Thanksgiving.

When I was 2, my mom divorced my father. I, still, to this day do not know the logistics of their relationship. How long they dated before they got married, why they divorced, how life was for me those first 2 years...I know nothing of it. I guess I've never asked my mom. Or I never wanted to know. You see, growing up, my father was in and out constantly. He would be around for a few weekends, then not for a year or so....this was a vicious cycle that I allowed to continue until I was 20. Then, I said no more. I've had zero contact with him since then. I've actually been in the same room or house with him since then (b/c I still have a relationship with my grandparents) and I've actually not spoken to him. While I used to be angry as hell and hurt to the core that he could just abandon me like that..... I've made peace with it, mostly. I still don't understand it and he'll never truly see the pain he caused me. He'll never know how he screwed my life up but just not being around. Still, to this day I have severe abandonment issues...and I'm certain this is why I got married young and why I never have left my child for more than 16 hours...in 2 years. But, all of this has taught me a wonderful lesson.

Growing up, when I was down about my father being anything but a father my mom would always tell me to be thankful for what I have and not focus on what I don't. I've been reminded to not only  remember the great things in life every now and then but every day. To love and cherish family and friends and to focus on what's good. This isn't always easy. Especially on bad days. (Days where we've been negative in the bank and needed gas in the car...of course the mortgage was paid and payday was only a couple of days away...and in the meantime my wonderful in laws were willing to help. I've learned to budget....the hard way.

But this wouldn't be a typical Thanksgiving Day post without a list....so here it goes.

Obviously, my son. He's the typical toddler and gives me a run for my money, but he's my heart and I have never, in my life, experienced a love like the one I have for him. Our bond is unbreakable and I couldn't imagine life without him.

My husband. We may not always get along, but I love that man like there's no tomorrow. He knows my flaws and loves me anyway. He forgives me for my stupid mistakes and bad moods...and he's a great man and a great father.

My mother. She's a strong woman who's been through more hell in her life than I could ever imagine...but she loves us girls and is always here when we need her...even now, that we're all grown up.

My sisters. There is no more annoying thing in the world than siblings...there's also nothing in the world that compares to them. Sure, we bicker and and complain but in the end, I know my sisters have my back and I have theirs. I don't even know if they realize how important they are to me. Unconditional love was first shown to me by my sisters. We've held each other during the bad times. Spent the night in each other's beds. Laughed til we cried. Cried til we couldn't breathe. Stood by each other and just been an ear to speak to. I love these two girls and they make up a huge part of who I am. I can't remember childhood memories where they weren't there, and I wouldn't want to. I see the wonderfulness in both of them, even when they are having a less than wonderful moment. They aren't perfect, but I love them, imperfections and all and I hope when I'm old, that they'll be by my side as we watch our grandchildren play.

My in-laws-My in-laws have treated me like family from day one. They've welcomed me into their home and loved me like I was one of their own. They treat my son like he's the most amazing child on earth and he couldn't be more in love with them if he tried. They are great people and I'm blessed to be part of their family.

While I try to be thankful every single day for my blessings, I know that today I will remember to be thankful and to remind those important to me how much I appreciate and love them.

What a week!!

Today I worked and then after work I went to Gattitown (similar to chuck e cheese, without the mascot) with my sister and nephew. I enjoyed watching D and my nephew, who is 13 months older than D play together...it was so much fun and it makes me want another child ASAP. I can't wait to watch D play with his sibling.

Tomorrow-Is my last day at my full time job. Friday is my technical last day, but that brings me to Wednesday.

Wednesday-D's getting his second set of tubes and his adenoids taken out.

Thursday-Thanksgiving dinner with two families; mine and the hubbies. And I need to squeeze nap time in there somewhere.

Friday-I'm actually done Christmas shopping so I don't know if I'll hit up black Friday sales or not...but we'll see.

Guess who's sick...AGAIN?! Yeah, D is. FML

What disgusts me.

When I see things like this...I want to throw up. What type of world are we living in? Where it's okay for parents (step parents, ARE parents) to harm and even kill their children? Caylee Anthony, Kyron Horman, Zahra Baker, and those are just three that come mind. These innocent children, who only loved and trusted their protectors...and those protectors turned on them. In my mind, there is a special place in hell for people who harm children. (yes, I realize that in all 3 examples, no one has been found guilty of harming these children, but with the facts that lead to the suspicions, you can't deny that it's pretty obvious that these children were harmed in some way shape or form by their parents/step-parents.)

