Okay, I’m just going to put it out there….and anyone that disagrees with me or doesn’t believe me…is WRONG* Seriously, I’m not normally like this, but after 11 months, I can tell you FOR SURE, with 100% certainty that having a baby puts one hell of a strain on your marriage. There, I’ve admitted it. I’m being honest….and I’m here to tell you that your marriage CAN survive this strain, but you have to be honest about it and admit that it’s happened. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my son with my life, I wouldn’t take anything in the world for him, and he’s worth every amount of marital strain. But, after ignoring this growing problem for 11 months, my marriage was on the verge of falling apart, and I had to combat it. The first step was admitting that I had literally let my marriage fall to the wayside, while trying to be the perfect parent. Seriously. I had/have (not sure I’m over this yet) this image of a “text book” mom and I wouldn’t/couldn’t be satisfied until I was her. Well, I’ll NEVER be that person. I’ll say this, I consider myself to be a damn good mom. My child is happy, healthy, loved and I put every ounce I have into parenting him. I’ve put myself under so much stress of trying to live up to this textbook parent that I took the fun out of being a mom. I’ve literally cried myself to sleep thinking I was ruining my child b/c he fell off the bed, or b/c I had to walk out of the room when I was frustrated with him. I was focusing so much attention on being this parent that I couldn’t focus on ANYTHING else, let alone my marriage. Now, my husband has been great through all of this. He’s been attempting to ignore the problem too, but eventually no one can ignore the obviously very large issue of not working on my marriage and totally ignoring that I’m married. Thank goodness I realized this before it was too late, and now my marriage is, once again, a work in progress.
Sex, well that’s VERY DIFFICULT with a child in the house….for most people. Now, I’ll tell you, I do have issues with my vajayjay now. I just very recently learned that I actually had a 4th degree cut/tear when I gave birth, and sex is still painful. On top of being painful, I’ve had a really hard time with my vagina being viewed as anything other than a birth place. I know that this is nuts, but being a mom made my sex drive go lower than low, it’s past non existent, it’s like it was never around in the first place. This is something that I have to work on , and it’s currently a work in progress. I never realized how important sex is to a marriage til there wasn’t any. Ladies, any advice I can give you is keep giving it up to your man, even when you don’t want to. Sex is HUGE in a marriage. Even if no one wants to admit it, it is.
Personal time totally flies out the window the day you give birth. Not joking! And for 11 months I forgot to take MY time…and it’s caught up with me, so now I’ll be taking my time often. At least once a couple of weeks. I’m still a person and I need to be able to have my own personal time to do whatever I want to do. Even if it’s just take a nap or watch a movie. And, I’m not talking time to clean the bathroom or do laundry, I’m talking time to get a pedicure or go shopping or watch what I want on TV. Cleaning the house and cooking dinner and taking care of chores and running errands is NOT personal time. Remember to take a break when you need one.
Lastly, communicate with your man. I literally hid all of the above for 11 months from my husband…I even hid the fact that I had post partum depression from him, and hid my meds. I don’t know why, I guess I thought he would judge me and tell my MIL who before I even gave birth told me PPD wasn’t real and it was an excuse women used not to be a good parent. Well, surprise surprise, she’s WRONG. PPD is real and I had it and I’ve beat it…but I hid it from my husband b/c I was scared of the judging I would get. That was stupid of me, and not something I’ll do again. If I’m going to have a strong marriage, I must communicate openly and honestly and about EVERYTHING with my man. So that’s my goal.
So to sum it up, here’s my list of goals:
1. Remember I’m married and work on my marriage the way that I did prior to having a baby.
2. Take personal time when I need it, and don’t feel guilty about it.
3. Have a healthy active sex life, even if I don’ t want to.
4. Communicate openly.
So all of the above is totally achievable, but you have to not feel guilty about it. Guilt is what has kept me in this rut the last 11 months. I thought I was being selfish and a bad mom when I did any of the above.I thought if I took the time to work on my marriage then my child would be neglected, or if I went shopping for a few hours, then I was being a bad mom for not spending that time with my child. But, when I get a break and have time to enjoy my husband or get a pedicure without having to worry about bottles and food and naps and baths, etc...I am a better mom. I can’t neglect myself, my husband, or my child, but I can take the time for all 3 to be the best they can possibly be.
*okay, you may not be wrong, but you are in the smallest minority ever, the more I talk about this, the more I realize it's TOTALLY normal.
6 comments:
Mandie, I see a lot of myself in your post, especially from when Melody was a baby. This time around with Ian was easier, but it is a big adjustment for me to switch from mommy to wife, even on a day to day basis, nevermind the adjustment after giving birth and not being able to do anything for 6 weeks and then being too exhausted anyway. I have finally admitted to myself is attempting to multitask is dumb. Actually, I learned something in a class at work last week that hit me hard..."People are not tasks".
I do want you to know that when you were posting on the board, I always enjoyed reading what you wrote...you were a source of a lot of smiles!
I haven't got the personal time thing figured out either. I try to mix it in (again, with the people who I just said aren't tasks), by watching some tv while being with my family I feel guilty leaving the kids for too long. But its also sad when I escape to the store alone and it feels like a mini vacation. lol
Anyway, you aren't alone. =)
Mandie, you are mostly certainly not alone. Any mother who claims to have not felt at least a portion of what you are going through is simply lying. I faced so many of these same issues after David came along & ignored them. Then we got pregnant with Joshua & I pushed the issues even further under the rug.
All I can tell you is that your post really made me step back & realize that this isn't something we mommies should face in silence or solitude. I think you are taking a huge step by putting it out there & making an effort to work on it. In our society people so often go for the "quick-fix" but you nailed it when you called all of this a work-in-progress.
Big (((hugs))) to you. Looking forward to hearing about your progress.
You should read the book, "I was a really good mom before I had kids." I know what it's like to be a MAJOR perfectionist, especially when it comes to kids (imagine having OCD and anxiety issues while trying to be the perfect parent and you'll get a glimpse into my life). This book was a HUGE help for me, and I know it will be for you to! I cannot recommend it enough! Here's a link to the author's blog/site, and they have a link on there to order the book on Amazon:
http://www.reallygoodmom.com/books/i-was-a-really-good-mom-before-i-had-kids/
READ IT! You'll be glad you did!
Karen thanks for the advice, I'm picking it up today!
Lisa and Dawn...thank you for letting me know I'm normal!
Mandie's floodgates have opened! Glad you got it out and it sounds like you're on the right road!
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