year from now....but it's still super scary to think about. Going from no kids to one kid wasn't so scary. I had no expectations because I honestly didn't have a clue what to expect...and while learning was fun, I'm settled into a pretty good routine and now I'm going to let it get all unsettled again...am I really ready for this?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
3 Years Ago...
So 3 years ago today, I signed up on Fertility Friend to track my cycles since my husband and I were actively trying to conceive. 12/17/07 was the first day of the first cycle I ever tracked. Today, 12/17/2010 is 3 years later and I have just logged into FF for the first time since April 2008. I'm tracking my cycles again, and found it oddly coincidental that exactly 3 years ago I started the adventure that led me to Dawson. Now here I am at the very beginning of another adventure. One that may lead to me to an entirely different child....a second child. I don't know if this is just a coincidence, but it's certainly has me thinking about fate and chances, etc.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thanksgiving.
When I was 2, my mom divorced my father. I, still, to this day do not know the logistics of their relationship. How long they dated before they got married, why they divorced, how life was for me those first 2 years...I know nothing of it. I guess I've never asked my mom. Or I never wanted to know. You see, growing up, my father was in and out constantly. He would be around for a few weekends, then not for a year or so....this was a vicious cycle that I allowed to continue until I was 20. Then, I said no more. I've had zero contact with him since then. I've actually been in the same room or house with him since then (b/c I still have a relationship with my grandparents) and I've actually not spoken to him. While I used to be angry as hell and hurt to the core that he could just abandon me like that..... I've made peace with it, mostly. I still don't understand it and he'll never truly see the pain he caused me. He'll never know how he screwed my life up but just not being around. Still, to this day I have severe abandonment issues...and I'm certain this is why I got married young and why I never have left my child for more than 16 hours...in 2 years. But, all of this has taught me a wonderful lesson.
Growing up, when I was down about my father being anything but a father my mom would always tell me to be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I don't. I've been reminded to not only remember the great things in life every now and then but every day. To love and cherish family and friends and to focus on what's good. This isn't always easy. Especially on bad days. (Days where we've been negative in the bank and needed gas in the car...of course the mortgage was paid and payday was only a couple of days away...and in the meantime my wonderful in laws were willing to help. I've learned to budget....the hard way.
But this wouldn't be a typical Thanksgiving Day post without a list....so here it goes.
Obviously, my son. He's the typical toddler and gives me a run for my money, but he's my heart and I have never, in my life, experienced a love like the one I have for him. Our bond is unbreakable and I couldn't imagine life without him.
My husband. We may not always get along, but I love that man like there's no tomorrow. He knows my flaws and loves me anyway. He forgives me for my stupid mistakes and bad moods...and he's a great man and a great father.
My mother. She's a strong woman who's been through more hell in her life than I could ever imagine...but she loves us girls and is always here when we need her...even now, that we're all grown up.
My sisters. There is no more annoying thing in the world than siblings...there's also nothing in the world that compares to them. Sure, we bicker and and complain but in the end, I know my sisters have my back and I have theirs. I don't even know if they realize how important they are to me. Unconditional love was first shown to me by my sisters. We've held each other during the bad times. Spent the night in each other's beds. Laughed til we cried. Cried til we couldn't breathe. Stood by each other and just been an ear to speak to. I love these two girls and they make up a huge part of who I am. I can't remember childhood memories where they weren't there, and I wouldn't want to. I see the wonderfulness in both of them, even when they are having a less than wonderful moment. They aren't perfect, but I love them, imperfections and all and I hope when I'm old, that they'll be by my side as we watch our grandchildren play.
My in-laws-My in-laws have treated me like family from day one. They've welcomed me into their home and loved me like I was one of their own. They treat my son like he's the most amazing child on earth and he couldn't be more in love with them if he tried. They are great people and I'm blessed to be part of their family.
While I try to be thankful every single day for my blessings, I know that today I will remember to be thankful and to remind those important to me how much I appreciate and love them.
Growing up, when I was down about my father being anything but a father my mom would always tell me to be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I don't. I've been reminded to not only remember the great things in life every now and then but every day. To love and cherish family and friends and to focus on what's good. This isn't always easy. Especially on bad days. (Days where we've been negative in the bank and needed gas in the car...of course the mortgage was paid and payday was only a couple of days away...and in the meantime my wonderful in laws were willing to help. I've learned to budget....the hard way.
But this wouldn't be a typical Thanksgiving Day post without a list....so here it goes.
Obviously, my son. He's the typical toddler and gives me a run for my money, but he's my heart and I have never, in my life, experienced a love like the one I have for him. Our bond is unbreakable and I couldn't imagine life without him.
My husband. We may not always get along, but I love that man like there's no tomorrow. He knows my flaws and loves me anyway. He forgives me for my stupid mistakes and bad moods...and he's a great man and a great father.
My mother. She's a strong woman who's been through more hell in her life than I could ever imagine...but she loves us girls and is always here when we need her...even now, that we're all grown up.
My sisters. There is no more annoying thing in the world than siblings...there's also nothing in the world that compares to them. Sure, we bicker and and complain but in the end, I know my sisters have my back and I have theirs. I don't even know if they realize how important they are to me. Unconditional love was first shown to me by my sisters. We've held each other during the bad times. Spent the night in each other's beds. Laughed til we cried. Cried til we couldn't breathe. Stood by each other and just been an ear to speak to. I love these two girls and they make up a huge part of who I am. I can't remember childhood memories where they weren't there, and I wouldn't want to. I see the wonderfulness in both of them, even when they are having a less than wonderful moment. They aren't perfect, but I love them, imperfections and all and I hope when I'm old, that they'll be by my side as we watch our grandchildren play.