I had always heard that a mother's love was indescribable. And, it really is. The mere thought of harming my child makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot imagine the evil a person  must have inside themselves to hurt their child. Love doesn't even describe what I feel for my child. I don't understand how people that only want to harm children and repeatedly abuse children are given the gift of parenthood...when there are people in this world that would only love and cherish children that they may never have. I know it's not my place to judge or decide, but working in pediatrics I see cases of children that are harmed and killed daily. Shaken Babies, neglected children, physically, sexually, mentally abused children that will never know what it's like to just be loved and adored. It's so unfair.

Can't sleep.

I'm up. I'm not even tired. I have to work tomorrow. I miss my husband. He's away for 6 days and that's 3 days longer than we've ever been apart. My heart is aching and he's only been gone a day. He left this morning at 4:30. Once upon a time, I loved the nights when I was alone. I could do and watch whatever I wanted and go to bed whenever I felt like it. Now I miss the warmth of my husband in the bed next to me. I miss the scent of his aftershave and the comfort of waking up in the middle of the night and knowing he is there. Sure, he'll be home Friday night...and I'm certainly used to being alone, especially during the night shift part of his tour. But, I still miss him. I'm really looking forward to the changes that are coming up in our family. But first, some things I'm not looking forward to...
Dawson has to get another set of tubes on the 24th and his adenoids taken out. He's had more ear infections than I can count in the last year and that's with tubes...so when I was told they had come out a couple of weeks ago (when he had pneumonia) I immediately called the ENT and made an appointment to talk about them going back in. Couple that with the fact that the deductible will have to be paid again come January 1, I felt like we should go ahead and get it over with. His ENT thinks the adenoids need to come out too, so we'll do all of that at the same time. It's never easy to see your child taken from your arms to go to the ER even if it is a tiny procedure that is super common. Now that he's older than he was at 14 months, I dread the sound of his cries and screams when they come to take him from me to go to the OR. The thought of that brings me to tears and breaks my heart.

But we'll get past it and he'll hopefully have fewer to no ear problems from here on out. 11/23 is my last day at my full time position. I start training for my new part time position on the 29th. I'm looking forward to this change more than I can explain, but I'm also a tiny bit apprehensive. I have faith that it will all work out though. Where there's a will there's a way.

Happy Holidays!!

It’s that time again…you know…time to start planning the holidays. If you’re like most people, holiday cards are on your list, but definitely further down than presents, food prep, travels, etc. You’ll probably through something together last minute….well not this year!! Shutterfly is offering some beautiful cards for the holiday season, and you’re if you’re a blogger, you’re in even better luck!! Shutterfly is giving away 50 free cards just for being a blogger.  But, wait, even better....say you don't celebrate Christmas...that shouldn't stop you!! They have cards for all Holidays!! Hanukkah and Mother's day.  You don't want to be stuck in a situation with a holiday approaching and you have no card to send to anyone. What's a better excuse to show off your beautiful family than a Holiday card?? And...also, Birthday invitiations....yep personalized invites that are way better than store bought fill in the blanks.  

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Internal Struggle

So, today, I gave my three week notice at work. To say that making this decision was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life? That, would be a understatement.  You see, this decision is not one like saying I’ll have pizza for dinner tonight. Pizza isn’t going to make or break your dreams and goals….but a major career decision, such as leaving your dream job to go to a part time job that comes with less hours and less pay, well that is a make or break situation. My heart wants what it wants. And what that is? Is to be able to have more children and not have to pay daycare full time for two kids. My heart wants to be with my son and enjoy simple things like the sunshine and icecream together without having to take time off from work or wait til the weekend.  My mom says that when you make decisions for the right reasons things just work out. I have to believe that. I’m taking a leap of faith doing this. I’m excited and really nervous for this change, but I’m going to enjoy it. I’m going to know that I followed my heart and that I truly considered the pros and cons and didn’t make a split second decision. I’m going to enjoy this. And when I look back, I’m certain I’ll have no regrets only wonderful memories of time spent with my child and future children. My marriage will be better for this and my parenting will be too. Thanks for all the words of encouragement. It helps to know that I’m not the only one that has had to make such a difficult decision.