Do stay at home moms realize the luxury that they have? I long for this, I want to stay home. I want to cry when I go to work b/c that means I'm leaving Dawson with a sitter and she's doing all the work, and he'll rather be with her than me, at some point. And that breaks my heart. I want to quit. I want to stay home with my son. I want to raise him. I want him to want to be with me more than anyone else. I wish I didn't have bills. I wish Daniel made more money. I wish I had married rich. I wish I could be with my son all the time. Simple fact is, I can NOT afford it. I just can't. I hate this, and I'm miserable. I just want to have enough money to pay my bills and be with Dawson. I wonder if there's something out there that I could do, at night even, and still be able to stay with him.
My marriage is crumbling. I find myself not even wanting to be around Daniel right now. He needs my attention, Dawson gets all my attention and everything else just gets neglected. I long for Daniel's nights at work, so atleast while I'm doing all the work, I'm not mad at him for not helping...and he does help, he just doesn't help the way that I want him too, and it's not fair for me to tell him how to help. He's an amazing father, but he doesn't understand that I'm only one person, and I can't be the main person for everyone. I need my time too, and when I take it, he acts all bitter about it. No we don't have sex often, I'm tired! My son doesn't sleep, so I'm up all night, work atleast 40 hours a week, and well when I look at the bed, I think sleep.
I've got to make some changes in my life. I've got to get my marriage back to a healthy level. Daniel, myself and Dawson are suffering b/c of this and they don't even know it. I spend so much time worrying about them, that I forget that I'm important too, and if I'm not taken care of, no one is truly taken care of.
It's hard being the rock of a family.
13 comments:
((((hugs)))) I'm sorry Mandie. We are going through the same thing right now... prayers that both of our families make it through in one piece.
PT&P being sent your way. I wish I could offer advise, but I can listen. I care about you and hope/pray you find a way to ease some of your pressures.
Mandie...first off...(((big hugs)))...being a new mommy is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through.
If being a SAHM is truly what you want, then I soooo wish it for you. I know that I am so fortunate to be able to have this time with my children...we have been so blessed.
I remember back in the beginning of the expecting club when you were very firm on wanting to go back to work. I remember thinking that same thing when I was pg with Mallory...then these little beings come into our lives and completely rewire our brains I think. They turn everything that we thought we knew into a big pile of hooey. We had to make some big changes for me to be able to stay at home...but we saved money on gas, childcare and I had more time to bargain shop for things like groceries and such. Keep praying about it hun...things might work themselves out so that you will be able to stay with that precious baby of yours.
((hugs)) I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, Mandie. I'm saying a prayer for your family.
About being a SAHM...is there anything you can do without in order to ease the burden of your either not working or reducing your hours? We definitely don't live a glamorous life. Giving up my income meant giving up a lot of "extras," but it has been so worth it. I really hope you can work something out, Mandie.
Thanks guys. I've already cut the cable to as basic as it can be...and I'd like to cut the house line, but of course that would cut the alarm system and our internet since it's done through DSL. The other things are just debts I'm going to have to pay. It just sucks.
Oh sweetie. I can understand. I work and am also a SAHM. I think if you are a SAHM - you sometimes wish you were at work. When you are at work - you wish you were a SAHM. At least that is my experience. I have had both.
There is no right or wrong here. Dawson loves YOU as his mommy. You are doing what is RIGHT for you. It may not be how you dreamt it to be - but right now...you are doing what is right for your family. It doesn't mean that it can't change later on, but for now...this is the right choice.
Oh the things you learn about yourself when you have a new child. I could feel your pain in your post. I can TOTALLY relate to it too.
Step by step right now. The first year (or two as I am learning) is a HUGE adjustment. The tension with you and Daniel, as sad as I am to admit it, is normal too. Sex changes. Patience changes. Everything changes.
Change sucks but I promise you this...YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. All three of you will learn to adjust and grow through this - and because of THAT...you will have a successful family.
I am here if you ever need to vent! Just email me! :)
My first reaction (after huge hugs of course) is that I think both SAHMs and working moms want the grass of the other pasture. I love staying home with my boys and do feel it's a great privledge. I also wish I had an escape like a job to get some adult time and to get a break from my kids. I don't think there is a right or wrong way to do it. My mom worked and I am smart, independent, and well rounded. I have a friend who's mom stayed home and she's the same way. You have to do what's right for Dawson and your family. Right now that means working, it doesn't mean you have to work forever though.