My in-laws-My in-laws have treated me like family from day one. They've welcomed me into their home and loved me like I was one of their own. They treat my son like he's the most amazing child on earth and he couldn't be more in love with them if he tried. They are great people and I'm blessed to be part of their family.
While I try to be thankful every single day for my blessings, I know that today I will remember to be thankful and to remind those important to me how much I appreciate and love them.
Monday, November 22, 2010
What a week!!
Today I worked and then after work I went to Gattitown (similar to chuck e cheese, without the mascot) with my sister and nephew. I enjoyed watching D and my nephew, who is 13 months older than D play together...it was so much fun and it makes me want another child ASAP. I can't wait to watch D play with his sibling.
Tomorrow-Is my last day at my full time job. Friday is my technical last day, but that brings me to Wednesday.
Wednesday-D's getting his second set of tubes and his adenoids taken out.
Thursday-Thanksgiving dinner with two families; mine and the hubbies. And I need to squeeze nap time in there somewhere.
Friday-I'm actually done Christmas shopping so I don't know if I'll hit up black Friday sales or not...but we'll see.
Tomorrow-Is my last day at my full time job. Friday is my technical last day, but that brings me to Wednesday.
Wednesday-D's getting his second set of tubes and his adenoids taken out.
Thursday-Thanksgiving dinner with two families; mine and the hubbies. And I need to squeeze nap time in there somewhere.
Friday-I'm actually done Christmas shopping so I don't know if I'll hit up black Friday sales or not...but we'll see.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
What disgusts me.
When I see things like this...I want to throw up. What type of world are we living in? Where it's okay for parents (step parents, ARE parents) to harm and even kill their children? Caylee Anthony, Kyron Horman, Zahra Baker, and those are just three that come mind. These innocent children, who only loved and trusted their protectors...and those protectors turned on them. In my mind, there is a special place in hell for people who harm children. (yes, I realize that in all 3 examples, no one has been found guilty of harming these children, but with the facts that lead to the suspicions, you can't deny that it's pretty obvious that these children were harmed in some way shape or form by their parents/step-parents.)
I had always heard that a mother's love was indescribable. And, it really is. The mere thought of harming my child makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot imagine the evil a person must have inside themselves to hurt their child. Love doesn't even describe what I feel for my child. I don't understand how people that only want to harm children and repeatedly abuse children are given the gift of parenthood...when there are people in this world that would only love and cherish children that they may never have. I know it's not my place to judge or decide, but working in pediatrics I see cases of children that are harmed and killed daily. Shaken Babies, neglected children, physically, sexually, mentally abused children that will never know what it's like to just be loved and adored. It's so unfair.
I had always heard that a mother's love was indescribable. And, it really is. The mere thought of harming my child makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot imagine the evil a person must have inside themselves to hurt their child. Love doesn't even describe what I feel for my child. I don't understand how people that only want to harm children and repeatedly abuse children are given the gift of parenthood...when there are people in this world that would only love and cherish children that they may never have. I know it's not my place to judge or decide, but working in pediatrics I see cases of children that are harmed and killed daily. Shaken Babies, neglected children, physically, sexually, mentally abused children that will never know what it's like to just be loved and adored. It's so unfair.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Can't sleep.
I'm up. I'm not even tired. I have to work tomorrow. I miss my husband. He's away for 6 days and that's 3 days longer than we've ever been apart. My heart is aching and he's only been gone a day. He left this morning at 4:30. Once upon a time, I loved the nights when I was alone. I could do and watch whatever I wanted and go to bed whenever I felt like it. Now I miss the warmth of my husband in the bed next to me. I miss the scent of his aftershave and the comfort of waking up in the middle of the night and knowing he is there. Sure, he'll be home Friday night...and I'm certainly used to being alone, especially during the night shift part of his tour. But, I still miss him. I'm really looking forward to the changes that are coming up in our family. But first, some things I'm not looking forward to...
Dawson has to get another set of tubes on the 24th and his adenoids taken out. He's had more ear infections than I can count in the last year and that's with tubes...so when I was told they had come out a couple of weeks ago (when he had pneumonia) I immediately called the ENT and made an appointment to talk about them going back in. Couple that with the fact that the deductible will have to be paid again come January 1, I felt like we should go ahead and get it over with. His ENT thinks the adenoids need to come out too, so we'll do all of that at the same time. It's never easy to see your child taken from your arms to go to the ER even if it is a tiny procedure that is super common. Now that he's older than he was at 14 months, I dread the sound of his cries and screams when they come to take him from me to go to the OR. The thought of that brings me to tears and breaks my heart.
But we'll get past it and he'll hopefully have fewer to no ear problems from here on out. 11/23 is my last day at my full time position. I start training for my new part time position on the 29th. I'm looking forward to this change more than I can explain, but I'm also a tiny bit apprehensive. I have faith that it will all work out though. Where there's a will there's a way.
Dawson has to get another set of tubes on the 24th and his adenoids taken out. He's had more ear infections than I can count in the last year and that's with tubes...so when I was told they had come out a couple of weeks ago (when he had pneumonia) I immediately called the ENT and made an appointment to talk about them going back in. Couple that with the fact that the deductible will have to be paid again come January 1, I felt like we should go ahead and get it over with. His ENT thinks the adenoids need to come out too, so we'll do all of that at the same time. It's never easy to see your child taken from your arms to go to the ER even if it is a tiny procedure that is super common. Now that he's older than he was at 14 months, I dread the sound of his cries and screams when they come to take him from me to go to the OR. The thought of that brings me to tears and breaks my heart.
But we'll get past it and he'll hopefully have fewer to no ear problems from here on out. 11/23 is my last day at my full time position. I start training for my new part time position on the 29th. I'm looking forward to this change more than I can explain, but I'm also a tiny bit apprehensive. I have faith that it will all work out though. Where there's a will there's a way.
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