Marriages. Well they're hard and they take work. I will tell you from my experience that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. Fake it till you make it (that's my motto). Men need to be wanted just like women do. They also sometimes need to be told what to do and how to do it (in a respectful way). The hardest, but most important thing to do, is try and throw out all expectations of how you think your DH should behave. He's learning to parent just like you are. Talk about it often. Agree to disagree sometimes. Hug. Kiss. Hold hands. You guys are strong and you will make it. Just remember sometimes love is a choice, and it's worth it. :)
((((HUGS)))) Please please email me if you need help. Christopher have survived some very dark times and I'd love to listen, and offer my advice if you want it.
((((HUGS))))
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how hard it is to realize that now that this little person has entered your life all the things you thought about yourself have changed. Being a SAHM is a tough job, I have moments when I wonder if my son would have been better off if I had gone back to work, but I know plenty of moms who wonder the opposite. As mother's we always have guilt regardless of what we choose.
When I knew I wanted to be home for my son, I did my research. I found an article that gave advice on how to decide if it can work for you financially. They said to add up all of your bills including childcare costs, add up your combined income and compare the 2. In our situation for me to work and have my son in day care would have put us $200 in the whole every single month. So we looked at the bills, our spending habits, and then decided we could make it work. We had to cut back on extras, and I fine tuned my bargain shopping, and deal hunting. We had to plan ahead for the "fun" stuff and for emergencies. But we made it work. I don't know your situation, but I honestly didn't think there was any way that I could stay home until I did the math. We sacrificed a lot but it has been worth it. Plus it will not be forever, at some point you will want your son to go to preschool if for nothing else but the interaction with other kids. That is what we did and I got a part-time job, that I could work while he was at school. Believe me I didn't marry rich, my husband doesn't make a ton of money, and we had debt, but we worked it out. I hope you can too.
If you are interested in working at home, you might offer to babysit the children of friends or family. If that is not for you I suggest visiting this website www.womenforhire.com it is the website of Tory Johnson from Good Morning America. They have a list of work from home opportunities. They have checked them out to ensure that they are not scams.
As far as your relationship with your husband, I will give you advice based on what I know worked for us. Establish a date night at least once a month. Talk to your parents, in-laws, or other trusted family or friends, ask if they will agree to keep Dawson overnight or for a few hours, whatever you are comfortable with, once a month. If you are lucky you might get 2 date nights out of it. Take that time to be a COUPLE, not parents, not Dawson's mommy and daddy. For that time just be Mandi & Daniel, a couple in love. Even if you just order in, just enjoy each other. Honestly there are times that my hubby and I go grocery shopping or run errands during our time, but we get to do it together with nothing to focus on but each other. If the two of you are happy as a couple, then you will be better parents.
I hope that anything I said helps. I am sending truck loads of P&PT your way. I am sure that you can work it out.
Oh Mandie, thanks for sharing such a tough thing with us. I totally get the work thing. I was very ready to go back to work and the past month I have been in tears nearly every night- I realize I just want to stay home. The fact is, I can't.
I think having twins has been a blessing for us (marriagewise). There is no way I could do it myself and my husband works just as hard as I do- he actually has more "alone" time with the boys since I work overnight and have someone here during the day with me while I sleep. It's just how it's worked out for us.
I've cut everything back to basic, we've cut down on our eating out etc. I was a bargain shopper already and I still can't see a way to make it work with me staying home. I keep hoping for a light to shine on an opportunity so I can make this happen.
I'm praying for you and your boys and hoping something pops up that makes it easier for you. We Mama's deserve to have this time with our babies.
I'm sorry you are having a rough time Mandie. I know it stinks that you have to work but you are doing what is right for your son. If you didn't work he'd have to do without. So eventhough its not your ideal sitution its the right decsion.
p.s. This Dawn(tickled_pink1113) from Ivillage I'm not sure if you remember me or not but I just found your blog through Devin's blog.
Mandie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I don't know how you do it. 40 hours is a lot of time. You're AMAZING!
And yes, I do realize its' a luxury but money is TIGHT. Tighter than I realized. God, I hope I don't have to go back :(
Hey Dawn!! I do remember you! Send me your email so I can request to be a blog friend!
My email address is arkansasweetie@gmail.com.
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